Updated - No Dice 3rd Edition 5 24 16 (002)

No-Dice

Safety Net to Recovery

Gambling Addiction Workbook

For Men and Women Problem Gamblers

Marcy Nichols

BA, CADCI, CGACII, NCGCII

Updated May 2016

1

No-Dice

Safety Net to Recovery

Marcy Nichols

2

No-Dice

Safety Net to Recovery

Written by: Marcy Nichols,

BA, CDACI, CGACII, NCGCII.

Formatted by: Herb Everett, Peace Rose Graphics

Updated May 2016 by: Jeff Marotta, Ph.D., NCGC-II

Cover Illustration by: Kate Pryka

Edited by: Patrick Charles of Letterperfect22typing.com

Printed in the United States

Updated 2016

Rights to this publication have been purchased by the Oregon Health Authority. Contact

Greta Coe, Problem Gambling Services Manager with the Oregon Health Authority for

permission to reproduce or transmit this document in whole or in part.

Requests for permission to distribute this workbook should be addressed to:

Greta Coe, CPS

Problem Gambling Services Manager

Health System Division

Greta.l.coe@state.or.us

Library of Congress Control Number:

ISBN 978-0-615-22522-7

3

Table of Contents

Acknowledgements ............................................................................ 6

Part One

:

About Problem Gambling

Chapter 1: What is Problem Gambling? ............................................ 9

• About workbook and set up

• Understanding Problem/Pathological Gambling

• #’s and Stats

Chapter 2: Assessments.................................................................... 15

• DSM IV

• SOGS

• GA 20 Questions

Insert: Worksheet: How do you feel about your gambling today? ... 21

Chapter 3: Progression of Gambling .................................................. 22

• Winning, Losing, and Desperation Phases

• Types of Gamblers

• Types of Games

Part Two: Motivation for Change

Chapter 4: Stages of Change ............................................................ 27

• Benefits and Costs

• Self-Help vs. Support/Treatment

Insert: Worksheet: Negative Consequences to Your Gambling .. 31

Chapter 5: Beginning Tools to Help you Succeed .............................. 32

Chapter 6: Concept of Randomness.................................................. 36

Chapter 7: Cycle of The Gambling Action .......................................... 41

• Examine your Gambling worksheet .............................................. 43

Chapter 8: Function “Payoff” of Gambling .......................................... 44

• Identifying Beliefs/Reasons for Gambling worksheet ................... 49

Insert: Worksheet: “Two ways for everything” ................................ 50

4

Chapter 9: Withdrawals and Post Acute

Withdrawal Symptoms (PAWS) ........................................ 51

Chapter 10: Journaling ...................................................................... 54

Chapter 11: Thinking Errors/Irrational Thinking .................................. 56

• “Stop” Process

Chapter 12: Denial and Defense Mechanisms ................................... 63

• Types of Denial

• What Denial Feels Like

• Denial Sounds Like

• Psychology of Denial

Insert: Worksheet: Denial and Defense Mechanisms Worksheet ... 67

Insert: Worksheet: How do you feel about your gambling today? ...

68

Chapter 13: Relapse .......................................................................... 69

• Warning Signs Leading to Relapse

• Finding Tools

• Triggers

• Path to Relapse

• Relapse Prevention Plan

Chapter 14: Coping Skills .................................................................. 82

Coping Skills Practice ................................................................... 84

Coping with Stress ........................................................................ 88

Chapter 15: Tools To Stop Gambling .................................................. 91

Chapter 16: Emotional Meaning of Money .......................................... 93

Chapter 17: Money and Finances ...................................................... 98

Insert: Worksheet: Keep Track of Your Spending Daily .................. 108

Insert: Journal ............................................................................... 109

Part Three: Life Issues

Chapter 18: Values ............................................................................... 113

Chapter 19: Beliefs ............................................................................ 117

Chapter 20: Feelings and Emotions ................................................... 120

Chapter 21: Explore the Real You ...................................................... 125

5

Chapter 22: Who are You? ................................................................ 128

• Self-Worth

• Self-Esteem

• Self-Image

Insert: Worksheet: How do you feel about your gambling today? ... 133

Chapter 23: Family 134

• Enabling

Chapter 24: Relationships .................................................................. 139

Chapter 25: Communication .............................................................. 141

Chapter 26: Anger ............................................................................. 146

Chapter 27: Grief and Loss ................................................................ 152

Chapter 28: Assertive Behavior ......................................................... 155

Insert: Journal ............................................................................... 156

Chapter 29: Cross Addiction .............................................................. 157

Insert: Interesting Tidbits ............................................................... 162

Chapter 30: Support .......................................................................... 164

• 12-Steps and GA

• Sponsorship

Chapter 31: Relaxation ...................................................................... 171

Chapter 32: Leisure ........................................................................... 175

Chapter 33: Balance .......................................................................... 180

Insert: Worksheet: How do you feel about your gambling today? ... ... 182

Insert: Journal ............................................................................... 183

Chapter 34: Definitions ...................................................................... 184

Notes ................................................................................................. 187

References ........................................................................................ 189

Index of important numbers and web addresses ............................... 190

6

Acknowledgements

I have had the pleasure to have the help of many people to put this book together. First

of all I thank the clients themselves, both gamblers and drug and alcohol clients that helped

me see and understand more of the pathology than I already knew. I need to thank all of

those that have worked hard in the field of gambling addiction in education and studies in

the last 20 years. Without all their hard work, the professional gambling addiction counseling

field would not be where it is today, and that includes me. Many of these professionals will be

referenced in the back of the book for their theories and models that help educate the

gamblers about addiction, and give them tools to successfully stop gambling.

There are others who deserve a special note for grasping onto my excitement and

helping to get my book off the ground. Without their input and editing, it would not be as

thorough as it is. A special thanks goes to Michael Bean, Executive Director of

emergence

Addiction and Behavioral Therapies.

After I mentioned writing this book, he became very

excited, and really helped me get it going and “out there.” I also want to thank my fellow

gambling addiction counselors working in the Meridian Program at

emergence.

We have

learned and worked together, and supported each other, for many years. These counselors

have helped with this book directly and indirectly. Thank you Ronda, for if you hadn’t told me

the story of your brother, I would have never found out about gambling addiction, and thank

you, Lucille, who told me that I would write this book, even though I didn’t believe her. Lastly,

I would like to thank everyone in my life for putting up with the obsession that is this book. It

is all I thought and talked about for many months.

I saw a need to have a gambling addiction workbook in regular terminology, not in

clinical terminology, so that it will be easier for people to understand how to find recovery by

increasing their self-awareness in layman’s terms. I believe education is half of what it takes

to win the battle.

As I learn more about this terrible addiction, from clients, professionals and experi-

ence, I am excited to share the knowledge and ideas expressed in this book with you.

Thank you, everyone! I hope that this book goes out and helps at least one gambler

find his/her way into the safety net, and live again!

Marcy Nichols,

BA, CADC I, CGAC II, NCGC II

7

Cunning, baffling, powerful, sneaky and patient.

PART ONE: ABOUT PROBLEM GAMBLING

8

9

Definitions:

•

To risk money or something of value on

the outcome of an unpredictable chance

event or contest.

(Behind the 8-ball, Linda Berm and Mary-Ellen Siegel,1998)

•

Any betting or wagering, for self or others,

whether for money or not, no matter how

slight or insignificant, where the outcome is

uncertain or depends upon chance or

“skill” constitutes gambling.

(Gamblers Anonymous)

I believe in myself to accomplish what I need, but am humble enough to ask for help.

Chapter 1

What is Problem Gambling?

Problem gambling is gambling behavior which causes

disruptions in any major area of life: psychological, physical,

social, or vocational.

Having been a professional addictions counselor in both gambling and chemical

dependency (alcohol and drugs) has taught me the value of education and the struggle

that addiction is for some people.

Addiction is something that has been

in and around my personal life for as

long as I can remember.

This workbook comes from a

passion I found while involved in the

gambling addictions field. The years

I spent in education and counseling

of addiction in the state of Oregon

has changed me as a person, and

my hope is that this workbook will

do the same for you.

I want to start this workbook by saying why I decided to write it. It comes from my

frustration at the system’s failure to help those in need, and from my ability to teach and

help people with this problem that is devastating their lives and their families.

10

B

G

What took my passion to another level was a research project for my bachelor’s degree

on the co-morbidity (dual addiction) of gambling addiction with drug and alcohol addiction.

In other words, I studied a group of clients who were already in outpatient treatment at

emergence (ACES) in Oregon for drugs and

alcohol, to find out how many had co-occurring

y the time you complete

this workbook, you will

have gained enough education

and knowledge and skills to

help you change the areas in

your life you want to change,

and maybe even change areas

that you didn’t know needed

changing!

gambling problems. The results of my study were

that 34% of those surveyed had this dual

diagnosis of alcohol and gambling problems.

By the time you complete this workbook, you

will have gained enough education and knowledge

and skills to help you change the areas in your life

you want to change, and maybe even change

areas that you didn’t know needed changing! My

belief is that, with the proper education and tools

given, you will be able to see and understand the addiction, and other areas in your life that

are causing you problems. Gambling addiction doesn’t start all by itself, there are many

factors that contribute, and I will share these later in the workbook.

When it is all said and done, only you can take responsibility for your life. Only

you have control of your path, and some things in life are worth the struggle to

achieve; I believe this is one of those things.

The first part of the book will walk you through gambling addiction, what it is, whether

or not you have a problem, and how much of a problem it is. It will also give you tools on

how to manage control or stop gambling altogether. When you are done with this part, you

will have a

better understanding,

and many tools and

coping skills to deal

with the gambling

problem. The second

part goes into the

ambling has been around since the dawn of man,

and has been a problem behavior for many men

and women since that time.

other areas in your life that may or may not contribute to the gambling problem. I believe

that anyone can benefit from lessons departed in the second part including sections on

relationships, communication, stress, anger, grief, and loss, just to name a few areas.

Professional counselors and therapists, including myself, have found that, when treat-

ing gamblers, therapy is not and cannot be only about the addiction itself. The human

psyche is much more complex than that. Every area of our life affects how we feel, and how

we react to our daily lives and to those around us.

11

I have chosen theories, models, and ideas that I have used in my counseling experi-

ence successfully, and that have helped many change their lives. It has taken many, experi-

enced professionals to come up with some of these ideas and techniques to help those that

are in need, and wanting the help. Some of these will benefit you and others will not. All I

ask is that you remain open to explore all areas fully to see if you can benefit. Work through

all the worksheets, and you may be surprised at what you can learn about yourself and

others. On that note, let’s begin by understanding problem and pathological gambling.

I Am Hope

I am not a success, by no means at all.

But what I am is hope.

For if you know anything about me,

And the things I have gone through in my life,

You’d see more downs than ups.

I’ve taken the downs and put them aside

To make my life richer.

By believing in myself I have been able

To achieve things that

I’d never been able to do.

So if you look at me,

Don’t see success. See hope.

If my life shows you anything,

It is that you can make it.

(Bill O. Recovering Gambler)

The gentleman who wrote the poem you just read spent many years of his life gam-

bling and lost everything because of it. What he found in recovery was that he had a talent

for writing poetry that he didn’t know about until he cleared his head from thoughts of gam-

bling. He has now written many poems, and is in the process of having them published.

“It is a success story in your recovery when first trying to quit gambling, when

you make it through one minute, or one hour, let alone one day, without gambling.”

12

Understanding Problem and Pathological Gambling

Over the years, health professionals

have discussed and debated various

terms associated with problem gambling.

Labels have varied from “pathological

gambling” and “compulsive gambling” to

“gambling addiction” and “disordered

gambling”. In 2013, the fifth edition of

the American Psychiatric Association’s

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of

Mental Disorders (DSM) was published.

Mental health providers look to the DSM

for diagnostic criteria they use when

working with insurance providers for

treatment reimbursement. The condition

previously named pathological gambling

was renamed gambling disorder and

classified in the category “Substance-

Related and Addictive Disorders.” Prior

to the publication of the DSM-5, the

condition was categorized as an impulse

control disorder.

The Gamblers Anonymous “Combo”

book (pg. 11) defines the characteristics

of a compulsive gambler as having

“the inability and unwillingness to accept

reality;” that is where the escape into a

dream world of gambling comes into play.

“Gamblers have emotional insecurity;” a

compulsive gambler finds that he or she

is emotionally comfortable only when in

“action.” It is not uncommon to hear a

Gamblers Anonymous member say something like: “The only place I really feel like I

belonged was sitting at the poker table. There I felt secure and comfortable. No great

demands were made upon me. I knew I was destroying myself, yet at the same time, I

had a certain sense of security.”

There are different reasons behind each individual’s gambling problem. For some it

is Immaturity; a desire to have all good things in life without any great effort on their part

seems to be the common character pattern of problem gamblers. Many Gamblers

Anonymous members accept the fact that they were unwilling to grow up.

Subconsciously, they felt that they could avoid mature responsibility by gambling and so

the struggle to escape responsibility finally became a subconscious obsession.

STATISTICS:

 Based on the 2015 Oregon Adult

Gambling Behaviors Survey, 2.1 % of

Adult Oregonians are estimated to

experience moderate levels of problems

leading to some negative consequences

and another 0.5% experience severe

negative consequences and a possible

loss of control. These rates suggest that

just over 83,000 adults have a gambling

problem.

 Adolescents: In a 2008 survey of

Oregon adolescents, 1.3% of scored as

problem gamblers. Another 4.6% of

Oregon adolescents score as at-risk

gamblers.

 Older adults over 55: a 2001 Oregon

prevalence study reported that 1.2% of

older adults were problem or

pathological gamblers.

 There are high rates of alcoholism,

drug abuse, depression, anti-social

personality disorder, and mood

disorders, associated with problem

gambling.

13

Many gamblers have what is de-

scribed as “high ego and low self-esteem.”

What this means is that their insides don’t

match their outsides. There may be low

self-esteem inside, but they will outwardly

show to others a “big shot” full of confidence

and power. The compulsive gambler is

willing to do anything (often of an anti-

social nature) to maintain the image that

he or she wants others to see. There is a

lot of evidence supporting the theory that

a great number of compulsive/disordered

gamblers gamble to escape

uncomfortable feelings or thoughts. This

seems most often the case with those that

have experienced a traumatic event at

some time in their life or for those that are

going through a challenging life transition

such as being out of work, having been

recently injured or ill, losing a relationship,

or moving to a new place. For many of

these people, they found gambling helped

them cope with a difficulty then as they

gambled more and more their gambling

became their biggest problem.

There are two main types of gam-

blers: the “action” gambler and the “es-

cape” gambler. The GA Combo book talks

more about the action gambler, the

gambler looking for excitement. The

escape gambler uses gambling as a way

to escape from life stressors or pain, and

is not necessarily the anti-social person

described elsewhere. These are

gamblers who tend to like the hypnotic

effects of the video poker machines and

the slots, where there is no personal

competition.

Now we will explore how much of a problem gambling is in your life by taking three

assessments. The first assessment instrument is based on the DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for

Gambling Disorder. The second is a popular screening tool used by many professionals,

and the third is a questionnaire used by Gamblers Anonymous. These assessments are

only an indicator of what level you’re gambling at, whether you are a Problem Gambler or

possibly a Compulsive/Disordered Gambler. Depending on the results of these tests, and

MORE STATISTICS:

According to the University of New

York, some of the more prevalent

gambling trends show:

 The likelihood of developing a

gambling addiction increases 23-fold

for people affected by alcohol use

disorders

 34 percent of those who seek

treatment for gambling addiction exhibit

symptoms of PTSD

 Over 80 percent of American

adults gamble on a yearly basis

The National Council on Problem

Gambling (NCPG).

 15 percent of Americans gamble at

least once per week.

 All but two states have some form

of legalized gambling, and 43 states

have lotteries.

 Approximately two to three percent

of Americans meet the criteria for

problem gambling. That's around 6

million adults and about a half million

teens.

 Approximately 6 percent of

college students in America have a

gambling problem.

14

after going through this workbook, you may find that you need more help than this book can

give you. Please, by all means, call your local gambling helpline to find a

treatment/education center near you, and take this book there with you immediately. Or, call

the:

U.S. National Problem Gambling Helpline: 1-800-522-4700

Canada: 1-888-391-1111.

If you have recently felt, or are now feeling, suicidal because of your

gambling, stop everything and reach out for help and support from your local

crisis line, treatment agencies, or police. It is not unusual for gamblers to

feel so hopeless and helpless because of gambling addiction that suicide is

contemplated. In fact, very high percentages (some say up to 70%) of

gamblers have had suicidal thoughts when entering treatment. This is an

addiction that can cause you to lose everything, including family, job, home,

children, life savings, and self-respect. I have experienced the wonder of

seeing many clients come into counseling feeling suicidal and leaving

treatment feeling hopeful, empowered, and embracing their life and recovery.

15

“He who covers up his disease can never be cured.” Ethiopian Proverb

Chapter 2

Assessments

SYMPTOMS OF PROBLEM GAMBLING

DSM-5 Diagnostic Criteria: Gambling Disorder

From the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (section 312.31).

A.

Persistent and recurrent problematic gambling behavior leading to clinically

significant impairment or distress, as indicated by the individual exhibiting four

(or more) of the following in a 12-month period:

:



Needs to gamble with increasing amounts of money in order to achieve the

desired excitement.



Is restless or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop gambling.



Has made repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop gambling.



Is often preoccupied with gambling (e.g., having persistent thoughts of reliving

past gambling experiences, handicapping or planning the next venture, thinking of

ways to get money with which to gamble).



Often gambles when feeling distressed (e.g., helpless, guilty, anxious,

depressed).



After losing money gambling, often returns another day to get even (“chasing”

one’s losses).



Lies to conceal the extent of involvement with gambling.



Has jeopardized or lost a significant relationship, job, or educational or career

opportunity because of gambling.



Relies on others to provide money to relieve desperate financial situations caused

by gambling

To Score: Add total number of boxes checked. If you checked four or more you likely

have a diagnosable problem. The below matches scores with problem severity.

Mild: 4–5 criteria met. Moderate: 6–7 criteria met. Severe: 8–9 criteria met

16

South Oaks Gambling Screen

Lesieur and Blume, 1987

1. Please indicate which of the following types of gambling you have done in your

lifetime. For each type, mark one answer: “not at all”, “less than once a week”,

Or “once a week or more”.

Not at All

Less than

once a week

Once a week

or more



a.

Play cards for money



b.

Bet on horses, dogs, or other animals

(at OTB, the track or with a bookie)



c.

Bet on sports

(parlay cards, with

bookies or at Jai Lai Court)



d.

Play dice games

(including craps, over

and under or other dice games)

for

money or drinks, etc.



e.

Gambled in a casino

(legal or otherwise)



f.

Played bingo for money



g.

Played the stock, options or

commodities market



h.

Played slot machines, poker machines

o

r

other

games

of

skill

for

money



i.

Pull tabs or “paper games” other than

the lottery



j.

Some other form of gambling not

listed above

2. What is the largest amount you have ever gambled with in any one day?



Never gambled



More than $100, up to $1000



$1 or less



More than $1000, up to $10,000



More than $1, up to $10



More than $10,000



More than $10, up to $100

3. Check which of the following people in your life has (or had) a gambling problem.



Father



Brother-in-Law



Mother



Spouse/Partner



Child(ren)



Relative



Grandparent



A friend or someone else important in my life

17

4. When you gamble, how often do you go back another day to win back

the money you lost?



Never



Some of the time

(less

than

half

the

time

I

lost)



Most of the time I lost



Every time I lost

5. Have you ever claimed to be winning money but werent really? In fact you lost?



Never



Yes, most of the time



Yes, less than half the time I lost

6. Do you feel you have ever had a problem with betting money or gambling?



No



Yes

7. Do you ever gamble more than you intended to?



No



Yes

8. Have people criticized your betting or told you that you have a gambling

problem, regardless of whether or not you thought it was true?



No



Yes

9. Have you ever felt guilty about the way you gamble or what happens

when you gamble?



No



Yes

10. Have you ever felt like you would like to stop betting money or gambling

but didn’t think you could?



No



Yes

11. Have you ever hidden betting slips, lottery tickets, gambling money, I.O.Us

or other signs of betting or gambling from your spouse, children, or other

important people in your life?



No



Yes

18

12. Have you ever argued with people you live with over how you

handle your money?



No



Yes

13. (If you answered yes to Question 12) Have money arguments ever centered

on your gambling?



No



Yes

14. Have you ever borrowed from someone and not paid them back as a result

of your gambling?



No



Yes

15. Have you ever lost time from work/school due to betting money or gambling?



No



Yes

16. If you borrowed money to gamble or to pay gambling debts, who or where

did you borrow from?

a.

From household money



Yes



No

b.

From your spouse



Yes



No

c.

From other relatives/in laws



Yes



No

d.

From banks, loan companies, or credit unions



Yes



No

e.

From credit cards



Yes



No

f.

From loan sharks



Yes



No

g.

You cashed in stocks, bonds, or other securities



Yes



No

h.

You sold personal or family property



Yes



No

i.

You “borrowed” on your checking account

(passed bad checks)



Yes



No

j. You have (had) a credit line with a bookie



Yes



No

k.

You have (had) a credit line with a casino



Yes



No

19

Score Sheet:

Questions 1, 2 and 3 are not counted

One point for each below:



Q

4

-

Almost all the time I lose, or Every time I lose.



Q

5

– Yes less than half the time I lose, or Yes, most of the time.



Q6

– Yes in the past but not now, or Yes.



Q7

– Yes



Q8

– Yes



Q

9

– Yes



Q10

– Yes



Q11

– Yes



Q12

– Not Counted



Q13

– Yes



Q14

– Yes



Q15

– Yes



Q16 a

– Yes



b

– Yes



c

– Yes



d

– Yes



e

– Yes



f

– Yes



g

– Yes



h

– Yes



i

– Yes

Questions 16j and 16k not counted.

Total = ________ (

20 questions are counted)

0-2 = No problem

3-4 = Problem gambler

5 or more = Probable pathological gambler

20

Gamblers Anonymous 20 Questions



1.

Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?



2. Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?



3. Did gambling affect your reputation?



4. Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?



5. Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise

solve financial difficulties?



6. Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?



7. After losing, did you feel that you must return as soon as possible and

win back your losses?



8. After a win, did you have a strong urge to return and win more?



9. Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone?



10. Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?



11. Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?



12. Were you reluctant to use “gambling money” for normal expenditures?



13. Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?



14. Did you ever gamble longer than you had planned?



15. Have you ever gambled to escape worry or trouble?



16. Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to

finance gambling?



17.

Did gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?



18. Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge

to gamble?



19. Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours

of gambling?



20. Have you ever considered self-destruction or suicide as a result of

your gambling?

Most Compulsive/Pathological gamblers will answer yes

to at least seven of these questions.

21

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, and hope for tomorrow.” –Thomas Jefferson

How Do You Feel About Your Gambling Today?

(AADAC 1996)

You will be asked this question throughout the recovery process and this book.

This will help you to stay in touch with your feelings. By checking in with yourself regularly,

the thoughts and feelings that lead to relapse will not hit you blindly.

Check the box that most closely states how you feel today.



Denial/Minimizing—“It’s not that bad, what’s the big deal?”



Bargaining—“I’ll only go two times a week,” or “I will pay you back.”



Hope—Genuine hopefulness: “I hope to win this time.” Or “I hope to quit this time.”



Sadness—Reality sets in: “I have made some bad choices.” “I have hurt others.”



Guilt/Shame—“How could I have let myself do this again? I even stole money.”



Anger—General or specific, at others, at yourself, or at the gambling itself.



Acceptance—“I need help, I can’t do this myself,” or “I can’t stop myself.”



Optimism—“I think I can quit, I am feeling more confident everyday, I feel good.”



Contentment—“There are other things to do besides gambling, I can fight this.”

22

You cannot control anyone or anything else in your life,

but you can choose to control your behavior.

Chapter 3

Progression of Gambling

Robert Custer, a leader in gambling psychology, has identified

three phases to the progression of gambling:

Early Stage Dependence (Winning Phase)

In this stage, the financial rewards or the internal escape received

as a result of gambling behavior provide sufficient motivation for the

behavior to continue.

Middle Stage (Losing Phase)

Losses begin to stack up, gamblers start “chasing” their losses,

which cause the gambling behavior to become more out of control.

Late Stage (Desperation Phase)

In this final stage, the gambler becomes overwhelmed. There are

extreme emotional, financial, and family/relationship problems.

Criminal behavior may occur, with possible legal consequences.

The Gambling Continuum (Back and Forth Movement)

New research has found that it is not uncommon for people to move

in and out of problematic gambling periods throughout their

gambling life.

1

Someone may move through Dr. Custer’s three

stages of gambling, some may cycle back and forth with periods of

no gambling, others never progress to the Late Stage. We now

know problem gambling can be transient, coming and going, and

that individuals have different courses.

Types of Gamblers

(Custer and Milt)



Non-Gambler

– Does not gamble



Low-Risk Gambler:

• Social Gambler – Gambles for fun and entertainment, can control, and will often walk

away with any winnings. They set a limit and stick to it.

• Serious Social Gambler – Gambles regularly with intensity while still under control,

could stop, but would miss it.

1

The natural history of problem gambling from age 18 to 29. Slutske, Wendy S.; Jackson, Kristina M.; Sher, Kenneth J. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, Vol

112(2), May 2003, 263-274. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0021-843X.112.2.263

23



At-Risk Gambler:

Answers yes to one to three of the DSM-5 criteria.

(Assessment in first part of this book. See page 14)

• Relief and Escape gambler – Gambling isn’t about having fun or winning, it is

used as a means to control stress or to escape pain, uncomfortable feeling, or

unwanted thoughts. Someone who gambles to escape is at risk for

developing a gambling problem. If a traumatic event or life-changing

circumstance occurs, the escape gambler can easily fall into a destructive

gambling cycle and become a Compulsive/Disordered gambler.



Problem Gambler:

Answers yes to three or four of the DSM IV criteria.

• Situational or Binge Gambler - Gambling is no longer fun and entertainment,

it has started to interfere with and cause problems in your life in family, job,

school commitments, etc. It is still early enough in the progression of addiction

that you may be able to quit with help from counseling, education, or Gamblers

Anonymous. For most continuing on this path could lead to Compulsive/

Disordered/ gambling, out of control, especially if some triggering, traumatic life

event happens.



Disordered Gambler:

Answers yes to four or more DSM-5 criteria.

You cannot stop gambling for long periods of time, uncontrollable gambling has

and continues to cause major disruptions, problems, and losses in your life.

Some of these losses can include loss of relationship, job, finances, and self-

esteem to name a few. With moderate and severe levels of Gambling Disorder,

there are often strong feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, thoughts of

suicide, and depression.

Types of Games

Bingo Black Jack Craps Dice

Keno Lottery Poker Roulette

Slot Machines Horses Dogs Video Poker

Chicken Fights Off Track Betting Sports Commodities

Jai Alai Stocks Options Dog Fights

Pull Tabs Scratch Offs On-Line Gambling Texas Hold ‘em

Video Lottery Terminal

24

25

“Our greatest battles are those with our own minds.” –Jameson Frank

PART TWO: MOTIVATION FOR CHANGE

26

27

To change and to change for the better are two different things. (German proverb)

Chapter 4

Stages of Change

(Miller and Rollnick)

Where are you amidst the stages of change?

Pre-contemplation

• Are you not yet willing to change?

• Not even considering a change?

• Or are you frozen and unable to move?

Contemplation

• Do you acknowledge that there is some concern about your gambling?

• Are you considering the possibility of change?

• Are you ambivalent to change (not sure one way or the other)?

• Uncertain if you need to change or not?

Preparation

• Are you becoming committed to change?

• Planning to commit to change?

• Still considering what exactly to do?

Action

• Are you continuing to take steps to change?

• Working towards a stable lifestyle?

• Are you able to remain in recovery?

Maintenance

• Have you achieved your initial goals?

• Are you able to remain abstinent (no gambling)?

• Do you continue to work at further recovery?

• Are you still continuing a successful program of recovery?

28

Pre-contemplation

Contemplation

Preparation

Action

Maintenance

Where do you think you are right now in these stages?

Why do you think you are there? What is going on in your life to support this idea?

Have there been times in the past when you were in another stage? Which one?

How did you move one way or the other?

What can you do to move to the next level?

If you feel you are stuck in one stage, what is keeping you there?

What are the potential benefits if you continue to gamble? What are the potential

costs?

What are the possible benefits if you stop gambling? What are the possible costs?

29

I



Choice – you have the choice – If someone says you have to quit gambling, your

immediate reaction could be resentment. If this happens, change your thinking to: “I

don’t have to, I choose to.”



Don’t say, “I will never gamble again,” say, “I choose to not gamble for the next

minute, hour, or day.”



Moderation is worth a try, but you must be honest with yourself. Watch for denial

and irrational thinking (you will learn about this in the workbook). If you continue to have

negative results and consequences, it may be time to consider further help through

counseling and abstinence.

All of my actions match my good intentions

Self-Help vs. Personal Support

Let’s talk about the distinction between self-help and personal support in treating your

gambling addiction, or any other addiction, for that matter. Self-help is achieved through

reading, or working through a workbook such as this. Personal support means many things:

it may mean professional gambling addiction counseling, any group therapy, visits with a

therapist, visits with the church pastor, or support groups like AA, GA, NA, SA, or others. It

has been found that in order for most gamblers to successfully quit gambling, they will have

tried many times on their

own unsuccessfully before

finally seeking help. I have

who engage in both treat-

have seen that many of those who engage in both

treatment and GA support groups have a higher

success rate in their recovery.

ment and GA support groups have a higher success rate in their recovery. I think that the

biggest benefits of engaging in gambling addictions treatment are not only the personal

support, but also the education available about your addiction, and the tools that will help

you not to gamble; also, learn about yourself and what is not working in your life.

Group work, as in support groups, has many benefits; groups help you see that you

are not alone or unique, and they teach you accountability. It helps to have your peers share

similar experiences, and what worked or didn’t work for them. Take quitting smoking for

example: some may use the patch, hypnosis, a support group, and acupuncture all at the

same time, and all these methods may increase their chances of quitting. Some say, “do

whatever it takes, if you really want to quit.” I will be talking more in depth about different

types of positive support later in the book.

Accountability can be both good and bad, in that, if you are not ready to change,

your powers of denial will prevent you from being accountable for your addiction. Once you

become accountable, you may have to admit you have a problem with gambling, and need

help to quit. This is a hard place to be. It is very difficult for people, first, to acknowledge that

some addiction has gotten a hold of them, and secondly, to ask for help. Accountability

30

allows support of any kind to help you in beating your cravings to gamble.

31

A

n example of accountability would be:

by calling a support person when you

are leaving work, to let them know how

many minutes it will take to get home, and

then be there! This helps them begin to

build trust in you, and it helps you to stay

focused on your recovery.

If you are ready for change,

than accountability can be a BIG

help for you. It may be difficult at first

to ask for help, but over time, when

people respond to you in a positive

way, it becomes easier. An example

of accountability would be: by calling

a support person when you are

leaving work, to let them know how

many minutes it will take to get

home, and then be there! This helps them begin to build trust in you, and it helps you to

stay focused on your recovery. If you do stop to gamble, what might you lose? The begin-

ning of any trust, money, your self-esteem, from having to lie again, and it all can lead you

right back into the insanity.

Abstinence

Abstinence from gambling is my line.

Attitude promotes better future options.

Enjoy and see real life,

So you will not feel under the knife,

That every time you say no, you build

A stronger foundation.

Silence the dreary demons that tug at your

Steadfast will.

Abstinence is an everyday problem to never forget.

Remember all you have learned in treatment

And how you can use it in your life…

For abstinence is the choice.

And the choices one makes should lead to abstinence

Because it is through abstinence that we are

Truly free.

Free to be the real me…

Free to live life.

–Written by an unknown gambler in recovery

“Ready for change” means that all of your actions match your good intentions.

32

Negative Consequences to your Gambling

(Ciarrocchi)

Place a check mark next to any item that you have personally experienced

because of your gambling.

Then rate each of these from 0 to 4, showing how much it affected your family.

Scale

0 – Not at all

1

2 – Somewhat 3 4 – Very much

Affected Affected

Occurred?

Me

Family

(Check mark)

(0-4) (0-4)

Occupied too much time

Caused conflict at work

Felt out of control

Couldn’t concentrate

Arguments with family members

Lost self-respect

Felt guilty

Spent less time at work

Spent less time with family

Lied

Unpaid debts

Late paying bills

Illegal acts to pay for gambling

Writing bad checks

Unable to take vacations

Spouse/partner criticized you

Violated your personal values

Unable to reach financial goals

Unable to reach family goals

Unable to maintain your spiritual goals

Kept secrets from others

Became angry/violent

Thought about suicide

Tried to commit suicide

Lost a job

Had to file bankruptcy

Pawned personal possessions

Had things repossessed

Lost home

Lost an important relationship

33

“h

Honestly, are you dealing with your

money as a responsible adult, or not?”

Action is the enemy of thought.

–Unknown

Chapter 5

Beginning Tools

to Help you Succeed

It is very important in the beginning of recovery for you to remove as many

temptations to gamble as possible. Here are a few tips for you to consider in

helping progress further in your successful recovery.

•

Remove as much access to money as you can:

This can be difficult for two reasons: one is that you may not have such options open

to you, and the other could be that you just don’t want to let go of control yet. I have been

told many times that it is our right as “adults” to keep responsibility for our money ourselves.

It feels as if we are children when someone else is in charge of our money. My question to

you is, “honestly, are you dealing with your money as a responsible adult, or not?” This is a

decision that only you can

make. Believe me, this is

definitely a “deal breaker” for

most gamblers trying to

remain abstinent. It is almost

impossible to fight an urge if you have money in your pocket. Any sort of block that you can

throw to make it more difficult to be impulsive will help, or at least slow you down until the

craving or “urge” is over. Believe me when I say that money is what feeds the gambler.

•

Don’t carry cash:

If you must, only carry as much as you will need for the day. How much is enough for

lunch? A bottle of water? Pop? Coffee?

•

Dispose of ATM cards:

If this is how you get cash out of the bank to gamble, by all means, get rid of it. If you

honestly need it, what can you do to prevent using it to gamble? Some banks will lower the

amount of cash you can withdraw in a day….hmmm, something to consider?

34

•

Discontinue any use of your credit cards:

If you feel you need a credit card for emergencies, one is enough. Some gamblers

have frozen theirs in a glass of water so that if they were in the middle of a gambling urge, it

would take time to thaw out, and maybe the urge would have subsided by then.

•

Direct deposit your paychecks:

In this day and age, most places of employment will do this for you, unless you have

reached the point that you don’t or can’t have a checking account. You can speak with your

bank personnel, and see if they will arrange for a double signature for you. This means that

it takes two signatures in order for you to withdraw money.

•

Have someone you trust work with you in managing your money:

Accountability is a BIG help with this. Require yourself to show receipts to someone for

everything you have purchased, including groceries, gas, bills, rent, etc., or have someone

go with you to do your shopping.

•

Stay away from any Quick Loan or Check to Cash businesses:

They are as bad as loan sharks, with an over-inflated, very high rate of interest. Some

charge up to 25% interest, and still others may charge up to 500% interest.

•

Think about making large amounts of accessible money inaccessible:

You can do this by investing in CD’s, IRA’s, savings bonds, or mutual funds.

•

Keep a journal of your expenditures:

Later in this book, I will give you a worksheet for this. Keeping track of not only bills and

everything you are spending money on is important, but if you continue to gamble, how

much do you spend, lose, and win? If you are not gambling, how much are you saving?

Tell friends and family members not to lend you money

NO MATTER WHAT!

35

•

Try to determine your “true” financial need:

• What constitutes your need for “more” money?

• Are you trying to live up to someone else’s expectations?

• Do you really need lots of money (the easy way) to be happy?

• Are you spending more than you are making?

• Are you “robbing Peter to pay Paul?”

•

Stop the “head talk” as soon as possible.

• Distract your thoughts and self-talk by doing something physical, or calling

someone.

•

Build a support network of non-gambling friends and family:

• Develop support groups through gambling addiction treatment.

• Attend a 12-Step support group – GA, AA, NA, etc.

• Find a GA sponsor to assist you.

• Build or rebuild relationships with family, friends, co-workers, or your church.

•

Get involved with others –

Don’t isolate yourself:

• Join a health club.

• Volunteer.

• Help others.

• Get back to church if you were previously involved.

• Join in with family and friends, and get more involved with your children.

•

Find financial help if you need to get control of bills and creditors through

consumer credit or state agencies.

•

Call your state gambling help line to find treatment/education agency

that deals with problem gambling.

(National number located on page 14;

this will refer you to your state helpline.)

•

Prevent boredom:

Stay Busy!

:

• Plan your days and nights, and keep them as full as possible during the beginning of

recovery. I will be sharing ways of doing this later in the book, with healthy leisure

activities.

36

R

•

Figure out how much money you have been gambling with, and save it in

a safe spot:

• Choose a safe place that you cannot get access to easily, maybe in an

account that you cannot draw on by yourself, one from which you need a

co-signer to withdraw.

• Make a list of all the things that need to be fixed, purchased, or taken care of,

that you have avoided because of your gambling.

•

Change takes time to measure:

• Be patient—you didn’t get here in one day; it will take more than one day to change.

Think “One day at a time.”

• Gambling may have had many negative consequences in your life, and it will take

time to straighten them out.

• It takes a few times of doing something to make it a habit.

Practice, practice, practice!

• Relapse happens!—It’s not the end of the world. Let it be just a “slip,” and get

right back into your recovery. Don’t accept it.

Throughout your recovery, you may feel frustrated

with negative “fallout” as a result of your gambling.

These negative consequences may appear days,

weeks, months, or years after you have stopped

gambling. Don’t let these get you down to the point

of relapsing with gambling, or any other addictive

behavior, including substance abuse. Deal with

these consequences as they come

elapse happens!—

It’s not the end of

the world. Let it be just

a “slip,” and get right

back into your recovery.

Don’t accept it.

37

A

Chapter 6

Concept of Randomness

(D. Hodgins)

Many gamblers believe that they can influence games that have random outcomes.

Games which are designed to give players this idea are slots, VLT’s (Video Lottery Termi-

nal), lottery tickets, and bingo, all games that have no skill component, but are designed so

that it appears your choices or strategies make a difference. In reality, the player cannot

influence the outcome. You cannot become a VLT expert in the way you might be an expert

at a game of skill (e.g., a chess champion, golf master).

“If I get my favorite machine, I can win.”

“I know how this game works—I am good at it.”

Many of the thoughts that lead to gambling are related to incorrect underlying beliefs.

A very common underlying belief of gamblers is that Gambling is a way to solve financial

problems. This belief is often related to having experienced a big win early in their gambling

career. Because it has happened before, they overestimate the likelihood that a big win will

occur again. We also regularly hear about winners—

whether it’s the player three machines down the row

of slots, or the multimillion-dollar winner of the lottery.

Winning is noisy, but losing tends to be silent;

we rarely hear about it.

A second misconception about gambling con-

cerns the concept of randomness. A common belief is

that if you play long enough, you will win. You know

that the outcome you are waiting for will happen if you

hold on long enough. “Just one more wager…” but in

truth, separate plays or wagers in many games have

absolutely no relationship to one another.

common belief is

that if you play long

enough, you will win. You

know that the outcome you

are waiting for will happen

if you hold on long enough.

“Just one more wager…”

but in truth, separate plays

or wagers in many games

have absolutely no

relationship to one another.

For example, if you flip a coin once, your chance

of getting heads is 50%, and your chance of getting

tails is 50%—there are two possible outcomes, and they are equally likely. The second time

you flip a coin, the chances are the same, 50-50. The result of each individual toss has no

relationship to any other toss. The coin does not have a memory. A run of heads does not

mean a tails is more likely on the next toss.

38

VLT and slot players often continue playing even if they are consistently losing, because

they feel it is “their turn to win.” Or, they feel that a specific machine is “due to pay out.” The

fact is that each spin is a separate event, and is not affected by what has happened before.

A machine that has just paid out is just as likely to pay out as one that has not!

Similarly, in roulette, each number has a 1 in 38 chance of winning on a particular spin.

If you watch the play for a period of time, and notice that a particular number—say 23—has

not come up for a long time, it may seem logical to think that it will come up soon. But each

spin of the wheel is a separate event. Number 23 has 1 in 38 chances of coming up on

every single spin—Neither the roulette wheel nor the ball has a memory.

Finally, many gamblers do not have accurate information about the odds of various

types of gambling. They may realize that the house has the advantage, but they like to

believe that they will profit from other, less lucky players. However, because of the house

advantage, there is a negative rate of return when you gamble. The games are designed so

that in the long run, you will lose money. The more you play, the more you lose. For ex-

ample, the typical pay-out from a VLT machine is about 92%, which means that the

machine retains 8%. In other words, for every $1 you play on a machine, you will, on

average, get back 92 cents. The speed of play for Slots and VLTs are measured in bets

per minute. 12 bets per minute is equal to 720 bets per hour or one bet every 5 seconds. If

you bet $1 per play, on average, you will lose $57.60 an hour. The more you play, the

more likely it is that you will achieve this average, and there is nothing that you can do to

change this. Lottery games are Games of chance, i.e., they have a negative rate of return;

the odds of winning Power Ball is 80 million to 1 per ticket bought, and the Lotto’s odds are

to match 1 in 3 million.

Here are some other odds that are NOT IN YOUR FAVOR:

Games

House Advantage

Pays to Players

VLTS, Slots, Video Poker

5-15% 85-95%

Horse Racing

19% 81%

Sports Select

37% 63%

Lottery

55% 45%

Bingo

35% 65%

Casino Games (combined)

21% 79%

39

The Gamblers Fallacy

The Gamblers Fallacy is another piece to the concept of randomness and how we look

at winning from a child’s mind. It begins with the mistaken idea that odds for something with

a fixed probability increase or decrease upon recent occurrences.

Gamblers get stuck in these mistaken thoughts which then cause the behavior of

continued gambling even when losing and they can’t get out of it.

Here are two ways we were taught as children to figure something out:

1. Cause and Effect:

s

We learn in grade school if we hit a nail on the head it goes in and I caused it to

happen.

2. Patterning:

s

We learn patterning is very important in 3rd or 4th grade.

s

Recognize the pattern – 2 – 4 – 6 .

s

Or the pattern of red…black…red…black….

What’s next?

World of Chance and Random Events

s

In the world of gambling you cannot predict the outcome by cause and effect or

patterning when you apply random events to the gamble.

s

On a casino roulette wheel there is a board that tells you what every hit was for the

last 30 hits be it Red/Black or Numbers

s

Gamblers think; “It has been red for 7X in a row, it must be black next time.”

We are trying to use ways of considering outcomes with how we learned as children

and it doesn’t compute in random events such as gambling. Think about it.

40

You may be thinking that these sound like pretty good odds, but let’s break it down with

video poker. Say, for example, that you put $20 in the machine, and you know from the

Oregon Lottery website that your favorite game has a 92% payback. That may sound

pretty good, like you win 92% of the time but that is not what that means. In reality, a 92%

payback means that over time, on average, you lose $0.08 for every dollar played. If you

are wagering $1.00 per play, that $20 you put in the machine should only last you about 21

minutes. This can add up to great losses. Let’s break it down further. Think about how the

machine’s play button is typically pushed every 5 seconds— if you are betting $1.00 per

play this will over time average a loss of $0.08 every 5 seconds. The below shows how

much you can expect to lose when betting $1.00 per play on a typical Oregon Lottery video

game. Depending on how much you bet, the calculation will go up or down proportionally.

5 seconds 1 minute 5 minutes

$0.08 $0.96

$4.80

1 hour 8 hours 8 hours 3 days a week

$57.60 $460.80 $1,382.40

What are some of the misconceptions or mistaken beliefs you have about “beating

the odds?”

1.

2.

41

W

It has been found that those who actually “touch” the gambling will bet more than the

observers. These are the ones throwing the dice, for example, in craps, not those just plac-

ing the money down on the table. Why is this? The players who actually touch the gambling

take ownership of the gamble, and believe that they can control the outcome. This is also

where the “Big Shot” mentality comes into play, in hopes of getting “the big roll for every-

one.” This makes him the star of the table.

When you further consider gambling and randomness, you can compare it to “getting

high” with drugs and alcohol. You know that every time you ingest these two substances,

you will feel a noticeable effect. Three things can happen when you ingest them:

1. Learn to manage when you do ingest it, to not overdose.

2. Get bored and “walk away.”

3. Keep doing it until you die.

If you think about gambling, no one

wins every time they bet—it may be the

second time or the fifth time—This is

called intermittent reward.

When winning happens randomly,

and you can’t predict when it is going to

happen (“maybe this time”), the gambling

drive becomes even stronger, and it be-

hen winning happens

randomly, and you can’t

predict when it is going to happen

(“maybe this time”), the gambling

drive becomes even stronger, and it

becomes more difficult to quit and

walk away.

comes more difficult to quit and walk away. Gambling itself won’t kill you (although someone

else may), and you can’t overdose on gambling (although you can spend all your money)!

No-Dice

Spin the wheel

that feels nice.

Roll the dice once or twice,

make it seven or eleven.

Spare me the real world

and take me to heaven.

Oops!

Holy craps...here I go again.

Dealer quick! The ATM

and pray, my balance and my pin

will quickly bring

me back again

to that place devoid of sorrow

that I need not worry

from who I will borrow

tomorrow.

(DHB)

42

43

Chapter 7

Cycle of the Gambling Action

To achieve effective recovery, it is crucial to understand the psychology addressing

gambling “action,” and to gain the skills to get out of the cycle and into recovery. By the

time you are done with this book, you will have explored yourself, and learned many tools to

help with this process. Below I explain how the cycle works, and each of its phases.

As you read this, can you see how your gambling experience has been like this cycle?

THOUGHTS AND FANTASIES

The first phase of “action” consists of the thoughts

and fantasies of past gambling episodes, a

Big Win, or remembering the wins (euphoric

recall) and not the losses. This recall

leads to thoughts and fantasies of

the next gambling episode.

Gambling Treatment Program

Cascadia Behavioral Healthcare

Portland, Oregon June 2004

CYCLE OF

ACTION

Three Ingredients

For Gambling:

MONEY

TIME

LOCATION

PLANNING

The second phase of the

cycle involves finding

ways to gamble, finding

access to money, time,

and opportunity to

gamble. This also

includes finding ways to

gamble so that there

aren’t any road- blocks to

overcome.

GAMBLING

This, it goes without

saying, is the gambling

itself, and this phase

usually ends when

something external

stops it, such as lack of

money or time, one’s getting caught, or having to deal with other obligations.

CRASH

This is the phase when reality sets in because of loss of money—bills, rent, food, debt

to family and friends, etc.

(D. Hodgins)

Reality

•

Self with Others

"Real Time/Real Money"

INTERRUPT

ACTION CYCLE

Create

Safety Zone

•

Barriers to Money

•

Treatment

•

Support Systems

•

Accountability

•

H.A.L.T.S.

•

Thoughts, Feelings,

Anticipation, Fantasy

•

Gambler's Mind

"Gambling Time /Gambling Money"

Planning

•

Removing Obstacles

to Gambling

Gambling

"Winning & Losing"

•

Serotonin

•

Adrenaline

•

Dopamine

Crash

•

Guilt/Shame

•

Anger

•

Denial/Justification

•

Restless/Irritable

•

Depression

•

Panic or Numb

•

Suicidal Thoughts

44

During the crash phase, there are feelings of shame, remorse, guilt, anger, hopeless-

ness, and helplessness to the addiction itself. This is when depression and withdrawal symp-

toms from not gambling may begin, which can foster thoughts of suicide. If you are ever

feeling this way, you must stop everything and ask for help.

As the addiction progresses, this “crash” phase will often become more intense be-

cause of more losses. Because gamblers are so visual, I think that this graphic will help you to

understand and recognize when to get out of the cycle.

The best solution, of course, is to stop it before allowing yourself to get too deep

into the thoughts and fantasies phase.

THOUGHTS & FANTASIES EXERCISE

This next exercise is very important for you to experience; it will help you stay in touch

with your feelings when you are going into action. Many gamblers couldn’t even tell you when

they are in “Action,” or what it feels like. Take a minute to relax first, and then concentrate on

what it feels like when you are in “Action,” when you are in the thoughts and fantasies and

planning stage.

What are you feeling physically? Ex: “Butterflies in the stomach,” sweating, shaking,

salivating.

What are you feeling emotionally? Ex: Hard to concentrate, excitement, anxious, irritable.

What is your self-talk? Ex: “I will leave for my lunch a little early, go to the ATM and get

to the casino.” “I hope I get the same machine as last time, I won $250.”

Now, sit and concentrate, and visualize the center of your body, and really feel

what this feeling of the Action is like for you. If you can grasp this feeling, then you will

be able to identify yourself going into Action much sooner, which will allow you to put

a blocker, tool, or coping skill in place to stop the cycle sooner.

45

EXAMINE YOUR GAMBLING

(Cascadia Behavioral Health)

When one is in the cycle of gambling, denial is a major part of the addiction that allows

us to continue even when we know it is out of control. Use this worksheet as a way to examine

and explore what your behaviors, feelings, and thoughts are regarding your gambling.

It is important to be honest, or you will not learn what your cycle is like. How often

have you lied to others about your winnings, but not the losses?

Explore the last 5 times you gambled:

Example:

Situation/

Behavior

Feelings

before gambling

Thoughts before

and while gambling

Money lost

or won

Coming home from

work I drove past my

favorite Lucky spot.

Tired, lonely,

feeling broke.

Who cares? Nobody will

know if I stop and if I win

it will pay my bills.

Lost $120.

46

The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it. (Alan Saporta)

Chapter 8

Function “Payoff” of Gambling

When I ask you what is the function or “payoff” of gambling for you, what does that

mean? Most gamblers say that they started gambling as a way to get out and be social,

while some say it is to make money in an “easy” way; still others say it is to “escape” from

life and its stressors.

Do you believe that you might become a millionaire? For those of you who have come

to accept that you are a problem/pathological gambler, what need did gambling fulfill for you

in the beginning? Does this reason still hold true for you today? Why or why not? How has

your gambling changed?

When trying to stop the insanity of an addiction, you need to understand what it is that

you like about it. What does it fulfill for you that nothing else can fulfill? One of the biggest

reasons is to “escape” from something. Once you figure this out, you can then find ways to

get these areas of your life back in order, and fill that hole with something else.

What is it you are trying to escape from?

Responsibilities? Physical or emotional pain?

A bad relationship? A stressful job?

Loneliness?

Your reality?

What was the function “payoff” of gambling for you in the beginning?

Does the gambling still have this effect for you? Why or why not? What do you think

happened to change this for you?

47

I

If you thought gambling was “fixing” something in your life, what was it? Did it succeed?

Does it still?

There are eight major life areas affected by addiction:

Areas:

1. Family

5. Financial

2. Social

6. Spiritual

3. Legal

7. Emotional

4. Physical

8.Occupational

n order for any goal to be successful,

it has to be reasonably attainable

and measurable.

Let’s work through the specific areas

in your life that you need to change: We

can set up goals for each, but let’s take it

one small step at a time. Quite often, we

may set goals for ourselves, and set

them too high to accomplish. This could be because we didn’t break the goals down into

smaller steps, or we want a “quick fix,” or we are “self-sabotaging”. (These are all character-

istics of immediate gratification needs in relation to addiction).

In order for any goal to be successful, it has to be reasonably attainable and measur-

able. Once you have found some confidence in succeeding with these small steps towards

a goal, it will become easier for you to have the confidence to continue changing. How do

you know when you have accomplished the goal?

Area of life:

(Example): Financial Problems

Describe the problem: “I have creditors calling about my credit card debts, wanting money,

and I can’t pay them all. I am afraid to call them.”

Goal: To start a payment plan to pay off the debts over time.

First “small” step to change: I will sit down on a Sunday and go through all the bills I have

been throwing in the corner, afraid to look at. I will take just the latest bill for each account, and

throw the rest away.

(If you think this will be too emotionally overwhelming for you, ask someone you trust to help

you through this step. We don’t want the stress of it to send you into a relapse.)

Second “small” step to change: I will use the financial worksheet in this book to organize all

my bills, and all incoming and outgoing financial information, and call one creditor to set up a

payment plan. Will $20 monthly work?

48

(Continue this one bill at a time, and stick with it!—Pay one off, then another off.You can make

bigger payments)

49

Area of life: Family

Describe the problem:

Goal:

First “small” step to change:

Second “small” step to change:

Area of life: Social

Describe the problem:

Goal:

First “small” step to change:

Second “small” step to change:

Area of life: Legal

Describe the problem:

Goal:

First “small” step to change:

Second “small” step to change:

50

Area of life: Physical

Describe the problem:

Goal:

First “small” step to change:

Second “small” step to change:

Area of life: Financial

Describe the problem:

Goal:

First “small” step to change:

Second “small” step to change:

Area of life: Spiritual

Describe the problem:

Goal:

First “small” step to change:

51

Second “small” step to change:

Area of life: Emotional

Describe the problem:

Goal:

First “small” step to change:

Second “small” step to change:

Area of life: Occupational

Describe the problem:

Goal:

First “small” step to change:

Second “small” step to change:

52

Identifying Beliefs/Reasons for Gambling

(Ciarrocchi)

This is a great beginning worksheet for you to see, in black and white, what function gambling

serves you in your life.

Reasons for gambling

Never

Seldom Often Always

Escape

Loneliness

Boredom

Depression

Pleasure

Entertainment

Habit

“I deserve it”

To “numb out”

Excitement

Problems at Home

Worry about Debt

Celebration

To Isolate

To be Social

Trying to recoup my losses

My system can beat the odds

I deserve to win

A big win will solve everything

Other

   

53

Worksheet “Two Ways for Everything”

List at least two ways your gambling has affected your life in these areas, in a negative way:

Family: Example: Missed family outings

Spouse/Partner:

Example: Told lies

Friends: Example: Borrowed money without paying it back

Finances: Example: Secret credit cards

Self-Esteem: Example: “I am nothing without money”

Employment:

Example: Continually late back from lunch

Health: Example: Can’t sleep, thinking of the money I lost

54

Chapter 9

Withdrawals and Post Acute

Withdrawal Symptoms (PAWS)

It is important to understand that when you stop using substances, gambling, or any-

thing that is affecting your brain, you may experience withdrawals, depression, and

cravings. Here is a quick and somewhat simple lesson to help you understand how addic-

tion actually changes your brain chemistry.

Recent brain studies show that when you ingest a chemical like drugs or alcohol, you

stimulate the reward/pleasure center of your brain. This is what makes you feel good. There

is something called neurotransmitters in the brain and body that fire substances when

needed. You have heard of dopamine, serotonin, adrenaline, and endorphins I am sure. All

of these substances, when produced by the brain, make you feel good. For those of you

who are currently taking anti-depressants, these are usually a prescription that affects the

brain neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonin. Another example would be when you are

working out or doing any kind of cardio work where your heart gets pumping. After a few

minutes you will feel more relaxed and no pain. These are the neurotransmitters of endor-

phins going to work for you.

These recent studies have shown that when gambling, when you are in action, it is

stimulating the reward/pleasure center in the brain and firing off dopamine, serotonin, and

adrenaline. So even though you are not ingesting anything into your body you are still

changing the way your brain is working.

Now with that information you can better understand when I say before someone starts

drinking, using, or gambling, their brain fires these neurotransmitters off by itself and we

feel good. After someone has been using something like alcohol, drugs, gambling etc.,

those behaviors cause the brain to fire the “feel good” neurotransmitters. Then when the

brain doesn’t have to fire these anymore the brain forgets how to. What happens then is

when someone tries to stop those behaviors, the brain wants the reward/pleasure center to

fire, but doesn’t know how to anymore. The result can be craving caused by the brain want-

ing the stimulant, depression because the center isn’t firing, or withdrawals.

55

There are two steps in the withdrawal process:

•

Acute Withdrawal that happens in the first few days after

stopping the behavior. This happens often with drug and alcohol

withdrawal and somewhat with gambling.

•

Post acute withdrawal (PAW) which happens over time.

These are withdrawal symptoms that can last up to 18 months and

sometimes longer.

Detox or acute withdrawal usually lasts for about 3-10 days (can be up to 28 days if

other drugs are involved). This phase is followed by PAWs which usually declines in sever-

ity as time goes by. There are certain times when the brain is healing and learning to reboot

itself or repair itself when it can be particularly more difficult and cause craving and depres-

sive symptoms. These symptoms can increase at 90 days, 6 months, or 12 months so at

these times be more aware of how you are feeling, what you are thinking, and how you are

behaving to help prevent a relapse.

This tells us that you can’t expect to be healed from anything after only 30 days

or so. It takes more time than that.

The first 60-120 days are crucial because not only are you going through physical

changes/withdrawals but making changes in your life to find your path of recovery. Relapse

can happen in the first 6 months because of these major changes and if you don’t under-

stand how vulnerable you are to these PAW symptoms you will not recognize your path to

relapse. Relapse does not need to happen if you recognize and learn to manage your

PAWS relapse symptoms.

Examples of post acute withdrawal (PAW) symptoms:

Difficulty in thinking clearly:

• Concentration is impaired, as is abstract reasoning and the ability to see cause and

effect.

• You may find it hard to set priorities.

• Rapid and repetitive thinking may set in. The mind races or plans the same thing

over and over.

Difficulty in managing feelings and emotions:

• Over reaction can lead to more stress on the system and can produce emotional

numbness.

• One can get overly angry or overly anxious in proportion to the situation or event.

• One can take things too personally or sometimes experience rage for no reason.

56

Difficulty in remembering things:

• Short term memory problems are common at first. You may need to write everything

down.

• Long term memory problems can occur in times of stress.

Sleep disturbances:

• You may dream a lot and have unusual dreams, sometimes gambling dreams and

waking up anxious like you were really awake during the dream.

• You can have difficulty sleeping, may sleep more than you should, or wake up in the

night.

Check the PAWS that you currently are experiencing or have experienced and

identify steps that will help you manage these symptoms.



Sleep problems



Feeling anxious



Irritability



Depression



Weight gain/loss



Low energy



Difficulty in thinking



Can’t focus



Mood swings



Headaches



Loss stress tolerance



Poor concentration



Impaired memory



Impatience



Cravings



Using/drinking/gambling dreams



Impulsivity



Low pain tolerance



Gastrointestinal problems



Low frustration tolerance



Body aches



Shakiness



Fidgety



Loss of enjoyment

Now, name three of these symptoms and ways to cope with them:

1. PAW Symptom:

Way to cope:

2. PAW Symptom:

Way to cope:

3. PAW Symptom:

Way to cope:

57

B

“The first thing I do every morning, and the last before I go to sleep at night,

is to clear my thoughts and simply live in the moment.”

Chapter 10

Journaling

I know that for most people, the very suggestion of journaling can cause them to

freeze up. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to make the idea of journaling any more palat-

able for you. I will tell you that this could be one of the best tools for you to use in your

recovery. Here is why: when you are in the midst of addictive activity, you are so full of

denial, and so out of touch with

your thoughts and feelings, both

physically and emotionally, that you

can’t even imagine any “way out.”

By simply writing down how

you are thinking, feeling, and

behaving daily, you can start to see

patterns that are both good and

y simply writing down how you are

thinking, feeling, and behaving daily,

you can start to see patterns that are both

good and bad for you. Over time, by looking

back at past entries, you can see how far

you have come, and how you have changed.

bad for you. Over time, by looking back at past entries, you can see how far you have come,

and how you have changed.

Trust the process; just try it for a few months, and see if it works for you—nothing can

change if you don’t try something new. Throughout this book, I will provide space for you to

journal. If you are comfortable with journaling already, please get a notebook and start right

away. If not, by the end of the book you will have become more comfortable with it, and may

use it as a self-help tool for life.

Journaling can be as easy as writing one word or thought, or writing a sentence or

paragraph. You can jot something down first thing in the morning to initiate positive thoughts

for your day, or to organize your day. Or, you can write at the end of your day to explore

what happened during the day.

Here are some ideas to write about:

Thoughts—positive and negative Feelings—positive or negative

Behavior—to self or others Reactions to others

Reactions to situations Triggers, urges

Cravings Warning signs

Coping skills used Anger

Loss of control Healthy alternatives to gambling

Positive affirmations Goals—short and long term

Family plans Positive financial step taken.

58

Take a moment and write about your day today:

59

Change your thinking to dealing with life today instead of running from it.

This will make tomorrow easier to deal with.

Chapter 11

Thinking Errors/ Irrational Thinking

(Samenow and Yochelson)

Thinking errors, or irrational thinking patterns, are ways that

addictive people can continue to behave irresponsibly without a

conscience. These errors allow addicts to rationalize and justify what

it is they want, even if it hurts them or someone else. These thoughts

are learned throughout our lives, and become habits that are difficult to break. Fear not, for

it is possible if you want to change your dysfunctional thinking patterns. Old habits can be

broken, and new habits formed, with time and practice. Once you have given these patterns

names, it is harder to let them control you and the unhealthy decisions that you make.

Here are just a few, so when reading them, think about which ones you use, and

on whom. Are you harming yourself or someone else by using them?

•

ANGER:

Some people use anger to gain power over other people or situations even if they are

not angry, as in—“I am sick and tired of your riding me about my gambling, you better shut

up right now!”

(Power Plays are used when you are not getting your way, and this may show up as

intimidation, or walking out on the other person.)

•

BLAMING:

This is when you change the focus of the discussion towards someone else in a nega-

tive way—“I wouldn’t continue to gamble if my life weren’t so stressful, and that includes

you!”

•

LACK OF EMPATHY:

You think only of yourself, and not how your actions will affect others—“Why should he/

she be mad? I am the one who has to deal with getting this money back, not them.”

•

I CAN’T:

If you say you “can’t,” you are you are really saying; “I won’t” so that you don’t have to

be held responsible—“I can’t remember how much I lost gambling!”

60

•

LYING:

We all know what this is, but there are three types of lying:

• Omission: Telling only part of the truth,—10% truth/90% lie. “I stopped at the casino

on my way home for someone else, but not to gamble.”

• Commission: A total lie; saying untruths—“I did not gamble today.”

• Assent: Agreeing with someone just to get them “off your back”—”You’re right, I do

need to stop gambling.”

•

ENTITLEMENT:

This is when you tell yourself you are entitled to something, no matter what—“I de-

serve to stop at the bar for a few minutes to gamble, because I need to relax after my

stressful day.”

•

MINIMIZING:

This is used to get the other person to think that the situation isn’t as bad as it really

is—“I only gambled one time all week, and besides, I only spent $50.”

•

DRAMA/EXCITEMENT:

This works well for a gambler who hates to be bored. You need the excitement of the

gamble so that you will cause a fight, in order to have an excuse to leave and gamble—“I

don’t know what you expect me to do around here, and I am sick to death of staying home

with you and doing nothing but fighting.”

•

SHUT DOWN:

This allows you to quit caring and give up so that you can continue to gamble. “Who

cares? He or she is not going to believe that I didn’t gamble, so I might as well do it anyway.”

•

VAGUENESS:

Creating confusion, and being unclear to the point that the other person gives up, so

that you don’t have to take responsibility for your actions—“What are all these $150 cash

withdrawals on our credit cards?” “They are just things I needed, food, tools, and stuff.”

•

THINKING YOU ARE SPECIAL: (feeling “unique”)

You think that you are “the exception,” and that rules don’t apply to you—“He/She can’t

tell me to never gamble again, I know what I am doing, I don’t have a problem like those

others, I can quit whenever I want to.”

61

•

RATIONALIZATION:

This thought process attempts to provide some other reason for the behavior than its

being caused by the gambling. This is not total denial, but rather, an inaccurate explanation

of the behavior’s cause is given—“I just stopped after work with the guys for some beers.”

•

JUSTIFICATION:

When you come up with some reason to make it all right to gamble, even when you

know that it is not—“It was a VERY stressful day at work, so I needed to relax and unwind

before I came home.”

Pick five thinking errors that you have used to enable your gambling.

Example:

Lying by assent:

“I know I promised not to lie about gambling anymore, and I promise I will tell you

‘straight up’ when I do; it won’t ever happen again!”

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

62

Here are some irrational thoughts most used by gamblers in their addiction. Do

any of these sound familiar to you?

I can control my gambling.

If I borrow this money, I will pay it back before anybody notices that it is gone.

I can win it back—“I’m due!”

Gambling will fix all my problems.

I am a lucky person; I am just going through a dry spell.

I just need to get away from my nagging spouse or partner for a little bit.

It helps me relax.

I can’t afford to take the time from work and home to seek out treatment and self-

education.

I’ll just take bankruptcy out and everything will be fixed, I won’t need to gamble

anymore.

I can quit whenever I want.

My committing suicide would be a good answer for my family; and the insurance money

would take care of my gambling debt.

What are some of yours?

1.

2.

3.

4.

63

I

With irrational thinking, you simply look at things in such a way that they confirm what

you already believe. If you want to see fault in someone else, you will, whether or not it is

truly there. When you hurt someone, you may say “It’s not my fault, they can take it however

they want to.”

n addiction, it seems as if

we have two personalities

—one good and one bad.

There is a voice in our head

which I will call “the addict,”...

We need to acknowledge this

other ‘entity’ so that we know

who it is we are fighting this

battle with.

It takes time and practice to change these

thought patterns from irrational to rational. Here are

a couple of exercises to practice with until they

become a new habit:

I believe that, in addiction, it seems as if we

have two personalities—one good and one bad.

There is a voice in our head which I will call “the

addict,” but you can name it anything you want,

maybe “Joe, Adeline, or the devil,” anything you

want. We need to acknowledge this other entity (so

to speak) so that we know who it is we are fighting this battle with. I am sure that many of

you have been involved in an argument or two with this voice, and have quite often lost!

Some people say, “Don’t even get involved in the argument!” I say, “If you do, try the

‘STOP’ process. It works!”

Using the “STOP” process:

Take a minute to close your eyes and imagine yourself going into “Action” to gamble.

Visualize where you are, what is going on around you, you are starting to feel the physical

excitement, and the voice comes into your head.

What is the voice saying to you? “No one will know,” “I will only spend a few dollars.”

This is the addiction trying to talk you into it, so at this point, yell, “STOP!” either out loud or

in your head. You can do it at any point during the thought span. Put some kind of visual in

your mind when you yell “STOP!” either a stop sign or something red, or perhaps:

“STOP!”

“NO!”

Another type of thinking error occurs when our self-talk is negative, not positive. We

have had some of these errors since childhood; maybe it was someone else in our lives that

started these thinking errors. Maybe a parent or teacher told us that we weren’t good enough

or smart enough, or maybe it was someone telling us that we were worthless and should have

never been born. As we grow into adults, we carry these with us as our truth, and come up

with some negative self-talk all on our own.

64

Here is another exercise to help with this process:

1. Listen to the way you talk to yourself.

a. Tone of voice

b. Words said, either positive or negative

2. Do you put yourself down? Do you make yourself feel unworthy?

3. Interrupt these thoughts by again saying “STOP!”

4. Check in with yourself to see where they came from, whether from you or someone

else in your life.

5. Is it really true? Take a minute to reframe the thought.

Example: “I can’t do anything right, so I just won’t try.”

Turn it into something positive:

“I have done something right by having my son.”

6. What was the situation that caused you to talk to yourself that way?

7. Watch out for these words:

• Always

• Should

• Never

• Everybody

• Ought to

• I deserve this

Think of something that you say to yourself often, and let’s walk through the steps:

a. What did you say to yourself? And how did you say it?

65

b. What happened to make you talk this way?

c. Is it true? How can you change the negative thought into a positive one?

Reframe it.

Try writing down all the negative things you say to yourself, and how many times a day

you say them. Do this for a few days and see the results. Do you really deserve it?

EVERYDAY TELL YOURSELF SOMETHING POSITIVE YOU DID.

COMPLIMENT YOURSELF!

66

Chapter 12

Denial and Defense Mechanisms

(emergence)

Denial is not letting yourself know what reality is.

What we deny is a problem, a feeling, or a loss.

What a wonderful world “Denial” can make for us! It can be our protector, it keeps us

safe from things we are not ready to deal with, but unfortunately, it can get in our way for

leading a healthy, honest lifestyle. Denial works under our normal level of awareness, can

be considered “self-deception” and it is as progressive as our addiction is.

In addiction, denial can build an elaborate system of lies and defense mechanisms, so

that the addict truly believes in what he or she is saying or doing. In fact, as the addiction

progresses, the addict doesn’t even know that he or she is in denial. You will learn how

denial is one of the first “red flags” in relapse later on in the book.

The reason compulsive gamblers (or any other type of addicts) use denial is simply to

set up a protective barrier to keep from admitting and accepting that they have a problem.

Addicts in denial will begin structuring their lives in such a way that supports their denial

within their career, friendships, and social circles.

1. Types of Denial:

•

Simple Denial:

Maintaining that something is not so, insisting that one’s gambling is not a problem,

despite evidence that there is a problem. The gambler’s lying and dishonesty are forms of

denial, and often the gambler is consciously unaware of this truth.

•

Blaming:

Denying responsibility for irresponsible behaviors, and maintaining that the responsibil-

ity lies with someone or something other than oneself.

•

Minimizing:

Admitting to a small part of one’s problem in order to satisfy oneself or others, so as to

make the problem seem much smaller than it really is.

•

Rationalizing:

Gives excuses, “alibis,” and justifications for one’s gambling behavior. The motive here

is to provide some other reason for the behavior than its being caused by the gambling. This

is not total denial, but one is giving an inaccurate explanation of the cause of one’s behavior.

67

•

Anger/Hostility:

Gambling addicts may become angry or irritable at others when the habits of gambling

are brought up.—This may work well to get people to back off, unfortunately, because when

you act out in an aggressive way, people will tend to stop the conversation and avoid the

subject.

•

Diversion:

Changing the subject to avoid a topic that is threatening.

•

Intellectualizing:

Avoiding emotionally searching out the gambling problem by theorizing or generalizing.

•

Humor:

This is a way to avoid any painful feelings associated with the seriousness of the

gambling problem.

2. What denial feels like:

Desperate, afraid, guilty, anxious, and out of control.

Shutting down all emotions—feeling flat or repressed.

Inappropriate reactions to situations.

Tired? Keeping the reality of our actions from showing themselves is like

trying to hold a ball under water. It takes a lot of concentration and energy.

Defensiveness

Feeling detached or disconnected from yourself.

Prolonged use of denial may cause physical or mental illness, heart problems

or depression.

3. Denial sounds like:

“It’s not

that bad”

“I’m too

busy”

“It’s not

that

important”

“I don’t

care”

68

Other Denial tools:

• Comparing oneself to someone worse.

• Euphoric Recall, meaning to remember only the wins, and not the losses.

• Projection—like putting the projector on someone else, “Look at Joe, he’s really

got some problems, but I don’t!”

4. Psychology of Denial

•

Feelings

At any given time, we may be feeling different things, and many times these are un-

comfortable feelings. When we lie, violate our own values and beliefs, break trust with

others, we hurt (unless you are a sociopath and are not connected to your feelings at all).

When we hurt someone or someone hurts us, and there is no one to talk with about it, we

may decide it is not worthwhile to feel, because no one cares anyway.

•

Repression

When we feel intolerable pain, and can’t bear to realize the consequences that our

choices and behaviors have brought upon ourselves and others, we “Shove it down” or

simply “Numb out.” This also happens when, during our lives, we are verbally or non-ver-

bally told that our feelings don’t count. This is when compulsive gambling can be mistaken

for a coping skill, used simply for escaping these negative thoughts and feelings.

•

Defenses

When we become too overwhelmed with the guilt and shame of what we are doing, we

start using our defense mechanisms, knowingly or unknowingly. We can even agree that we

have a problem, but not do anything about it.

•

Masks

This is when we put whatever face or “mask” on that we feel will help us in the current

situation. It is like acting tough when feeling vulnerable, or superior when we feel inferior.

Sometimes we get so good at this “acting” that we become out of touch with who we really are.

As you can see, denial and defense mechanisms can be very helpful for keeping us

slaves to our addictions. What is the alternative? It is to really feel the damage we have

done to our self-esteem, family, children, finances, friendships, spirituality, and co-workers

with our questionable choices. Not only that, but with the amount of fallout caused by the

gambling behaviors, the amount of guilt, shame, and remorse that arises can quickly over-

whelm us with fear and anxiety.

During this stage of the recovery process, make sure that you have solid personal

support around you, because this is almost always a very unstable time. Frankly, this is

69

an area where relapse and suicidal thinking can often occur. Please reach out if this hap-

pens to you. We must continuously be working on new coping skills to help us through

these trying times.

Now that you have learned about Denial…GET OUT OF IT!

In order to break though the denial, you must work through the system of denial you

have built for yourself. Here are the four stages of recovery within denial, referenced from

John Desmet, an addictions specialist with a Veterans’ hospital in Oregon.

Stage I – TOTAL DENIAL

Regardless of his or her actual life reality, the addict refuses to accept or admit the

disease (or addiction).

Stage II – ADMIT (Lip Ser v ice)

Some precipitating crisis, or just the need to “get people off their back” will cause the

client to “admit” to others that they really do have a disease, and that they should do some-

thing about it.

Stage III – ACCEPTANCE

Once recovery is progressing, the gambler really starts to accept and believe that he

or she has the disease or addiction. This acceptance will often occur from about six weeks

to three months into recovery, and can be seen by others in their “Pink Clouding.”

Don’t fool yourself. It takes time to change.

When the cloud dissipates, you may move back to stage I or stage II. Remember that

this will be a lifetime fight. For many in the initial months of recovery, it is normal to move

back and forth between stages I, II, and III. As recovery progresses, there will be more time

spent in stage III, and eventually, (with some hard work) you will move into stage IV.

Stage IV – SURRENDER

Most of you will not enter this stage until after 24—36 months of recovery. (So don’t be

surprised if you continue to have urges.) This stage comes when you totally accept the

addiction (as a disease), and you have a commitment and intense desire to do whatever is

necessary to continue your recovery, and not gamble for the rest of your life. In the 12-step

programs, this is referred to as “willing to go any lengths” to remain abstinent.

“Pink Clouding”—Occurs when you feel great, feeling as if you have

this addiction licked, and as if it was surprisingly easy to lick it. You think

you will not have any problems in the future, especially with relapse.

70

DENIAL and DEFENSE MECHANISMS WORKSHEET

(Emergence)

What is DENIAL?

What is the difference between LYING and DENIAL?

What have been some negative effects or consequences of DENIAL in your life?

How have DENIAL and DEFENSE MECHANISMS, as used by you, affected those around you?

How have you used DENIAL in relationship with gambling?

Why do you think compulsive gamblers and other addicts use DENIAL?

Thinking back on how your addiction progressed, how did your DENIAL change?

Choose any or all eight DEFENSE MECHANISMS. Example: rationalizing, anger, etc. Give

examples of how you used them on others, and what you said to those people.

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How Do You Feel About Your Gambling Today?

(

AADAC

1996)

You will be asked this question throughout the recovery process and this book.

This will help you to stay in touch with your feelings. By checking in with yourself regularly,

the thoughts and feelings that lead to relapse will not hit you blindly.

Check the box that most closely states how you feel today.



Denial/Minimizing—“It’s not that bad, what’s the big deal?”



Bargaining—“I’ll only go two times a week,” or “I will pay you back.”



Hope—Genuine hopefulness: “I hope to win this time.” Or “I hope to quit this time.”



Sadness—Reality sets in: “I have made some bad choices.” “I have hurt others.”



Guilt/Shame—“How could I have let myself do this again? I even stole money.”



Anger—General or specific, at others, at yourself, or at the gambling itself.



Acceptance—“I need help, I can’t do this myself,” or “I can’t stop myself.”



Optimism—“I think I can quit, I am feeling more confident everyday, I feel good.”



Contentment—“There are other things to do besides gambling, I can fight this.”

After completing this small checklist, look back at the last time you filled it out.

(Refer to page 21)

1. What is different?

2. Why do you think it is different?

3. Do you notice any patterns in your answers?

72

Not a failure, just not the right tool for the situation.

Chapter 13

Relapse

(Planned Gamble)

The decision to stop gambling is a difficult one, at best. The choices

you make, and how you manage responsibility and accountability, will help

you find recovery and a happier life. In order to stay in recovery, you must

learn the cycle of addiction and the process of relapse (planned gamble) in order to stop

the impulsive behavior. This includes new coping skills to fill in where the gambling left off,

because gambling was your coping skill. This means finding new ways of being with our-

selves, family, and friends, and new approaches to life’s pressures and situations.

If problems are not dealt with in the proper way, the stress starts to build, and this can

lead us to gamble to escape. Stress is a major cause of relapse—planned gamble, (but not

the only one). The first ninety days of recovery are the most difficult. You will be feeling

things which you have denied and shoved away by gambling. These will be uncomfortable

for you to face until you become confident in your new ways of coping. Remember it takes

practice to make a change in behavior, so don’t give up to soon.

Relapse is not a failure…if you slip,

stop immediately

, and start your recovery

again. This time, dissect what led to the relapse so that you can try something

different next time.

When considering a relapse, think of it as a planned gamble. This means that you have

planned your gamble by setting aside time and money, as well as by preparing your lies, if

needed. Yes, there is a blackout with gambling, where some people have found themselves

in front of a gambling machine without remembering how they got there. —But if they hadn’t

had the money in their pocket in the first place, they couldn’t gamble.

1. What was working before you relapsed?

2. What can you do to get back on track?

I walk two paths, the path of abstinence and the path of recovery. Sometimes they are

the same path, sometimes they are two separate paths. When the paths are separate

and I only walk the path of abstinence, it can become the path of relapse.

(Curt P, Gambler in Recovery)

73

Warning Signs Leading to Relapse

Place a check mark next to any of these that could be possible symptoms

or warning signs of a relapse with gambling:



Wishful Thinking



Irregular attendance at meetings



Unhappy with friends

 Denial



Resentments



“I don’t care” attitude



Loss of concentration

 Overconfidence

 Open rejection of help from others



Lack of self-discipline



Thoughts of gambling



Stop going to support meetings



Feeling a loss of control



Anxiety or stress



Tunnel Vision

 H A L T (hungry, angry, lonely, tired)



Dishonesty



Impatience



Use of drugs or alcohol

 Increased use of alcohol or drugs



Guilt and shame

 Using prescription meds not as prescribed

 Feeling that nothing can be solved  Anger/Argumentativeness



Depression



Frustration



Self-Pity



Isolation



Wanting too much

 Listlessness



Ingratitude



Total dissatisfaction with life



Complacency



Cockiness



Defensiveness



Compulsive or impulsive behavior



Think you can control gamble



Immature wish to be happy



Complete loss of self-confidence



Plans begin to fail



Start controlled gambling



Euphoric recall



Lack of constructive planning



Dissociation with self and feelings

74

What are some of yours?

These can also be considered SYMPTOMS leading to relapse (a planned gamble).

It is very important for others that are close in your life to know and understand these

warning signs before you gamble. It can be very difficult to do, but by sharing your warning

signs with those closest to you, they can help you see them before a relapse happens.

Often, by the time you are fully aware of these warning signs, DENIAL may already have

set in with your addiction. How do you know when you are experiencing a warning sign?

Again, it can be a challenge for you to share this information to others, because you

may want to keep some of these as a secret, so you can gamble again someday. It may feel

like you are getting “caught” or in trouble when you are told by someone else you are acting

this way. I would suggest that a great tool to use is: when you tell someone about these

warning signs, at the same time agree together how you may react when told.

If you have already progressed into DENIAL, than you may get angry at the messen-

ger, and not accept the information. You could also make a written contract at this time,

saying how you may react when confronted in a loving and caring way, so that it can be

seen again with your signature, as a way to break through the DENIAL. Your close family

and friends may already know some of your warning signs, too.—Ask them.

Terence T. Gorski developed a way to explore your warning signs:

1. Select one of your warning signs from above:

2. Description: How do you know when you are experiencing this warning sign?

3. Thinking: What are you usually thinking when you experience this warning sign?

4. Feeling: What are you usually feeling when you experience this warning sign?

5. How are you behaving when you experience this warning sign?

75

Here is another process for you to easily understand breaking

the pattern of relapse:

Relapse looks like this:

Slip or

WARNING SIGN

+

URGE

+

TRIGGER

=

RELAPSE

This is the opening in the relapse cycle in which you can put a tool

or coping skill to break the process of relapse.

Recover y looks like this:

TOOL

NO Slip or

WARNING SIGN

+

URGE

+

TRIGGER

-

COPING SKILL

=

RELAPSE

Notice how I have set up the diagram above. It is good to have this visual as a tool

when in the process of relapse. It is important to know that you can use any of your tools or

coping skills during any part of this relapse process, and not just after a trigger.

First identify the warning sign:

Ex: Anger

Could there be more than one warning sign?

Ex: Anger and Self-Pity

In most instances, there are more than one, and they multiply fast.

What is going on in your life that is causing the warning sign to come up?

Ex: Financial difficulties? Stress at work? Feeling low?

Is this the real problem, or is there more to it? Be specific and complete when you

explore this part.

Example: You say you are mad at your wife when you are really mad at yourself for the

financial strain under which you have put your relationship.



IDENTIFY THE WARNING SIGNS-



IDENTIFY THE PROBLEM-



BE SPECIFIC-

76

R

What tools or coping skills can you use to move away from (or block) the warning

sign? Make sure you have more than two, in case the first or second one doesn’t work.

Ex: of warning sign:

Guilt and Shame

Ex: of tool:

Sit down and write in your journal how far you have come in your recovery.

Ex: of warning sign:

Anxiety/Stress

Ex: of coping skill:

Go to the gym, take a walk, and get physical, until the urge subsides.

Choose one of these tools or coping skills: There may be a different one for every

different warning sign; no one tool is universal for every situation. Think it through

calmly, to see if it is the best choice for you to stop the relapse process.

Ex:

Isolation

Ex:

Pick up the phone and call someone: family, friend, or sponsor.

Make a plan of how to carry your recovery through to the end, visually seeing yourself

taking the steps to follow through with your plan. What will work for you to interrupt the

relapse warning signs?

a. Short-range goal: What small steps will you take?

b. Long-range goal: Total removal of the warning sign(s).

Take a look at your plan and see how effective it is for you. If the warning signs continue,

you will need to fine tune your plan.

Don’t just plan, work it through, practice and visualize it so that you are

ready when the time arises.

elapse prevention means making the commitment

to do anything it takes to recover, and then not

backing down from that fight.



CHOOSE ONE–



MAKE A PLAN –



EVALUATE –

77

Now let’s practice this process.

Identify three possible warning signs for yourself:

Identify three problems that you are currently having that could be causing the signs:

Be specific with the problem—Could there be something more?

Identify two tools or coping skills for each of these three warning signs:

1.

2.

3.

Now put together one tool for each warning sign, and walk your way through

the process to see if you believe it will work for that situation.

a. Short-range goal: What small steps will you take?

b. Long-range goal: Will this remove the warning sign?

c. Visualize the process, and walk it through to the end result.

d. Evaluate: Do you need to change anything?

1.

2.

3.

78

How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away his credit cards. (Unknown)

Triggers

Triggers are events that you may not even be aware of. It is just

as it sounds: You’re going along in your life without paying attention to

the warning signs, an urge comes along, and BAM! There is a trigger

thrown into the mess, and you are off and running, gambling.

It is possible for this to happen without your even thinking about it. What was the trig-

ger? A trigger can originate internally from ourselves, or externally from others, or from

situations around us. Triggers help release any pent-up anxiety or tension we have built up

along our road to relapse. If we are not aware of our thoughts, feelings, and the way we are

behaving, we will find ourselves in a slip or relapse.

Here are some examples of triggers:

Internal

• Low self-esteem

• Anger

• Selfishness

• Anxiety

• Loneliness

External

• Argument with a spouse or co-worker

• Stress at work

• Financial problems

• “Slippery Places”

• “Slippery People”

• Money in pocket

Situational

• Bad traffic

• Long line in grocery store

• Car won’t start

• Anything that is out of our control

In any treatment agency, or with any anonymous support group such as GA, AA, NA, etc.,

you will hear about H.A.L.T as a trigger for any addiction.

H

UNGRY

A

NGRY

L

ONELY

T

IRED

79

Any one of these can cause a relapse by triggering you. Think back through your

experience with your gambling; does this sound familiar? It should, because triggers affect

us when we are not taking care of ourselves, or paying attention to the basic needs of our

body, mind and spirit. This is when “the addict” can slip up from behind you, and take you

places you don’t want to go.

What are some of your triggers?

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Explore the Relapse Cycle below:

COMPLACENCY

BALANCED

LIFE

FEELINGS

RECOVERY

WORKING A PROGRAM

WARNING

SIGNS

URGES

P

INK

CLOUD

THE

CYCLE

(Planned Gamble)

DISEASE

THINKING

TRIGGER

GET

TREATMENT

STOP

GAMBLING

FIRST GAMBLE

NEGATIVE

CONSEQUENCES

HITTING

BOTTOM

CONTINUED GAMBLING

80

Path to Relapse

As you have already learned, relapse is not just

“something that happens.” There is a whole process to its

development, and if you can master and be in touch with

your thoughts and feelings, you will be able to stop a relapse

before it gets out of control.

Remember: RELAPSE IS A PROCESS.

Relapse begins with thoughts, feelings and behaviors that bring on denial, stress, bad

judgment, irrational thinking, self-sabotaging behavior, and negative self-talk. A daily

check-in with yourself as to how you are thinking, feeling, and behaving will be your best

“Tool” to stop the relapse process.

What does relapse (return to gambling) mean to you?

How could you prevent a return to gambling?

Identify some of the situations that have happened to you previously that led to a relapse.

Many gamblers in treatment have shared how they “found” themselves in a gambling

establishment without knowing or remembering how they got there. This can be called a

blackout, much like a blackout with drug and alcohol abuse. Some have said that they

gambled for a period of time and were surprised when they saw it was much longer than

they thought, or they spent more money than they thought; both of these phenomena can

be called a brownout.

Many gamblers have also said that their car “just pulled into the parking lot without their

realizing it.” When we questioned them further, we found out that they thought they could

drive by the establishment without consequence, just to test their progress in their recovery.

To further test themselves, they then decided that they would go in, and just limit them-

selves with money and time. Where in this relapse process do you think they could have

stopped themselves?

81

It is very important to really break down and analyze your relapses in a very

detailed way. What was going on a week before? A day before? That morning? Where in

the process were you planning and setting yourself up for the relapse?

What was happening with your family, job, spouse, finances?

Where was your support network?

How were you feeling emotionally?

How were you feeling physically?

How were you reacting to others?

Break it down even further: Remember a time that you last gambled when you had

promised yourself or someone else you wouldn’t.

What did you do, and how were you feeling the day of your relapse?

When you woke up in the morning.

Half a day before gambling.

One hour before gambling.

15 minutes before gambling.

82

1. How did you feel while gambling?

a. Physically

b. Emotionally

c. Thoughts

2. How did you feel afterward?

a. Physically

b. Emotionally

c. Thoughts

3. How did you feel when you woke up the next morning?

a. Physically

b. Emotionally

c. Thoughts

One last thought about relapse: for many people, some of the most difficult times

they will have is during the holidays. Take some time to think about your holiday times.

Many people are alone, or have a family that is dysfunctional. Some families have their

traditions centered on drinking or gambling. There may be a lot of grief over the loss of

friends and family through death and divorce, or because, in our addiction, those close to

us had to walk away as a result of the negative things we had done to them. This is the

hardest loss of all to deal with. This is our own unfortunate doing, and can be an extremely

hard responsibility to accept.

All of these can be situations that are very uncomfortable and challenging, and our old

habits or old coping skills could cause us to revert to alcohol, drugs, or gambling. If you

don’t have a solid support system, set yourself up with one before these situations arise.

This is where your relapse prevention plan can help. It is better to PREPARE and PRE-

VENT than to react after the damage is already done.

Gambling will be the most important thing in your life

for the rest of your life.

You will either think about doing it

or not doing it.

–MB, gambler in recovery

83

RELAPSE PREVENTION PLAN

Let’s work on a relapse prevention plan. This is something which you will also write on

a separate piece of paper that you can carry in your wallet, so that it will be easy to get to in

case of an emergency. It would be helpful with accountability for yourself if you could share

this with someone that you trust. How could these people best tell you that they think you

are walking the path to relapse?

List three names and numbers of someone you could trust to call and help you

not gamble. Remember who you can reach at any given hour of the day:

1. Name: Number:

2. Name: Number:

3. Name: Number:

List four warning signs before gambling:

1. 2.

3. 4.

What are your high risk situations?

External High Risk Situations for me:

Ex: Driving past my favorite place to “Test” myself.

People Places Time of day Situations

1.

2.

3.

4.

84

__

_

Internal High Risk Situations for me:

Ex: Picking a fight with my spouse so that I can leave the house to gamble.

Behaviors Feelings

Emotions Thinking Spiritually

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Four triggers that are High Risk for me:

1. 2.

3. 4.

Name four Tools or Coping Skills that you can use:

1. 2.

2. 4.

In relapse, we “set ourselves up,” sometimes unconsciously. What I mean is that we may

set up having “free” time, “extra” cash in our pocket, and “created an injustice” to motivate us.

Identify two ways that you have set yourself up to relapse in the past:

1.

2.

85

86

I

Don’t make any decisions when you are in a highly-charged emotional or physical state.

Chapter 14

Coping Skills

Even though you have chosen to quit gambling and

change your life for the better, that doesn’t mean that you will

not feel urges or cravings to gamble, for some time down the

line, possibly for the rest of your life.

When I was in a group and individual counseling setting, I had everyone get a note-

book in which to put all their “homework” papers, notes and letters. I required them to bring

the notebook in to group and individual meetings. I strongly suggested that they carry this

book with them everywhere they went, and to keep it accessible for the rest of their lives.

This is a tool, or coping skill, for them as this book can be for you.

I believe that once you have an addiction, it is

much like having a disease like heart disease, or as

if you have grown a new appendage on your body. I

am sure that these examples sound extreme, but

think about it: If you have a disease like heart dis-

ease, you have to change your lifestyle in how you

eat, exercise and take care of yourself, is that not

right? Similarly, addiction is also a disease. If you

grew a new arm, then you would have to acknowl-

edge its being there everyday, and adapt to it, right?

The same is true with addiction.

This is how I see addiction: once you have it, it

will always be with you, for the rest of your life... But

you can change your lifestyle in order to live with

f you have a disease like

heart disease, you have to

change your lifestyle–in how

you eat, exercise and take

care of yourself, is that not

right? This is how I see

addiction: once you have it,

it will always be with you, for

the rest of your life... But you

can change your lifestyle in

order to live with addiction.

addiction. You must acknowledge it daily so that it will not get in the way of a healthy life for

you. I ran into an ex-client one day who had three years of recovery at that point, and he

was carrying his notebook into a GA meeting. I was so proud of him! He shared with me

that he still thinks about gambling at least a couple times a month, and that he carries his

book and opens it to remember where he came from in the process of recovery.

Think about when you would want to go gamble—was it during high stress times?

Fighting with your partner? Low on finances? All of these types of situations will continue;

they are all just a normal part of life. You used gambling as a coping skill for these times, so

now what will you use instead? If you don’t find new coping skills to replace the gambling,

you may find it very difficult to fight the cravings and urges.

87

It is very normal to have these cravings, and as time goes on and you continue to

gain new coping skills, the cravings will come further and further apart, and not last as long.

These cravings can make you feel very uncomfortable, and you may not think you will be

able to get through them in the beginning. Therefore it is important to find new ways to deal

with life on life’s terms as soon as possible. You can ride them out with the proper tools, but

you need to have the “tool box” ready when they happen. Let’s work through some possible

skills you can use:

Accept the truth that cravings are a normal process in recovery.

Find healthy alternatives to replace the gambling.

Share your cravings with others. The disease “loves secrets.”

Use your support network to ride the craving through.

Use positive self-talk, telling yourself that you’re on the right path to recovery.

Eat well and exercise.

Stay busy and focused.

Recognize the warning signs and triggers.

Stay away from “Slippery places” and “Slippery people.”

(Gambling establishments and gambling friends)

Reward yourself for not gambling.

Ask for help from someone else.

Plan ahead.

Stay focused on things that are in your control.

List three coping skills that you can use:

88

Coping Skills Practice

Craving Escape Skills

_____ Accepting that cravings are a normal part of my recovery process

_____ Recognizing and acknowledging a craving and moving through it

_____ Finding alternative activities to reduce cravings

_____ Recognizing and avoiding my triggers

_____ Using my self-talk to remind me that I don’t want to gamble

_____ Share the craving, don’t keep it a secret, let someone know

Stress Reduction Skills

_____ Be open and honest, free from harmful secrets

_____ Concentrating my efforts on things that are in my control

_____ Letting go of the things that are not in my control

_____ Choosing wise eating and exercise choices

_____ Staying organized and staying busy in my day

_____ Confronting my fears, taking prompt action to do so

_____ I will not isolate, I will use the support system I have built

Gambling and Other Drug and Alcohol Refusing Skills

_____ Staying away from slippery people

_____ Staying away from slippery places

_____ Removing myself from high risk situations

_____ Being direct and putting up boundaries

_____ Call a support person

_____ Reward myself for following through with refusal

Communication Skills

_____ Starting a conversation using “I” statements

_____ Listening to what others have to say

_____ Asking for help when needed

_____ Using body language in a positive way

_____ Being direct and assertive

_____ Making eye contact

89

Accepting Criticism Skills

_____ Asking for feedback from others

_____ Showing appreciation for others feedback

_____ Showing an openness to others opinions

_____ Accepting and following sound advice

_____ Recovering quickly from hurt or angry feelings

_____ Selecting the appropriate people to ask for help

Decision Making Skills

_____ Planning ahead

_____ Use common sense and objective thinking

_____ Asking for others opinions on issues and decisions

_____ Looking for a variety of differing ideas

_____ Thinking through all possible positive and negative outcomes or consequences

_____ Sticking to my good decisions

Anger Management Skills

_____ Control my rage by deep breathing and walking away if necessary

_____ Keeping myself from making hurtful or angry remarks I will regret later

_____ Accepting my limitations

_____ Practicing patience

_____ Expressing my anger in appropriate ways

_____ Offering forgiveness to others

Relationship Building Skills

_____ Sharing my feelings

_____ Offering my assistance and support

_____ Respecting others rights and opinions

_____ Putting in quality time

_____ Being sensitive to others’ feelings

_____ Being trustworthy and trusting

90

In all of the skills listed above what benefits will I gain by strengthening

these skills?

____________________________________________________________________

Who are the people in your life that can help you practice these skills?

____________________________________________________________________

91

Write about a time when you used a coping skill and were successful:

Write about a time when you used a coping skill unsuccessfully:

What made it successful?

What made it unsuccessful?

How can you improve on the unsuccessful coping skill used?

Would another coping skill have been a better choice for the situation?

92

Coping with Stress

1. Focus on Today:

Concentrate on the activities and issues of today. Let go of yesterday

and let tomorrow wait. When you are bothered by guilt from past

behavior or preoccupied with worry about the future, your stress level

will be high for the present.

This is how I can keep my focus in the present today: ___________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

2. Schedule your Time Wisely:

Don’t schedule too many activities for the day but make sure you have all your time

filled. Free time can be the most dangerous time for addiction to surface. Be sure you

provide for relaxation periods even 5 minutes long with deep breathing. This will help

calm your nerves.

This is how I will organize my time wisely: ____________________________________

3. Stay Honest with Yourself and Others:

Part of recovery is rigorous honesty which helps you find serenity. It allows you to take

responsibility for your behaviors and takes the stress out of being dishonest to friends

and family. Honesty is the foundation and stability for your recovery, life and

relationships.

This is how I will remain honest with myself and others: _________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

4. Begin to Deal with Your Finances:

Work on a financial assessment with your counselor, family member, friend,

sponsor, or mentor. Begin by listing all outstanding debts. Use chapter 17

(page 98) to help you do your financial budgeting. Be sure you are ready

for this, so you don’t add more stress, causing relapse because of overwhelming

feelings associated with money. Deal with your bills and creditors as soon as possible.

This is how I can start small steps to regain my finances: ________________________

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5. Find a Physical Outlet or Exercise you Enjoy:

Start slow if you haven’t been physical in some time. Go for a brisk walk, ride a bike or

swim, anything that gets your body moving. Physical exercise is a great way to reduce

stress. It moves adrenaline through and out of your body if you are craving gambling or

anything else.

This is an exercise I can commit to this week: _________________________________

6. Confront your Fears:

If you know you are going to have a stressful or difficult situation coming up identify

your feelings first and then your fears. Write or journal about them. What in your past

has happened to make you fearful of this particular situation? Talk about your fears with

this issue with your counselor or anyone else you trust.

This is how I will confront my fears: _________________________________________

7. Find your Own Sacred Place and Time:

This is a quiet place to sit with yourself away from life’s stressors. A

place you can breathe, meditate, or visualize calming yourself. The

best would be at a certain time each day in a certain place. Then if

there is a time you can’t get there you can think and visualize this

place and continue to calm yourself.

This is my calming place and time: __________________________________________

8. Learn to be Assertive with Others:

Take responsibility for identifying and meeting your own needs. Communicate this with

others with a clear, open and emotionally honest way. Know your rights and stand up for

them but do not be aggressive with your approach. Appreciate yourself, your strengths,

your abilities, and your uniqueness.

This is how I will be assertive with others: ____________________________________

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9. Get a Good Nights Sleep:

Recovery from compulsive gambling will go more smoothly if you can establish a

regular sleep pattern. Many gamblers have had fitful or missed nights sleep because of

the stress caused by the gambling behavior.

This is how I will set up a regular sleep pattern and ways that will help me relax enough

to go to sleep: ________________________________________________________

10. Share your Secrets:

Keeping secrets is a large part of gambling addiction. It is a “secret” addiction. Try to

stay open to others and regain their trust in you. Let them see the person you can be

without gambling.

This is a secret I have yet to tell anyone and will share it with someone: ___________

11. Lastly and Most Importantly Laugh at Yourself!

Living a stressful addictive life is tiring and humorless. It is time to find

humor in your mistakes. Give yourself permission to be imperfect.

(Now that’s a relief!) If you do this around others you will see a great

change in how they react to you in a more supportive way and have

better communication and honesty with you.

This is how I will not take myself and life so seriously: __________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

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If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything. (Mark Twain)

Chapter 15

Tools To Stop Gambling

Remember to “Play the Tape” through; this means to visualize what the gambling

episode will look and feel like, all the way from the “Action,” or “feel” in the beginning, to

the “crash” at the end, and the negative consequences, or the “fallout,” that results. You

don’t want to spend too much time nurturing or harboring thoughts of gambling, but rather,

you should focus more on what negative consequences your addictive behavior may

cause in the end: Loss of money, severe depression, constant fighting with a spouse,

loss of self-value, etc.

Anytime you leave someplace, be it work, a meeting, GA, or working out at a gym,

call a support person and tell them that you are leaving, where you are, and how long it

should take you to get home. This is your effort at ACCOUNTABILITY, so that you cannot

allow yourself to fall into temptation and stop to gamble on your way home.



Get three 3” x 5” index cards,

and on one side, write:

a. Your worst negative consequence from

emember how it feels

when you get done

b. Why it is you don’t want to gamble

gambling and have lost all

your money...

On the other, write:

c. Three positive activities to replace gambling.

d. Three names and phone numbers you can call if you need to.

When you have done this, put one card in your wallet, one in your car (visor), and

one somewhere in your house, so that the information is always handy to get to in an

emergency.

If you have a partner, spouse, or children, keep a picture of them on your car visor,

your refrigerator, or your front door. There is no greater deterrent to self-destructive behav-

ior than to see the happy, loving faces of your loved ones looking at you!!

Now get some more 3” x 5” index cards (colorful ones help, psychologically speaking,

for the brain to remember). On these cards, write a word or words that will remind you

everyday that you don’t want to gamble!

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For example: Put a card on your front door, or bathroom mirror, that says, “I choose

not to gamble today.” Or “Play the tape” or “Stop, don’t gamble!” or “One day at a time!”

Don’t forget that you can use this same tool for positive affirmations, and to change

your negative and irrational thinking habits. For example: “Yes I can!” or “Honesty.” or “Life is

good when I am not gambling!”

The reason that this displaying such cards for yourself is such a great tool is that if you

look at the word everyday and say it out loud, your brain will incorporate it into your

thoughts as a habit and a positive thought, instead of as a negative one. If there comes a

time when you don’t really notice it anymore (which can and will happen), choose a new

one, and work on that.

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You are in a relationship with money, whether you think of it in these terms or not,

and like the other relationships in your life, this one needs work to make it successful.

(Suze Orman)

Chapter 16

Emotional Meaning of Money

This chapter will help you explore the emotional meaning of money and how personal

beliefs and values surrounding money can cause problems in your life. It is important to

understand the distorted relationship between problem gamblers, their money, and the

problems money creates in their life.

This chapter will help you recognize your attachment or detachment with money.

I mean for you to take a look at your relationship with money, how you spend it, and explore

any thinking errors you use to spend and gamble with it. It is often true that if we are impul-

sively gambling money we may very well be impulsively spending money. Money can be

uncomfortable and there can be a lot of pressure with money in many forms.

We are all taught either verbally or non-verbally ways of dealing with money from the

day we are born. I believe it will help you to see where your beliefs and values came from if

you were to look back at your childhood. What do you remember about the way those close

to you dealt with their money, or how they taught you to deal with your money? How many

of us were even taught how to use a checkbook? Or how to start a savings account? Or

track how much we are spending and on what?

Some of your beliefs may be working well for you and some may not. We need to take

them out and look at them to decide if it is time to throw away any bad beliefs that aren’t

working. As we change in our lifetime so does the need for our beliefs to change. Some

may no longer be worthwhile and we may need some new ones that fit better in our current

lifestyle.

A Belief is not merely an idea the mind possess; it is an idea that possess the mind.

(Robert Bolt)

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Let’s start exploring the emotional meaning of money with these few questions:

 Write down the first 10 words that come to mind when you think of the word “money.”

1. _____________________ 2. ______________________

3. _____________________ 4. ______________________

5. _____________________ 6. ______________________

7. _____________________ 8. ______________________

9. _____________________ 10. ______________________

 Circle all of the words that you think have a negative connotation.

 Are these words a surprise to you in any way?

 Do you see a connection or significance with the words you chose?

 Write 3 things you are proud of in terms of your relationship with money.

1. _________________________________________________________

2. _________________________________________________________

3. _________________________________________________________

 Write 3 things you feel badly about in terms of your relationship to money.

1. ___________________________________________________

2. ___________________________________________________

3. ___________________________________________________

 Which is the easier list to complete? Why?

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Money can be a mood altering state of mind that can rule ones life

and interfere with relationships. Addictive money problems can lead to

relapses with gambling, using drugs and drinking. Money has been used

over time in both positive and negative ways.

Here are a few ways money can be used:

Power/Control Security Self-Esteem/Self-Worth

Attractiveness Success Freedom

Magical Thinking Love/Sexuality

Can you give examples of each of these? Here are just a couple:

 Magical thinking:

“I didn’t spend my money, I used a credit card.”

“I can pay off this credit card by moving it to a lesser interest card.”

“I don’t have enough money to pay my bills; I will take this $50, gamble and double my money.”

ATM and Credit Cards = Power

When we talk about money beliefs, all these examples above are

money beliefs. Don’t forget if we have a belief about something, then we

behave in a way that causes results. Take a look at chapter 19 about

beliefs (pg 117 ). These results can have positive or negative

consequences. It is the belief that drives the behavior that gives us the end results.

 How would you describe a good relationship with money?

 How could you improve your relationship with money?

10

0

Fun with Artwork

Draw one of the memories below or choose one of your own:

•

Your happiest memory of money

•

Your most painful memory of money

•

Your first memory of money

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Build Your Own Barriers to Money

When trying to stop impulsive spending or compulsive gambling we need to set up

barriers to the money. The more barriers, the more difficult it is to be impulsive and get your

hands on the money. That is a powerful way to stop the behavior. If you can’t get your hands

on money you can’t continue the behaviors of spending or gambling.

One barrier will slow you down maybe long enough until the craving passes. Some-

times it takes more than one barrier. Here is where accountability with another person and

your money can come in handy.

Here are some things to think about….

 What is your access to money?

 When do you get paid next?

 What is your safety plan for your money?

 Do you have your check automatically deposited?

 How much access to money do you really need?

 What is the most amount of money you need in a day? For lunch?

Cup of coffee? Pop?

 Now what is the least money it would take for you to gamble?

 Find an amount between the most money you need in a day, and the least amount of

money it takes to gamble. This is the amount you should carry in your pocket:

$5.00 or $10.00

 Take a few minutes and explore ways to put up barriers to acquire money to gamble.

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2

I

It might take years to pay off your financial problems, but you can think more clearly

tomorrow, if you take the day off of worrying about them today.

Chapter 17

Money and Finances

Before we begin talking about finances in general, let’s explore

the emotional meaning and ramifications of having, using, and even

possibly abusing, money

After you have been gambling for some time,

whether it is a matter of months or years, money

no longer seems like money. You may have lost all respect and value for it.

A gambler once told me, “(Money) is just a vehicle for me to get what I

need from gambling. I have no idea how much money I have put into the machines, nor do I

have any idea how much I have won or lost. It’s not about the money, or winning, anymore.”

Money is a difficult subject for many of us

to handle, whether we are in recovery or not, a

gambler or not. For some reason, society has

t’s not about the money,

because gamblers have to

led us to believe that our finances should be a

secret, as in: “It is no one’s business how much

I make, no one’s business how much I have in

the bank, and it is no one’s business how much

money I have lost, gambling!”

gamble until the money is gone...

It is more about thoughts and

fantasies of the “Big win.”

Gamblers seem to have less of an emotional attachment to money than most people do.

What about you? How do you feel about money?



“Easy come, easy go!”



It is burdensome.



There is too much responsibility associated with money.



There is too much stress associated with money.

Obsession with money can be an actual disorder… really! It is full of secrets and

mystery. Until you can understand your relationship with, and build a healthy amount of

respect for money, you will never find value in it, and it won’t be worth anything to you.

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3

In today’s gambling world, quite often we don’t even need any cash in hand to gamble.

Video Poker Machines can be run with a type of credit card. You plug the card into the

gambling machine, and gamble away! You have no idea how much money you are really

spending… the amount only shows up as credits. After you have won, you print out a piece

of paper to go collect your money.

The fascination with money isn’t even about seeing or hearing the money fall out of the

machine—over time, you could be putting hundreds of dollars in the machine and winning

back much less, but you tend to forget how much you have had to put in to win back that

amount. I would definitely call that type of activity a disorder.

Now let’s explore the nature of your relationship with money, and how that relationship

forged your existing value system concerning money:

1. What was your first memory of money as a child?

2. What is your happiest memory of money?

3. What is your worst memory of money?

4. What did your parents teach you about handling money?

5. How are you affected by money?

a. Positively?

b. Negatively?

6. How do you feel about receiving financial credit?

7. Do you pay off your credit regularly?

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Here are some sobering thoughts about the reality of receiving financial credit

in this day and age:

Minimum payments on bank credit cards work like this,

and are very costly in the long run:

If you have an 18.5% interest rate on your credit card, and if you pay only the mini-

mum payment monthly, it will take you more than eleven years to

pay off a debt of $2,000.

During this time, you will pay interest charges of

$1,934.00, almost doubling the original charge.

If you owe $2,500 and charge only an additional $25 each

month at 19% interest, and are faithfully paying the $52 minimum each billing period, when

will you be debt free?...



You will never be debt free!

If you began this cycle at age 25, by the time you’re 65, you’ll have paid $24,960 in

interest, and still have a balance owing of $2,500. Just think of all the fun, wonderful, pro-

ductive and constructive things that you could have done with the $24,960!

I don’t know about you, but I find this shocking!: A frighteningly high percentage of

adults in our society have severe credit card problems, especially gamblers. If you have

problems with credit cards, then there is no reason to have more than one credit card, and

that for emergencies only! There are many dangerous aspects of gambling and blindly

seeking the rush associated with it.

Think about this:

1. Part of the “gamble,” or one aspect of the thrill of gambling, is the juggling of money.

For example, let’s imagine that you have used some money to gamble that you shouldn’t

have, and LOST!... Where did you get that money from? A credit card? Your checking ac-

count? Now, you have to scramble to replace the money that you knew you should never

have gambled away in the first place. A large part of the gambler’s “high” is caused by the

adrenaline rush that comes with the realization that one has lost valuable money, and with

the stress of trying to figure out where to get the money before being confronted by a

spouse or a partner!

Another part of the thrill comes when you move money from one place to another.

This is called, “Stealing from Peter to pay Paul.” Wouldn’t you agree from memory of

experience about the excitement, or “rush,” it causes? You still don’t have the money to

replace the lost money, but psychologically, you fool yourself into thinking you paid it back.

You really are just digging yourself further in the proverbial “hole.”

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Speaking of “digging”… another part of the thrill of the gamble comes after digging a

hole for yourself, where the new challenge and thrill you face involves getting yourself out of

the hole. We “win” again and again after we successfully dig ourselves out, until we dig

another hole for ourselves the next time, and the next, and the next,……

Now, let’s get into a financial plan for you to work through. Please be aware of

how you are feeling when doing this part, it can cause severe anxiety and throw you

into relapse.

Remember, money has been our tool, our means, to gamble, and

mastering it may have been a valuable coping skill for life’s stressors. During

our gambling indulgences, we don’t always pay attention to the financial

damage we are causing in our lives, do we? In fact, we have gone out of our

way not to look at what we are doing, because if we were to see the amount

of damage we caused, we would have to admit to our totally dysfunctional

problem with gambling. If you are having a lot of difficulty with this financial

exercise, work through it with someone you trust, be it your counselor, your therapist, friend,

spouse, or your GA group.

Don’t, however, make the fatal error of making your financial management plan too

terribly limiting on your day-to-day living budget, for if you were to take away all of your

personal pleasures in life, you could become resentful, overreact, and spontaneously back-

slide into gambling. The excessive immediate deprivation could “trigger” old superstitious

beliefs and irrational thinking patterns. Maybe you would start fantasizing that a “Big Win”

could save you financially, and get you out of debt.

Remember that that is not the truth, or else you would not be in the financial position

with debt that you are currently, and probably, chronically, in. Gambling didn’t work for you...

Did it? I wouldn’t think you would be reading this book!

On a positive note, you may well have developed skills because of and related to your

gambling addiction, that could aid you in your attempts at money management. These skills

may include, but are not necessarily limited to the following:



Resourcefulness



Creative financial skills



Movement of money



Summoning the necessary energy to get money



Time management

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Now, you can begin to use these worksheets to get yourself out of debt. I am sure

that you like a challenge, so here is one: I have said earlier in this book that you should get

all your bills together, and keep only the most recent one from each account on which you

owe money. One of my clients had a pile bigger than their dining room table of bills he

hadn’t looked at for many months. This appeared overwhelming to him, so he refused to

look at them. He had someone from a group that he trusted over to his house to help him

go through them all. He then brought them into my office, and we wrote them all down, and

came up with a plan...

These plans are slow-going if you have a lot of debt. Don’t expect it all to be fixed right

away. It could take several months or years. Some gamblers have lost all of their retirement

and savings money, and may never be able to replace that money.

So now, let’s start by writing down your

monthly

income:

Income Sources Monthly

You

Spouse

Wages after taxes

$ $

Tips or commissions from a sale (average)

$ $

Social Security

$ $

Food stamps

$ $

Investment income (interest, dividends)

$ $

Unemployment benefits

$ $

Pensions retirement payments

$ $

Child support

$ $

Trust fund

$ $

Inheritance $ $

Welfare/disability $ $

Other $ $

Total Income

$ $

Total Income for both

$

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Now let’s take a look at your

monthly

expenses—estimate them if necessary:

Housing:

Mortgage/Rent $

Property Taxes/Fees $

Utilities:

Electricity $

Telephone $

Water/Sewer $

Heat/Gas $

Cable/Satellite $

Computer/DSL $

Long Distance Charges $

Transportation:

Car Payment $

Gas $

Bus/Taxi $

Parking Fees $

Food:

Eating out $

Groceries $

Recreation:

Entertainment $

Sports/ Hobbies $

Babysitter $

Insurance:

Car/Truck

$

Health $

Home $

Life $

Personal:

Cigarettes

$

Alcohol $

Personal Hygiene $

Other:

Back Income Taxes Owed $

Credit Cards $

Loans $

Newspaper/Magazines

$

Child Care $

Gifts B-Day/Xmas $

Travel/Vacation $

Gambling Debts $

Gambling Related Arrest/Bail/Fines $

Attorney’s/Legal Fees $

Gambling Treatment/Counseling $

Gambling Restitution $

Recreation $

Education

$

Laundry/Cleaning $

TOTAL MONTHLY EXPENSES:

A. $

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There are a few annual expenses that you will need to add up and divide by twelve in

order to get an estimate to add to your monthly expenses.

Clothing Family Total $

Property Taxes

$

Education Books/Supplies, etc.

$

Medical: Prescriptions

$

Dentist $

Eye Doctor $

Maintenance: Home $

Vehicles

$

Business Expenses $

Licenses/Certificates $

Total Annual Expenses:

$

÷ 12 =

B. $

Add Column A. and B. A.+ B. = $

From Above

= Total Monthly Expenses

So how do these two figures match up? Take a deep breath… close your eyes, and tell

yourself that it may look overwhelmingly impossible to accomplish right now, but that, with

time and determination, this monstrous financial and emotional debt can be addressed, and

hopefully, resolved and healed.

“One small step, or one bill, at a time.”

$

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Let’s look at ways in which we can improve this financial deficit ratio:

What are some possible ways in which you can add to your income?

Example: Second job.

1. ____________________________ 2. _____________________________

3. ____________________________ 4. _____________________________

5. ____________________________ 6. _____________________________

7. ____________________________ 8. _____________________________

9. ____________________________ 10. ____________________________



How much income do you think this can add monthly? $______________

(Ask others for their ideas)

What are some possible ways you can cut your expenses back?

Example: Don’t subscribe to newspaper or magazines.

1. ____________________________ 2. _____________________________

3. ____________________________ 4. _____________________________

5. ____________________________ 6. _____________________________

7. ____________________________ 8. _____________________________

9. ____________________________ 10. ____________________________



How much expense do you think this can save you monthly? $__________

(Ask others for their ideas)

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Here are a few hints for you:

1. One of the best ways to reduce debt is to tackle the high interest loans (Checks

for cash can charge interest rates up to 500%), and credit balances (with or without

high interest rates possibly 24%). As you learned earlier in this section, paying the

minimum on credit bills does nothing for you. Get rid of these first.

2. Once you have all of your financial paperwork organized in the worksheet, don’t

“slack off.” Keep it visible and

updated as you pay off bills, or

somehow control your expenses.

Open your mail everyday so that

it doesn’t start to stack up on

you again.

You have tackled the hardest

part of the financial section, so,

“Congratulations!”

This part of recovery takes a lot

of courage and determination.

he obsession with handling, controlling,

and frivolously wasting, money will lose

its lethal grip on you eventually. When you

truly understand how emotionally tied to it

you are, and that that unhealthy bond is what

keeps you gambling, you will put a new value

and worth to money, as well as to your own

self and being.

3. The obsession with handling, controlling, and frivolously wasting, money will lose its

lethal grip on you eventually. When you truly understand how emotionally tied to it you

are, and that that unhealthy bond is what keeps you gambling, you will put a new value

and worth to money, as well as to your own self and being. You must learn to respect

the proper use of money, or you will be trying to get yourself out of the same, but ever-

deepening, financial “hole,” again and again and again.

The last subject which I wish to address right now is that of getting

in touch with your creditors... DON’T RUN!!! I know that this is a

very difficult feat, and it takes a lot of bravery to do...

...So, remember to breathe, to talk assertively, and to be honest…but

only tell your creditors how much you can pay them, and when you can make

payments—for if you overestimate your payments, and don’t follow through with paying

them, it could mean even direr, negative consequences for your already bad financial

situation. Please remember that we are trying to get rid of these negative

consequences in your life, not make them worse.

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The first person you talk to on the phone may not even be the person with whom you

set up a payment plan. The creditor may take as little as $20 monthly, but remember

about minimum payments—your goal is to pay off these creditors, not to extend your

payment plans indefinitely. Some of my clients feel that when they were honest with the

creditors about the fact that they were working on their recovery from gambling, the

credit company responded more favorably to their debtors because of their honorable

and conscientious intentions.

• Phone calls are effective means of communication to and with credit companies, just

as long as you follow through, and pay as you said you would.

• When you call your creditors up directly and personally, and take responsibility for

your actions, honesty will help open communication and negotiation to resolve the debt.

Doing this constitutes a BIG step in your full recovery.

• This is how your addiction and financial/money issues don’t run you. You take control

and run your own life. It will get better over time.

• The creditors like it if you reach out and seem to be trying to work on the debt. You

will find that they will respond better to you when you are “up-front” and honest with

them, so that they don’t have to “chase” you down.

his is how your addiction and financial/money

issues don’t run you. You take control and run

your own life. It will get better over time.

When calling creditors,

be assertive, but practice

a few times first, for they

settling your previously-

unaddressed debt easy for you. Also, don’t call all of them in one day... space them out,

so that the effort is not so overwhelming, or even emotionally exhausting, for you. If

there is someone you trust to help you, have them be there with you for moral support.

Take your personal financial power back!—And face your own personal guilt and

shame, thereby permanently cleansing your will and your soul... then recovery will be

complete for you.

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Keep Track of Your Spending Daily

Month

Day What did you spend your money on? $

Bought dish soap and Windex 4.57

Make copies of this sheet for at least several more months. Keeping long-range

track of your expenses in this manner can give you a good indication of what you have

been spending money on regularly, and can also help you to observe your spending

patterns more accurately, and perhaps even, more thoughtfully. I think that you will be

amazed at your book-keeping progress, even after only two months of keeping track of

your own finances. As you progress, you should be able to spot some areas in which

you can cut back spending to help get out of debt.

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Take a moment to write about your day:

110

111

Every one of life’s challenges you make it through today

can be an opportunity for you tomorrow.

PART THREE: LIFE ISSUES

112

113

Try not to become a man of success but rather a man of value. (Albert Einstein)

Chapter 18

Values

One thing that happens not only to gamblers or addicts, but to

all of us at some point, is that we forget what our core, traditional

values are. Maybe we hadn’t even thought about values before, or

even tried to understand what a value is.

•

Webster’s dictionary definition of value is: That which is desirable or worthy

of esteem for its own sake; a thing or quality having intrinsic worth.

–Intrinsic meaning

from inside ourselves

Values are a most fundamental resource that we have to guide our lives and the life-

affecting decisions that we make. Values come from deep inside ourselves, and they make

us who we are, what we believe in, and how we act. They determine how we want to live

our lives. Values give us purpose and direction for the way we behave in this world, with

ourselves and with those around us.

During our lives we may acquire new values, or we may abandon some values that we

previously thought were important, but are no longer. This type of change can also affect

our belief systems, and we will talk about beliefs further on in the book.

Also, during our lives, we may develop a Coping Skill to help us through the difficult

times that life too often brings us. These Coping Skills can have such a hold on us that they

end up turning into an addiction. We think that we cannot survive without this new Coping

Skill, whether it be gambling, overeating, drugs, alcohol, or sex addiction. When this hap-

pens, the addictive tendency immediately goes against our value system, so, in order to

continue the addiction, we drop our values. After a while, we have forgotten what our values

were in the first place, and why they were so important to us. Values are what help us make

the right choices in life. Some of our values we have formulated at a very young age, and

most probably were influenced by parents and other elders, in our lives. This type of values

is called Core Values.

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There are four basic core values that help us make the right choices, and helps

us maintain a responsible lifestyle:

Tolerance:

This value has much to do with respecting the beliefs, opinions, and behaviors of

others, in a fundamentally non-judgmental way. This attitude of respect allows us all

to live in a free society happily with each other, and helps us all to learn and grow

from other peoples’ thoughts, ideas, and beliefs.

Honesty:

People who are truly honest value what they say and how they act towards

others, especially by never taking advantage of another human being. Honest

people are dependable, and can be trusted.

Caring:

People who are caring can understand and empathize with others’

needs, wants, feelings, and problems. It matters to caring people what

another human being is thinking or feeling. This instinctual sentiment is

completely unselfish, and caring people understand that it takes more

than just themselves to make up the diverse world in which we all live

together. Caring people fully understand that what they do always

affects others around them.

Responsibility:

Responsibility means making thoughtful and appropriate

choices, making the right choice for any given situation, both for

your own well-being and that of everyone who could be affected

by your decision. Responsibility does not justify making selfish

choices.

Think back to a time before you could have benefited from this book, before your

gambling habits took control of your life; think about what your values were.....

• Who were you then, and how are you different now?

• When did this or these value(s) change for you?

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• Why do you think the value(s) changed?

• Have you seen the four core values change for you? Why or why not?

• Does your gambling problem have anything to do with your change in value(s)?

Here is a list of some of the many human values that there are; pick the ten of

these values that you feel are most important to you:

Industry to work hard and well at life’s unlimited tasks

Pleasure to feel good

Dependability to be reliable and trustworthy

Humor to see the humorous side of myself and the world

Intimacy to share myself and feelings with others

Power to have control over others

Accuracy to be correct in my opinions and actions

Faithfulness to be loyal and reliable in relationships

Honesty to be truthful and genuine

Wealth to have everything you need, always!

Spirituality to grow spiritually

Adventure to have new and exciting experiences

Caring to take care of others

Justice to promote fair and equal treatment for all

Leisure to take time to relax and enjoy

Popularity to be well-liked by people

Beauty to enjoy my surroundings

Compassion to feel concern for others

God’s Will to seek and to obey the Will of God

Logic to live rationally and sensibly

Monogamy to have one close relationship

Risk to take necessary risks and chances

Service to help others

Self-esteem to like myself as I am

Health to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy

Acceptance to fit in with others

Complexity to have a life full of variety and change

Hope to have a positive, optimistic outlook

Loving to give love to others

Lovability to be loved by others

Stability to live a constant, stable life

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_________________________________________________________________

Pick ten:

1._____________________ 2. ______________________

3. _____________________ 4. ______________________

5._____________________ 6. ______________________

7. _____________________ 8. ______________________

6._____________________ 10. _____________________

Now choose three of these values that have been affected in some way by your

gambling... Describe how your life reflected these three values before the

gambling obsession took hold of your heart, mind, and senses, and how those

three values have changed since, in your own heart, especially. How could you

get back in touch with those three values?

1.

___________________________________________________________________

2.

___________________________________________________________________

3.

___________________________________________________________________

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117

The first time you do anything in your life, it can be difficult, intimidating, and

daunting, but it does get easier the second time you do it.

Chapter 19

Beliefs

Hyrum Smith, founder of the Galileo Initiative, developed the Galileo Reality Model,

which represents the process by which personal beliefs influence our behavior and the

results we achieve. I will now present

you a brief part of the model, and if

you like what you see, you can look

up more information about it at

www.galileoinitiative.com, or study

and work through it with a counselor

or a therapist. Try to work through the

process a couple of times yourself to

see if it works for you. If it does, that is

magical! The basic premise is a good one for understanding how your beliefs and behaviors

cause results that may or may not be good for you.

Have you ever heard that if you continue to do the same thing over and over again,

expecting different results with the same behavior, then, maybe, you should change what

you are doing? Here are some of the lessons learned from the Galileo Reality Model. After

we review these, we will walk through part of the Galileo Reality Model process.

•

If the results of your behavior do not meet your needs, then you may be taking

an ineffective course of action.

•

Results take time to measure.

•

Growth is the process of changing beliefs.

•

Destructive behavior is the result of deep, unmet needs.

•

If your self-worth is dependent only on external feedback, you are missing

something.

•

When the results of your behavior DO meet your needs over time, then alone

will you experience peace.

... if you continue to do the same thing

over and over again, expecting different

results with the same behavior, then,

maybe, you should change what you

are doing...

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Here is how to walk through the Galileo Reality Model:

1. Identify a behavior of yours that you would like to change.

2. Identify possible beliefs that support the behavior you want to change.

3. Predict your possible future behavior, based on those beliefs.

4. Identify other beliefs that might produce the results you want.

5. Predict possible future behavior based on the new beliefs.

I have found that you can work through this process from any starting point. It may be

easier if you start with the results, and work backward. Always remember will it work long

term or short term? We want things to work over the long term.

Example:

•

Belief:

Notes:

“Gambling wins me free money.”

•

If/Then:

“If gambling wins me free money, then I will definitely be able win back today

the money that I lost by gambling yesterday, so that I can get myself out of

‘the hole.’”

•

Behavior:

“I go and gamble.”

•

Results:

“I not only lost the money I took with me today, but I didn’t win back my losses

from yesterday, and now I can’t pay my rent/mortgage.”

If then Behavior Results

Beliefs

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Now, from above, let’s work through the process:



Identify a belief you would like to change:

Gambling wins me free money.

Your belief? ________________________________________________

1. Identify possible beliefs that support your behavior.

I won before.

I am due to win.

I am feeling lucky today.

Other beliefs that support your behavior: __________________________

2. Predict future behavior based on those beliefs.

I will continue to lose.

I will need to borrow money from someone.

I will need to write a bad check to pay the rent/mortgage. (Illegal act)

Predict future behavior: _______________________________________

___________________________________________________________

3. Identify other beliefs that might produce the results you want.

You never win anything for free.

I can make the money at my job to pay the rent/mortgage.

You lose more than you win gambling.

What beliefs might produce better results? ________________________

___________________________________________________________

4. Predict future behavior based on the new beliefs.

I won’t lose the money for rent/mortgage because I won’t gamble to get it.

I will be saving money when I don’t gamble to take my family on a vacation.

Future behavior: _____________________________________________

This process can work in any area of your life. Whenever you are not getting the results

you want, check and see why not. What are your beliefs about the issue you are working

on? Are you having difficulty with a relationship, for example? Could you have beliefs that

were handed to you by some authority figure when you were young, and which do not work

for you today? Work it through with the Galileo Reality model.

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O

Everything that you experience, both good and bad, can give you new eyes

in

which to see yourself and your place in the world.

Chapter 20

Feelings and Emotions

One of the root causes of addiction of any kind is repressing feelings and emotions. We

may have learned to do this, growing up in emotionally unhealthy families which did not

allow us to express how we were feeling, or to show our emotions. This type of repression

can be taught to us both verbally and non-verbally, in ways that we don’t even realize. You

may know the old sayings, “Big boys don’t cry,” or “Buck up, and quit your whining.” Maybe

our parents never showed any deep emotion in front of us during childhood, or maybe they

didn’t cry in front of others, or argue (but in a healthy manner). So how could we learn to

handle our feelings or emo-

tions in a healthy manner?

ne of the reasons we escape to an addiction

is because we have shoved down our

feelings and emotions for so long that they rise

back up to the top. We find that the only way to

release them (besides exploding) is to “escape”

or “numb out” into our addiction.

In recovery, we find that

to an addiction is because we

have shoved down our feel-

ings and emotions for so long

that they rise back up to the

top. We find that the only way

to release them (besides exploding) is to “escape” or “numb out” into our addiction. Gam-

bling is a great way not to feel your feelings.

Be aware that as you progress in your recovery, you will have many feelings and emo-

tions rising to the top. This is perfectly healthy; it shows that you are on the right track. Be

careful not to overwhelm yourself with these feelings and emotions, for if you do, it may

bring on a relapse.

This section will help you to identify your feelings and emotions in order to deal with

them in a healthy way. Don’t forget that one of your coping skills for this in the past was

gambling. You take that coping skill (gambling) away, and you may feel everything unpleas-

ant magnified by 10x. This can bring on anxiety, and can aggravate the stress caused from

withdrawals.

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We have basic feelings like: We have complex feelings like:

Anger Anxiety

Fear Disappointment

Happiness Passion

Resentment Depression

Hope Frustration

Shame Impulsiveness

Self-Pity Insecurity

Guilt

1. Identify your feelings:

When you feel something you are uncomfortable with, stop and breathe.

Take a minute to ask yourself:



“What am I feeling right now?”



“Why am I feeling this way?”



“What is the basic feeling, and what is the complex feeling?”



“What emotion am I feeling at this time?”

2. Learn to express your feelings:

When you feel a strong emotion, it can become very “charged.” You need to stay

in touch at this point so that you don’t express that emotion in a negative or

harmful way, to yourself or to someone else.

Example: Basic—Anger Complex—Disappointment

You can learn how to communicate your anger or disappointed feelings by

changing how you express them. If you currently express them in an aggressive

way, what are the usual results? If you would express them in an assertive, but

gentle way, would you get better results for you and others around you?

3. Learn to communicate your feelings:



Speak in an assertive, but gentle way.

Assertive means: To speak freely to others without hostility. Everyone has a

right to have their opinion, and the right to share it without stepping on other

people’s right to speak.

• Take responsibility for your feelings, for they are yours and no one else’s.

• No one can make you feel angry, that is always your choice.

• No one can make you feel any particular feeling, it is always your choice.

Example: Use “I” statements: “I feel _____ when you ______.

I would prefer it if you __________.

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

Identify your feeling first:

“I feel angry and disappointed when you don’t ask my opinion.

I would prefer it if you asked for my input on family matters.”

(We will learn more about relationships and communication later in the book.)

Another way to deal with your feelings and emotions is to tap into your

self-talk. Is it positive or negative for the situation? If it is negative,your

feelings and emotions may build to a very uncomfortable “boiling point,”

and you may react more negatively than if you had used positive self-talk.

Example:

• Negative: “I am so angry right now that I need to go gamble, and just get

away from it all.”

• Positive: “I am feeling angry right now. Why am I feeling this way?

I will wait until the feeling passes, and explore what is going on within me,

and deal with my emotions in a positive way.”

Circle the feeling words you have felt most often

before

gambling out of control:

Feeling Words

encouraged skeptical distrustful afraid

envious unhappy contented sorry

fearful depressed resentful unbelieving

humble immobilized wishy-washy loving

intrigued isolated earnest playful

relaxed melancholy irritated suspicious

torn paralyzed tender apprehensive

excited distressed heavy-hearted satisfied

anxious terrified jealous evasive

bitter loyal determined curious

impulsive confused flat worthless

worried lonely excited generous

sympathetic disappointed stretched empty

tired impatient alive pressured

scared aggressive proud useless

lethargic regretful relieved sad

guilty angry fearful happy

hopeful ashamed self-pitying serene

obstinate exhausted indifferent bored

grateful moody spirited frustrated

Put an X next to the words that best describe your feelings

after

gambling

out of control.

123

List four words that best describe your feelings before gambling out of control.

1. ____________________ 2. _______________________

3. ____________________ 4. _______________________

List four words that best describe your feelings after gambling out of control.

1. ____________________ 2. _______________________

3. ____________________ 4. _______________________

How were your feelings before you developed the gambling problem different from what

they are now?

Why?

Explain a time when you felt hopeful:

Explain a time when you felt guilty:

Explain a time when you felt angry:

Explain a time when you felt sad:

Explain a time when you felt resentful:

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__

Explain a time when you felt happy:

As I said before, repressing one’s feelings can cause an emotional overreaction,

both physically and emotionally, and can lead to a relapse. Here is an exercise to help

you explore your feelings further:

Feelings That are Hard for Me to Share Feelings I Have no Problem Sharing

What is the hardest feeling for you to share? _______________________________

What happens when you share this feeling? _________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

Physical reactions? ____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

Emotional reactions? ___________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

What are the barriers you face to sharing this feeling? _________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

What do you think is the worst thing that would happen as a result of you sharing this

feeling with someone you trust?

_____________________________________________________________________

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I am aware of my changing moods, and make allowances for them.

Chapter 21

Explore the Real You

Next, I want you to find out who you think you are. Crazy question, huh?

This worksheet is based on a book called Looking Out/Looking In by Ron Adler

and Neil Towne. Here are some descriptive words for you to choose from to explore who

you are. Remember that you have some good characteristics, and they are still there, you

just need to find them again. This worksheet can tell a lot about what you think about your-

self before gambling, after gambling, and how others see you.

As you read through this list, place a checkmark next to the ones that you feel

describe you. Then put a star next to the one you feel best describes you.

accommodating creative hopeful radical

aggressive curious humble reasonable

aloof cute humorous reckless

angry cynical hyperactive religious

apathetic deliberate resentful restrained

argumentative arrogant demonstrative inconsiderate

articulate diligent industrious artistic

disciplined insensitive sarcastic assertive

dishonest intelligent self-controlled athletic

dominating intense attentive introverted

dynamic selfish attractive sensitive

average eclectic kind serious

effective short bad efficient

lean shy beautiful empathetic

lively simple bitter enchanting

loving skeptical bold energetic

loyal smart brash engaging

sober bright enthusiastic mediocre

spirited bubbly evil muscular

stable exciting mystical stiff

candid exuberant strong careful

natural successful cautious fair

nice suspicious charismatic faithful

cheerful fashionable opinionated talkative

chunky fat optimistic tall

colorful flirty organized thoughtful

combative forgiving outgoing timid

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7._________________

10.________________

_

comfortable friendly tired committed

frugal patient trustworthy competent

funny peaceful complacent pessimistic

unattractive complex generous petite

unhappy confident gentle playful

unselfish conscientious good poor

considerate greedy practical vague

controlling gregarious pretty conventional

cool prideful warm handsome

productive weak cooperative happy

wise coordinated hard-working quarrelsome

crazy honest quiet rich

Let’s start with who do you think you are? List 12 words from above that you

feel best describe who you are.

1. ________________ 2. _________________ 3. __________________

4. ________________ 5. _________________ 6. __________________

8. _________________ 9. __________________

11. ________________ 12. _________________

Now, let’s compare words that describe who you were before you started

gambling out of control to words you think describe you now.

Before Gambling

After Gambling

Example:

Reasonable Argumentative

127

Now, if you are ready to do some real work with yourself, ask someone else to pick out

words that they feel describe you best. This is very difficult to do because it may make you

feel vulnerable and open to harsh criticism. You may be pleasantly surprised; you may find

that others do not perceive you as you might think they do. You are so used to beating your

self up that you start believing your negative self-talk.

If you choose to do this exercise (good for you), sit and listen to every word they tell

you without interrupting them. This is also very hard to do. It is difficult for most people to

accept a compliment; we often want to give some excuse as to why we are not what others

are saying we are. STOP! Just accept the words, digest them and believe them to be true.

It would be disrespectful if you did not allow others to have their own opinions. This is toler-

ance, and caring from your core values.

128

S

Chapter 22

Who are You?

Part one:

Self-Worth

In addiction, when you lose connection with your values and beliefs, you

begin behaving in ways that go against these principles, as well as “who you

are,” and you can lose your self-esteem and self-worth.

Self-worth comes from the way that you treat yourself. It comes when

your behavior matches your values and beliefs. If your gambling has gotten

out of control and is interfering in many areas of your life, and if you are interacting with

others in a negative way and you didn’t used to act like that, it doesn’t feel good.

In order to have self-

worth, you must feel good

about yourself. There is a lot

failing to follow your beliefs

and value systems. This, in

elf-worth comes from the way that you treat

yourself. It comes when your behavior

matches your values and beliefs.

turn, can cause depression, which can cause a return to gambling. Sometimes we can’t tell

which came first: depression or gambling… gambling or depression.

Numerous problem gamblers have told me that they could never have imagined that

they could lie, cheat, or steal, before. They wonder “How did this happen to me?” It takes

time to get over the shock in order to look at how we got there. How did something so

socially acceptable actually change the type of person I am?

Here are some ideas to help start getting your self-worth back again:

1.

Take better care of your body

I am sure that, with all the stress caused by the problem gambling, you have not

taken care of yourself. This means that you should eat right, sleep well, and exercise. As

you get your body to feel better, so will your self-worth. I would take a guess that about 80%

When your behavior matches your values, it creates self-worth

When your behavior does not match your values, it causes shame.

129

of the human race does not like to exercise. It seems so overwhelming, and it hurts! Don’t

start big… start with some stretches in a quiet space, and then go for a walk to experience

nature. Have you been outside in awhile?—Just a little at a time. Give it two weeks, and you

will start feeling better about yourself. If you miss a day, so what?… start again tomorrow!

2.

Have realistic expectations for yourself

Rome wasn’t built in a day. Gambling is VERY impulsive, and gamblers often find that

they need instant gratification (all addictions are that way). If you set your goals too high,

you cannot succeed, and you will lose what self-worth you have rebuilt. Start small.

3.

Find what your values are

Do the value exercise in chapter 19 of this book so that you know where to start. This

can be the first building block for you to increase your sense of self-worth.

4.

Be honest with someone

It is impossible to feel good about yourself if you continue to lie and have secrets.

Find someone you trust to share your secrets with. This is where group work helps; there is

no judgment in a therapy or GA group. Everyone is there for the same reason… you are not

alone.

What lies behind us and lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Part Two:

Self-Esteem

Now that you understand that self-worth is a reflection of how you treat yourself,

self-esteem reflects how you feel about yourself. It defines how you allow yourself a sense

of self-worth, and how accepting you are of your own feelings.

There are three ways to look at the self:



Self-Ideal—Who we would like to be or become.



Self-Image—The way we see ourselves or our behavior.



Self-Esteem—How we feel about ourselves, our abilities, and our self-worth.

130

N

Our self-esteem begins to be created after birth; it is created by our environment, and

what we believe others say is true of us. Let me make that clearer. How we are raised can

shape us to have a high self-esteem or a low self-esteem. Here are some possible causes

of low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem:

Overly critical parents Parental over-protectiveness

Abusive household; Physical, Sexual, Emotional, Verbal abuse.

Addiction; alcohol or drug abuse; Significant

loss Parental Neglect Parental Rejection

Do any of these sound familiar to you? If we are told that we are worthless as a child

growing up, we believe that we are worthless, and then this becomes one of our core be-

liefs. Is this a true belief? Was it based on a true statement that we were told? Only you

can decide if this is a true belief for you, or not. If we grew up in a household that was not a

positive, nurturing influence, we may continue in our lives in a negative, self-defeating way.

egative self-talk is a self-defeating

behavior, and addiction is a self-

defeating behavior. If you feel that you

are not worthy, or if you feel unworthy,

you can’t have any self-respect for

your body or self.

Negative self-talk is a self-defeating

behavior, and addiction is a self-defeating

behavior. If you feel that you are not

have any self-respect for your body or

self.

We all have “tapes” that play

through our heads. Many of these come

from what we believed to be true about ourselves as a child, tapes like “I am fat,” “I won’t

grow up to be anything.” These tapes often play over and over in our head, and now shape

our adult lives with this negative self-talk that we learned as a child.

When you are starting to hear one of these negative tapes running, use the “Stop”

process, and turn it into something positive. A positive affirmation will help stop the negative

tape. After some practice of doing this over and over, you will see a change in your

thoughts, as well as how you see yourself as a person.

131

Let’s work through the following exercise:

Example: “I am worthless”

STOP

and Reframe

“That is not true for me anymore. I have changed, I go to work everyday, and I take

care of my animals.”

This can be anything you find yourself saying negatively about yourself. What are some

of yours? How can you change or reframe them? Reframing means to reword what is said

in another way. In this case in a more positive way.

Negative Self-Talk

Positive Affirmation

(Reframing)

PRACTICE…PRACTICE…PRACTICE

Prepare for setbacks, for when you try something once and it doesn’t work, it doesn’t

mean you are a failure. There is no such thing as failing. It is only a setback; you sit back,

regroup, and search for another approach that may work in that situation. If that doesn’t

work either, try something else until you succeed. It may be helpful to ask for help—some-

one may have a different perspective, or may have experienced the same setback, but

found a workable solution.

“You never fail until you stop trying”

(Florence Griffin Joyner)

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G

Part Three:

Self-Image

The Mask, or “Poker Face”

The last thought of self I want you to explore is something I will

call “The Mask.” This is what we all portray to others around us.

It has to do with Self-Image which is about:

a. What I want others to see.

b. How I want to see myself.

This is the “Bluff” or “Poker Face” that we use to conceal “The Hand,”

or who we think we are.

Many of us believe that we are not worthy humans, and we may feel stupid, unlovable,

weak, and defective in some way.

The image we put out there, “The

Mask,” is just a fantasy, much like our

life in gambling. Gambling is a fan-

ambling is a fantasy of the thoughts

of winning. This fantasy makes us feel

fantasy makes us feel big, important,

and loved, when we do win. It is the

fantasy of being someone other than

who we are or the fantasy to make

our reality different.

big, important, and loved, when we do win.

It is the fantasy of being someone other

than who we are or the fantasy to make

our reality different.

We can also call this our “poker face,” or “bluff,” in gambling terms. I am sure that every-

one will understand that example! This feeling is only temporary, because after we lose, we

have to put up our mask again, because we really feel bad inside.

What is it behind the mask that we can’t show the world? That we aren’t perfect? Who

is? That we compare ourselves to others? How do you know they don’t have a mask up,

too? It is good to be a genuine person (without hurting others), and to be true to ourselves,

for we all have our strengths and weaknesses. Find your strengths, and nurture them to

grow until you can put the mask down.

To help change your negative tapes, refer to the Tools section of this book, and use the

tool to write positive affirmations (statements) about yourself, and tape them to the wall,

refrigerator, or bathroom mirror. Reading these affirmations everyday will help the change

come quicker.

133

How Do You Feel About Your Gambling Today?

(AADAC 1996)

You will be asked this question throughout the recovery process and this book.

This will help you to stay in touch with your feelings. By checking in with yourself regularly,

the thoughts and feelings that lead to relapse will not hit you blindly.

Check the box that most closely states how you feel today.



Denial/Minimizing—“It’s not that bad, what’s the big deal?”



Bargaining—“I’ll only go two times a week,” or “I will pay you back.”



Hope—Genuine hopefulness: “I hope to win this time.” Or “I hope to quit this time.”



Sadness—Reality sets in: “I have made some bad choices.” “I have hurt others.”



Guilt/Shame—“How could I have let myself do this again? I even stole money.”



Anger—General or specific, at others, at yourself, or at the gambling itself.



Acceptance—“I need help, I can’t do this myself,” or “I can’t stop myself.”



Optimism—“I think I can quit, I am feeling more confident everyday, I feel good.”



Contentment—“There are other things to do besides gambling, I can fight this.”

After completing this small checklist, look back at the last time you filled it out.

(Refer to page 68)

What is different?

Why do you think it is different?

Do you notice any patterns in your answers?

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W

When you’re the victim of the behavior, it is black and white; when you’re the

perpetrator, there are a million shades of gray. (Dr. Laura Schlesinger)

Chapter 23

Family

When you think of your family, it may be of your mother and father and siblings, or it

may be of your husband or wife, and children. You can refer to both of these types of fami-

lies if they both apply. When you think of family and addiction, the addict is not the only one

that needs help. Any family unit is permanently changed when an addiction enters the

house. The family at first doesn’t understand what is happening, because of the secret

world of the addict. They soon find themselves part of keeping the secret as well. They also

may keep their opinions to themselves because they don’t want to upset the addict and

start a fight.

Family members may become enablers to the addict, knowingly or unknowingly, to

keep the family going, and together. This could be part of the family system of denial. After

awhile, this new way of living

becomes “normal” and comfort-

hen you think of family and addiction,

the addict is not the only one that

needs help. Any family unit is permanently

changed when an addiction enters the house.

able. The thought of change

and actually going through the

change of recovery is very

difficult for all involved. Change

is not just about the gambler, it

is about everyone in the family unit. It can be more painful at first for everyone involved, until

you have time to work through many issues that have been effected by the addictive behavior.

Trust is the biggest issue to work on in the recovery process. The family members have

heard the gambler (addict) make so many promises that are broken that the trust is gone.

Results will be seen by change in behavior, not with words and promises. Full recovery

doesn’t happen overnight. It is difficult for the gambler (addict) to wait as long as it takes for

the family to accept change. The gambler feels that, since he has decided to quit, why can’t

everyone just understand that, and back off? It doesn’t work that way. Rebuilding trust may

take months or years, or it may never happen, because the trust may have been broken too

many times.

One of the most influential actions you can take for your children is to be honest about

your problem (under reasonable conditions), and to be a good role model. When a child

sees a parent being honest, taking responsibility, and working hard to quit an addiction,

they will have higher self-esteem, more respect for you, and a “can do” attitude. This will

help them if they find themselves with a similar problem later on down the road.

135

Children grow up according to what feels normal to them. This means that, if gambling

had been a tradition growing up together as a family unit, it will be carried on in future

generations. If there is a predisposition or tendency for addiction in the family biologically,

that will also carry on in future generations.

Most gambling treatment agencies, and any counselor or therapist, can

help with recovery for the family members; or, look for a GamAnon in your area.

1. List 10 ways your gambling behavior has harmed your family:

Let’s talk about family roles in a dysfunctional family unit. There are generally six

roles family members may assume just for their own survival. These roles become who we

are, and they shape our personality. I think that when you explore these roles, and if you

have been involved in a dysfunctional family that has an addicted member, you will be able

to identify these roles.

1.

Person with Addiction Problems:

In this case, we are talking about any addiction, whether it be gambling, alcoholism,

drug abuse, sex, overeating, etc. These types of addicts can show certain behaviors, like

being: aggressive, secretive, unaccountable, non-responsive, charming, irresponsible,

blaming, and grandiose. They have low self-worth. Gamblers especially have high ego and

low self-esteem, hence the grandiosity. They often feel inferior on the inside, but act like a

big shot on the outside. They feel a lot of shame, guilt, and worthlessness. They need to be

loved, accepted, confronted, and supported.

2.

The Enabler:

The enabler may feel very responsible, and may even act “the Martyr.” He or she may

feel powerless, but will do anything to smooth things out with the addict. They are fragile

and manipulative because they have to be. They are angry and tired, and wonder if it is

their fault, or if they are responsible for the way the addict is behaving. They need support,

to be heard, to receive positive self-care, and achieve a positive confrontation, to stop

enabling the addict.

136

3.

The Hero:

Independent, helpful, successful, runs the family, seeks approval of the rest of the

family. They will be the ones to excel at anything they do, for acceptance and a feeling of

normalcy in the family. This distracts from the problems. They really feel inadequate, and

that they can’t do anything “good enough,” so they try harder. They may need to take risks

just to “feel something.”

4.

The Scapegoat:

This is the one in the family who is picked out to get into trouble, and so they will.

Negative attention is still attention. They act out, are defiant, sullen, blaming, and may use

drugs and alcohol, or smoke tobacco. They are lonely, they don’t feel a part of the family

unit, and are hurt at not being heard. They need to be listened to, accepted for the good

things they do, and confronted and supported positively.

5.

The Lost Child:

These folks are just how it sounds. They are the quiet ones out there alone. They

have an excellent imagination, and don’t need anyone else to interact with. They are with-

drawn from others, and no one notices them. They have a lot of anger, and feel very lonely,

even though they seem to do well alone. They need to be invited in to interact with others,

and to be given encouragement and compliments.

6.

The Mascot:

This is the “clown” of the family. They are the ones who try to distract all the negativ-

ity with their humor or “acting out.” They are a good distraction for the dysfunctional family.

They fear not belonging to the family unit or to any other groups. By acting the clown, they

are invited into these groups, even at their own expense. They need to be included and

taken seriously.

These roles can apply to anyone in the family, and can change as time and the effects

of the dysfunction change. Each family member takes on these roles in order to lessen

stress for themselves and for the family unit. You will find as you enter into recovery that it

may not be easy for others to change with you. In fact, they may sabotage you unknowingly,

because the way they and the family have been living has become comfortable to them.

Change is uncomfortable, and the relationships may get worse before they get better,

depending on the level of dysfunction.

137

Take a look at your family unit:

If there was addiction and family dysfunction in your life while growing up, let’s explore

that. If not, let’s explore your family currently, say, your partner and children.

1. Who is the Addicted person? How did that person interact with the family?

2. Who is the Enabler? How did that person interact with the family and addict?

3. Who is the Hero? How did that person interact with the family and addict?

4. Who is the Scapegoat? How did that person interact with the family and addict?

5. Who is the lost Child? How did that person interact with the family and addict?

6. Who is the Mascot? How did that person interact with the family and addict?

138

A

Enabling

We need to explore enabling, because every addict has one in their life. An enabler is

someone who shields the addict from feeling, or having to deal with, the negative conse-

quences that result from their addictive behavior. The enabler will lie to him/herself, the

addict and others, about the severity of the problem, which minimizes the problem behavior.

The enabler works very hard to make sure the family and the gambler look good.

The enabler may be in collusion with the gambler. This means that they may be just as

involved in the negative behavior by gambling with them. If they gamble together they may

think; “it must not be that bad,” or they think that they can keep control of the gambler. Or, it

could be that the enabler

has an addiction to some-

thing else, like alcohol, and

so they will cover for each

other. If they say anything,

they will have to change

their behavior also.

The enablers may be in

denial themselves; they may

n enabler is someone who shields the addict

from feeling, or having to deal with, the

negative consequences that result from their

addictive behavior. The enabler will lie to him/

herself, the addict and others, about the severity

of the problem...

use a lot of the same denial or defense mechanisms that the gambler does, to protect

themselves from the horrible truth. Because the enabler continues to be blamed, and possi-

bly take verbal or physical abuse from the addict, they may lose their own self-respect and

self-worth.

Living in a world of crises everyday, when you don’t know in what condition the gambler

will walk in the door, is difficult and very stressful, so the family cannot make any plans, and

they become isolated and scared. There are always the ups and downs, things may get

bad, and then, afterwards, there is always the promise and hope of things getting better. It

is like living on a rollercoaster.

The enabler really starts to believe that he/she is the one responsible for the behavior

of the gambler. So that person may try to change him/herself, or the environment around

them, to please the gambler, but he or she will always fail, because it is up to the gambler to

make the changes. Often, both the addict and enabler agree that the addiction is the

enabler’s fault. The enabler thinks “maybe I could have done something different to help

him/her.” The enabler will continually bail the gambler out to keep him/her out of hot water,

and to keep the gambler from becoming angry. When this is unsuccessful because the

gambler doesn’t quit gambling, the gambler may withdraw from the relationship and life. His/

her life becomes more and more unbearable, and they may feel as if there is no way out.

The best thing the gambler can do is to continue to work his or her program, and

139

improve communication with his or her family.

140

I nurture my soul by spending time with people who support and encourage me.

Chapter 24

Relationships

We have many different types of relationships in our lives, both healthy and unhealthy.

Part of the negative consequences of our addiction is that we harm, or permanently break,

otherwise healthy relationships. This occurs because we have lied, stolen, and broken

promises, and we have not been accountable or reliable in a way we should have been.

For a healthy relationship, it takes honesty, trust, openness, and mutual respect. If you

have come to the point in your gambling that you are reading this book, you may already

have seen some of your relationships crumbling.

Relationships come in all forms: work, family, friends, and acquaintances; all of these

will be touched by the problem gambling in some way. How can they not change when we

change ourselves because of the gambling?

1. What are some of your important relationships?

a. ________________________ c. _________________________

b. ________________________ d. _________________________

2. Are you trustworthy in your relationships? Why or why not?

3. Are you honest in your relationships? Why or why not?

141

4. Are you respectful in your relationships? Why or why not?

5. Are you open in your relationships? Why or why not?

6. Which relationships have been hurt by your gambling?

7. How can you begin to mend these relationships?

A few nice words or a compliment can go along way to help restore and rebuild a

damaged relationship. Start out once a week by telling your partner something nice, or

compliment them. If you have been involved in a negative relationship, this may be difficult

at first, but it will become easier with time.

Make a list of the things that you liked about your partner when you first met them.

Have them do the same, and exchange them. You don’t need to discuss these lists right

away; you can take your time to discuss them. Work on one of these at a time, within your-

self, and see how you feel.

8. What are you willing to do to improve the relationship?

9. What have people told you about how you could communicate better to improve your

relationships with them?

10. What do you think you could change in order to improve your relationships?

142

One of the greatest gifts to others is mindful communication,

speaking and listening with patience and love.

Chapter 25

Communication

One reason that our relationships suffer is that we may

lack good communication skills. We may never have learned

how to communicate in an effective way, or we may have

isolated ourselves or become angry, negative and aggressive,

because of the gambling.

In this section, we will learn the different ways of expressing ourselves, and the basics

to communication, to see how complex it really is. Let’s take a look at how you are commu-

nicating right now.

Circle on a scale of 0-10:

1. How well do you think you have been communicating in your life?

0 1 2 3 4

5

6

7

8

9 10

|

2. How well do you think you have been communicating since your gambling

got out of control?

0 1 2 3 4

5

6

7

8

9 10

|

There are four ways to express yourself:

1. In a Passive way:

Passivity—Not being able to speak or express your needs, wants, feelings,

and ideas. Allowing someone else to speak for you.

When you communicate in a passive way, you may sound apologetic, weak, and

unsure of yourself. You may not say what you really need, and you can be hurt by

this. Not being direct in what you want to say may cause others to decide for you.

Passive people end up feeling disappointed in themselves afterwards, and it may

show in anger or passive/aggressive behavior.

142

2.

In a Passive/Aggressive way:

This is a combination of passive and aggressive:

Passive/Aggressivity manifests when we don’t ask for what we need, get angry

because we didn’t get what we needed, and then have a negative reaction

because of it. This is like hurting someone indirectly without their knowing it.

This can be hurtful, dishonest, and confusing to others. This will result in

negative communication, because nothing will be resolved in this manner—

it only brings negativity to the relationship.

3.

In an Aggressive way:

Aggressive is speaking or expressing your ideas, needs, and feelings, at

the expense of others’ feeling, and needs.

Aggression can be very intimidating to others. It can dominate, humiliate, and

put down others, none of which feel good. This type of communication is more

about power and control than about sharing ideas. This is a very negative way

to communicate. You may get what you want in the moment, but you will lose

the relationship in the end.

4.

In an Assertive way:

Assertive is speaking or expressing your ideas, needs, and feelings, while

standing up for your rights. We do this without stepping on anyone else’s

feelings or rights.

This is the healthiest way to communicate with others. It is direct, honest, and it

opens up the dialogue for others to join in a positive way. This makes us feel

better about ourselves, and will build our sense of self-confidence and self-worth.

(We will talk more about assertive behavior later in the book)

Communication has three parts:

1. Speaking

2. Active Listening

3. Body Language

Each one of these parts is equally important for successful communication.

1.Speak directly and firmly with self-confidence, and with the confidence that

you have the right to speak just as anyone else does. What you have to say is

important. If it is important enough for you to say, it is important enough for the

receiver to hear. We will explore the right and wrong ways to speak in this

section.

143

__

Explain speaking in:

a. A passive way __________________________________________

b. An aggressive way ______________________________________

c. An assertive way ________________________________________

2. Listen actively!: This means to listen to everything that people have to say

before you start thinking of your response. You miss what they have to say if

you are busy preparing how to respond while they are talking.

A good listener maintains eye contact, leans forward, or stands straight in front of the

speaker. Give them your full attention; if you don’t understand something said, you can ask

open-ended questions to clarify it for you. If you don’t do this, the communication will fail,

and at the end of the conversation it is important to summarize what has been said, so you

need to listen.

Explain active listening in:

a. A passive way __________________________________________

b. An aggressive way ______________________________________

c. An assertive way ________________________________________

3. Be aware of your body language; your body language includes: eye contact,

posture, tone of voice, and how you hold your hands.

Explain your body language in:

a. A passive way __________________________________________

b. An aggressive way ______________________________________

c. An assertive way ________________________________________

144

I am a deliberate listener, pausing to reflect before responding.

Some Do’s and Don’ts in your communication:

DO

DON’T

Use proper eye contact Assume anything

Use “I” statements Use “You” statements

Watch the “space” between you Threaten

Use empathy Use communication killers

(Understanding) (Never – Always)

Pay attention Generalize

Be aware of surroundings Name calling

Be aware of timing and place Intimidation

Paraphrase Power/Control

Ask follow-up questions Cut anyone off

Ask what they want Interrupt

Actively Listen Give untimely advice

Be honest Use “if/then” Statements (Ultimatums)

Be attentive Ask why

Use appropriate self-disclosure Use negative tone of voice

Beware:

90% of communication is non-verbal

Communication Killers:

Arguing

Moralizing

Saying “You never”

Saying “You always”

Order

Criticize

Judge

Threaten

145

In communication, never assume what the person is saying to you. Giving and receiv-

ing criticism should be a healthy way of helping another person to examine themselves and

what they are doing. We may not want to hear criticism, but we need to hear it and look at it

before accepting or rejecting it.

Think about timing and place: is this a good time for either party to be talking about the

issue? Is it the right place? If not, stop the communication until you can get to a time and

place that will most enhance the exchange.

Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.

“I feel _______when you_____. I would prefer if you___________.”

Healthy “You” statements:

“When you ______(describe the situation objectively (not blaming)___ the effects

are____(specific consequences)___ I feel_________I would prefer ________.”

Saying “NO”:

a. Decide if the request is reasonable for you. Be assertive, and decide for yourself.

b. If you hesitate, listen—you may need time to decide if the request is all right for you,

or not.

c. If you can’t make your decision at that time, you have the right to tell people you

need more time.

d. If you decide you want to say no, it’s okay. It is your right to say no. Say it firmly and

confidently.

e. You don’t have to explain why you said no, but if you feel you want to, keep it brief

and simple. Don’t give people the opportunity to change your mind.

f. Don’t apologize, this may show weakness.

If you are not used to saying no, or uncomfortable when saying no, practice and use

positive self-talk: say to yourself (in the moment) “I can say no, other people have the right,

so I do, too.”

146

A

No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched. (George Jean Nathan)

Chapter 26

Anger

Anger is a natural emotion, and feeling angry is neither good or bad, per se. The emo-

tion and feeling of anger may have many other types of emotions behind it, like:

nger is how we react

to a situation or

feeling, and it is our

choice how we handle it.

assault which can be very scary. Anger is a normal part

of the human emotions, but what is more important is

how we deal with anger.

Anger is how we react to a situation or feeling, and it is our choice how we handle it. In

this section, we will explore some reasons why we are angry, how anger affects us, those

around us, and we will explore some tools to help you manage or control your anger in

order to use it in a healthy manner.

ANGER IS NOT A FEELING, IT IS A BEHAVIOR

Some people lash out in anger as a tool. Some people don’t know how to express their

anger, so they stuff it down inside themselves until it gets to the point of spilling over in a

very unhealthy way. We learn how to deal with anger initially in our family while growing up.

Think about how you were raised. Was there a lot of yelling and screaming? Slamming of

doors, verbal or physical threats? Or on the other hand, did you come from a family that

never showed any anger, so you didn’t learn how to deal with it in the proper, healthy way?

Addiction and anger work together from both of these sides. For those who use anger

as a tool, it may be used to start a fight to allow them an excuse to go out and gamble,

drink, or use. For those who don’t know how to express their anger this can build until the

exploding point that they need to escape.

When you get angry, how do you usually react?



Stuff it?



Get Violent?



Scream and yell?



Get Aggressive?



Throw things?



Slam doors?



Hit?

Fear Guilt Shame Disappointment

Frustration

Hurt

147

Anger released in a negative or harmful way can destroy relationships, lead to relapse,

violence, arrest, and possible jail time. It can cloud your judgment so that you can’t think

clearly in the moment, which can lead to poor decision-making, and cause impulsive reac-

tions.

Remember that it is your choice how to react to a situation, and only you can allow it to

make you angry. The first step is to become aware of your feelings when you are angry.

Remember back to a time recently when you were angry:

What were you feeling? Example: unfairly treated, frustrated

What were your physical reactions to the feeling? Example: shaking

What were you thinking? Example: “I wish they would just shut up.”

Anger can cause many physical problems:

Heart Problems Colitis High Blood pressure

Depression Addiction

It is possible to feel helpless, hopeless, and become depressed if you don’t know how

to release your anger in a healthy way.

ANGER BLOCKS THE AWARENESS OF

PAIN,

DISCHARGES UNCOMFORTABLE

FEELINGS,

ERASES GUILT,

AND PLACES THE BLAME FOR

PROBLEMS

ON OTHERS

148

How to look at a situation with someone else who is angry:

a. What is the problem?

b. Whose problem is it?

c. What are my feelings about it?

d. What are the possible outcomes, actions, and reactions?

e. What are the risks?

f. Am I able to resolve the angry situation?

Think of a situation when you were dealing with someone who

was angry. Here are some steps to consider in the process:

1. Pay attention to what is happening to you, both physically and

emotionally.

2. Analyze the situation and determine if it is safe for you to stay there, or if you

should leave.

3. Take a deep breath. This will calm the physical reaction that is starting to happen in

your body. Stay calm, use a calm tone of voice, and use calm, objective responses.

4. Be careful of eye-contact. Use it if it is safe to do so—you want to seem attentive,

but not aggressive, or challenging.

5. Listen… actively listen… and be patient. It may take the person some time to get to

the real reason for the anger.

6. Find the true source of the problem.

7. Ask non-threatening questions: “What do they want, how can you help?”

8. Decide on what action to take, and stick with it.

9. Sort through the issues, find the facts versus their interpretation—What is the

person saying about you? Is it true?

10. Accept and acknowledge the truth, and dismiss the untruths.

11. Respond in a calm, unemotional, matter-of-fact way to what you just heard.

12. Come up with a resolution to the problem.

13. If you cannot resolve the situation then because the situation is out of control,

set a concrete time when you can come back together to come up with the

resolution and walk away cleanly from the situation at that time.

Stop when:



It is clear that no change will occur.



Either party is losing control.



The real issue of the anger is for control, not for solving anything.

149

Now let’s talk about our own anger, not someone else’s. Anger can be thought of,

or visualized, as a cycle:

You start your day feeling pretty good, then a situation arises that pushes your buttons,

you feel the anger physically rise up in you, and as it intensifies in a negative way, you react

in a negative way. Once you have exploded verbally or physically to the situation, you can

then calm down. Sound familiar? Now let’s break it down to find out how and when to break

the cycle before it progresses to a negative reaction and you explode:

1.

Situation Arises:

a. Think about what the situation is. Is it something verbal or non-verbal?

Verbal Non-verbal

Words Put on hold on phone

Tone of voice Windshield hit by rock

Insulting or Demeaning Something borrowed and not returned

b. Is it against you personally or not?

Personal Not Personal

Insulting words used against Windshield hit by rock

you from your boss.

c. Feelings or Warning Signs:

Physical Emotional

Shoulders tense Demoralized, Frustrated

Grit teeth Valueless, Challenged

Arises

Anger

CYCLE OF

ANGER

You can be stuck in this cycle for an hour, a day, or a lifetime. It is your choice

150

This is the point where you make your choice, before you get angry. Make the

choice not to take it personally.

Check in with yourself:



“Why am I feeling this way?”



“How much control do I have over the situation?”



“How much power do I want to give the situation?”



Are these old feelings from the past that have nothing to do with the current situation?

Stop, breathe, and think about the issue at hand. Step back until you calm down,

and deal with the situation when you are not feeling so emotionally charged.

Now work through a time recently when you found yourself in this cycle:

a. Situation arises:

b. Verbal or non-verbal?

c. Personal or non-personal?

d. How are you feeling physically?

e. How are you feeling emotionally?

f. What tool can you use to stop the cycle before full-blown anger comes out?

151

I

If you are someone who has been angry

at everything for a large part of your life, seek

out help with anger management self-help or

therapy, especially if there is domestic vio-

lence involved. It is never okay to physically

t is never okay to physically hurt

someone because we choose

to be angry about something.

hurt someone because we choose to be angry about something.

Here are a few questions to help you begin to explore your anger:

a.

What do you believe happened to you in your life that was not fair?

b.

Who are you angry with?

c.

How do you show your anger?

d.

Do you punish yourself?

e.

Do you punish others in your life?

f.

How was anger dealt with in your childhood?

CONSIDER THIS: COULD YOU BE ANGRY BECAUSE

YOU ARE GRIEVING THE LOSS OF GAMBLING?

152

153

Chapter 27

Grief and Loss

Grieving is a natural process and a natural part of life. It is healthy to grieve any

losses we have in our lives, no matter how big or small, or what anyone else thinks. Only we

can know when, how, and for how long we should grieve something.

This book can only touch on the subject of grief for you; therefore, if after you have

finished this section, and it has brought up losses that might overwhelm you to deal with on

your own, please seek help from someone, whether a friend or family member, or a fellow

GA member or counselor. Some of us have stuffed our losses down deep for so long, afraid

to feel them, that once we open ourselves up to feeling them, we may feel emotionally

overwhelmed, even depressed, and unfortunately, in some tragic cases, suicidal. Do not

remain isolated in your grief, but rather, seek a sympathetic ear; and express your feelings,

no matter how much it may hurt; healing begins with sharing and openness.

We will explore the stages of grieving, the difference between grief and depression,

and what grief and loss have to do with gambling or addictions in general.

Many people with addictions may have unresolved grief that may come from many

different causes in our life; the death of a loved one is obviously a foremost cause of grief

and loss for anybody, but here are several other causes:

Loss of a job Neglect or abuse

Retirement Loss of youth

Divorce

Death of Pet

Empty nest (Children leaving home)

Any loss is a significant change for us, and if dealt with in the right way at the right

time, it can actually have a positive effect on our lives. It may teach us something about

ourselves, life, nature, or something about what or who we lost. Loss and the grief associ-

ated with it create an opportunity to grow. Addiction grows when we don’t deal with the

losses near the time they happen. Some losses occurred in childhood, and still need to be

grieved as an adult.

154

Take a moment to chart all of the significant losses in your life:

/

/ / / / / /

/

/ / / / /

/

The difference between mourning and depression:

Mourning: is how you deal with loss in a healthy way. There is a beginning and an end

to it. You will know when you have made it to the other side because you will feel a

sense of release, understanding, and calm. You no longer feel the symptoms of grief.

Maybe you have found a new perspective on life, or on the event itself.

Depression: can feel like mourning, and it can follow mourning; but if it continues for

more than two weeks, maybe you should find some help through your family doctor and

counseling. The difference between mourning and depression is that in depression you

are stuck in the sad feelings and other symptoms, whereas mourning is more natural,

healthy, and short-lived. Depression can last years, or a lifetime, but can be treated

successfully.

Loss of appetite Can’t sleep Sleep too much

Irritability Can’t concentrate Loss of interest in life

Crying Forgetfulness Restlessness

Feeling emotionally “flat” Suicidal Thoughts Escape into Addiction

Weight loss Anger

Many people don’t like to cry. Some have learned in their childhood that it is shameful

to cry. Some are afraid that if they were to start, they would never stop. Think about a time

that you have seen anyone cry, maybe an adult, or better yet, a child. The crying begins,

gets more intense, and then stops. There is a huge sense of relief afterwards, both physi-

cally and emotionally. Crying is said to have a spiritual and soulful cleansing.

Crying may be overwhelming in the beginning of the grieving process, especially right

after a serious loss, but you will usually find that it ceases eventually. However, grief may

just sneak up on you unexpectedly, and it can continue for months or years.

Grief is an ongoing process, with no particular time limit, but it can well become a

part of the mourner’s identity, or who they are. It can give one new eyes with which to view

one’s life, and one’s role in the world. Feeling and resolving grief is a big part of the search

for the meaning of life, throughout all kinds of losses, including deaths of near and dear ones.

154

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who worked with dying patients and wrote a book on

the grieving process, found these stages within the grieving process:



Denial and Isolation You may feel these as well:



Anger



Shock



Bargaining



Panic



Depression



Tears



Acceptance



Depression



Guilt



Sickness

Think about the graph you did in the beginning of this section, and then pick one

of those losses that you have not worked through yet.

• Write a letter to it. Write it as a:

Good-bye letter Sharing your anger letter

I miss you letter What I wish I had said letter

You can write whatever you want to, but be sure to express all of your feelings, and

when you are done, you can save it, or burn it, or tie it to a balloon and let it float away.

These are all ways of “Letting Go.”

Now write a good-bye letter to gambling. Write in it what it was like for you, what it

did for you, how it hurt you, etc. Many who do this say that when they re-read it, it sounds

like they had had a love affair. If this is the case, you can understand why you would grieve

the loss of the relationship with gambling. Was it like that for you? This is a letter that you

may want to keep, so that you can use it as a tool to avoid gambling in the future, by re-

reading it out loud to yourself. Share it with a loved one if you feel comfortable in doing so.

Write it here:

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I believe in the ability to make my own life. There is nothing I cannot do.

Chapter 28

Assertive Behavior

As human beings, we have certain basic rights. However, maybe we were never taught

them, or we have through the years forgotten what they were. Assertive behavior means

that you have the right as much as anyone else to these:

Personal Bill of Rights

(From The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook)

1. I have the right to ask for what I want.

2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet.

3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.

4. I have the right to change my mind.

5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.

6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.

7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it

violates my values.

8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.

9. I have the right to not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings, or

problems.

10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.

11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.

12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.

13. I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m afraid.”

156

14. I have the right to say “I don’t know.”

15. I have the right to not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.

16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.

17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.

18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.

19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.

20. I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.

21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.

22. I have the right to change and grow.

23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.

24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.

25. I have the right to be happy.



Take this whole list and post it for yourself. Or just take parts and write

them on 3”x5” cards and post around your house, in your car, and at

work. If you read through the list daily, you will eventually learn to

believe and accept it as your truth.

Take a moment to write about your day:

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T

I control my indulgences, from overspending to gambling,

because I am in control of my life.

Chapter 29

Cross-Addiction

One of my clients shared with me that they always drank beer when they gambled.

They thought for sure that they couldn’t gamble without a beer in their hand. Another told

me that they smoked like a chimney while gambling—they said that it was a lot more than

they normally smoked throughout the day. Still another client, after being in treatment for a

couple of months, and abstinent, admitted that he was drinking more than he ever had. He

decided that, after learning about cross-addiction, he had better ask for help with his drink-

ing before it got as far out of control as his gambling had been.

There are two types of cross-addiction:

a. Having a drug or alcohol dependence while having a gambling problem.

b. Starting a new dependence after quitting gambling.

I have found many gambling

addicts enter treatment for gam-

bling after quitting drinking or

abusing drugs for many years.

One gentleman said, “I have

been in recovery from drugs and

alcohol for twenty years. I have

been a part of AA for all of that

time. I had no idea that I had

switched one addiction for another.”

his “Switching” one addiction for another

is very common. This happens when you

stop one addiction and pick up another.

Many times this happens because we think

we have control of ourselves after quitting

something.

This “Switching” one addiction for another is very common. This happens when you

stop one addiction and pick up another. Many times this happens because we think we

have control of ourselves after quitting something. Some addicts quit working the program

of recovery, some didn’t even know that cross-addiction existed, and some didn’t under-

stand that once you have been addicted to one thing, you are more prone to become ad-

dicted to other things!!! Or maybe, they didn’t go deep enough in their therapy to take care

of some serious issues, and they are still trying to escape, or run, from them. Everyone

needs to have this information in order to protect themselves from another addiction sneak-

ing up on them.

Studied statistics range, but generally speaking, approximately 5% of the U.S. popula-

tion have a gambling problem. Of those already in chemical dependency treatment, my

research has shown that 34% of gamblers also had a dual-diagnosis, or cross-addiction

158

_

with drug and alcohol abuse. Generally, studies have shown that 10% to 50% of gamblers

studied are dually-diagnosed, or cross-addicted.

Interesting enough is the fact that those already having drug and/or alcohol abuse or

dependence have a higher rate of “problem gambling.” Those who have had a problem with

gambling first don’t pick up a dual-addiction at the same time, as much as the other way

around. I believe that that is because gamblers don’t want to spend their money on anything

else other than gambling. You be the judge… Is that true for you?

Do you feel that you may have a drug or alcohol problem?

Here is some information that may help you decide if you have a problem with alcohol:

Number of Drinks

Blood Alcohol Level (gm/dL)

2

.02

3 .05

4

Most

states

-

.08

-

Legal

limit

5 .11

6 .14

7

.17

8 .20

This is measured as 1.5 oz. of 86 proof liquor = a 5 oz. glass of wine = one 12 oz.

beer. This takes two hours after drinking to eliminate, per drink. The number of drinks above

refers to when the alcohol is consumed in a four-hour time period.

How

would

you

know

it if

you

did?

How

often do

you

drink

in one

week?

How often do you drink in a month?

How many drinks do you have when you do drink?

Do

you

feel

intoxicated

when

you

do drink?

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_

General Model of Addiction

Addiction is any chronic, habitual behavior that interferes with

one’s ability to function normally.

This list can refer to any self-destructive behaviors, such as: problem

gambling, overeating, sex addiction, drug abuse, alcoholism, uncontrolled spending,

smoking, sugar and caffeine dependency and abuse, etc.:

• The activity initially provides pleasure, or relief from stress and pain.

• We use the activity in a manner, or to an extent, that it has some harmful consequences.

• We continue use despite adverse consequences.

• Withdrawal—We feel worse when we stop.

• We begin to deny, rationalize, and minimize consequences.

• Loss of control, and more denial.

• Failed attempts to stop or control abuse.

• Tolerance—Need more to get the same effect (larger bets, more gambling).

• We may no longer enjoy the activity, but need to do it to feel “normal.”

• Preoccupation

• Craving

• You continue to hit bottom.

• The definition includes a tendency toward relapse.

• The severity of symptoms is progressive.

• “Centrality”—We increasingly center our lives on the activity.

Do any of these sound familiar to you?

Yes

No

If yes, which ones? _____________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

What is the substance or action that you are thinking of above?

Example: alcohol or caffeine.

______________________________________________________________

160

Addiction:

Gambling vs. Drug and Alcohol

Similarities

Differences

Loss of control Hidden addiction

Denial

Can’t overdose—no saturation point

Similar highs Perceptions (social acceptance)

Depression and mood swings Huge financial problems

Chasing Can function at work

First high (win) remembered Can’t be tested

Blackouts/Brownouts Doesn’t require ingestion

Use as an escape Fewer resources available

Preoccupation

Tolerance

Withdrawal

Low self-esteem and high ego

Use of rituals

Gambling affects the same part of the brain with hormones that drugs and

alcohol do (exactly as cocaine):



Serotonin



Dopamine



Noradrenergic

Here are some general estimates of substance abuse in problem gamblers:



17%—Drug abuse



50%—Alcohol abuse



7%—Gambling, drugs, and alcohol

161



J. A. Ewing came up with an assessment called “the cage.”

It is quick and easy to assess whether you may have a problem

with drugs or alcohol.

C A G E

C

ut Down—

A

nnoyed—

G

uilty—

E

ye Opener

questionnaire:

Has anyone ever suggested that you should cut down on your

drinking or drug use?

Do you ever become annoyed by other people’s comments

about your drinking or drug use?

Have you ever felt guilty about your drinking or drug abuse?

—

Do you ever need to use drugs or alcohol in the morning

to get yourself going?

Two or more affirmative answers indicate a strong likelihood that

dependence is present, and that further assessment is necessary.

1.

Ty pes of drinking patterns:

• Social Drinking—no problem; doesn’t drink every day, and only 2-4 drinks.

• Careless Drinking—minor problems.

• Problem Drinking—causes repeated life problems, not physically addicted

but drinks to relieve stress daily.

• Alcoholism—Loss of control regarding frequency, amount, and duration

of consumption.

2.

Ty pes of alcoholism:

• Maintenance Alcoholic-non addicted:

Early stages of alcoholism when still young. They don’t drink in the morning,

and are emotionally addicted, not physically addicted.

• Maintenance Addicted Alcoholic:

Physically addicted to the alcohol; seldom looks drunk, but has to keep a steady

level of alcohol in his/her body so as not to withdraw.

• Weekend Alcoholic:

Not physically addicted. Drinks to the point of drunkenness, and loses control

on weekends. Seldom drinks during the week, but “celebrates” holidays

and vacations. Responsible in his life and job.

162

• Alcoholic:

Physically addicted to alcohol. Drinks to intoxication daily, and has lost

everything. This is the homeless person you see living on the streets.

Very small percentage of alcoholics.

• Binge Alcoholic:

Periods of heavy drinking followed by periods of abstinence. These can last for

days, weeks, or months. Severe negative consequences and loss of control.

• 5:00 pm drinker:

Drinks only when they get off work to “relax,” and drinks large amounts.

Drink every night and on weekends and holidays. Has become emotionally

dependent on alcohol. Can’t relax without it.

Interesting “Tidbits” that may or may not shock you:



Gamblers are often trying to recapture the high of the first “big win,” not

the same as, but most similar to, cocaine addicts “chasing” their first high.



Gambling is extremely difficult to abstain from, most similar to quitting

smoking cigarettes.



For some gamblers, the high is probably most similar to the excitement of speed,

cocaine, and sex addiction. For others, it is like a numbing, or escape, similar to the

effect of a valium, or other relaxing medications.



Similar to other addictive people, gamblers come from families with a high rate of

dysfunction, such as alcoholism, general trauma, domestic violence, and emotional,

verbal, and sexual abuse.



Gamblers are usually more isolated than drug and alcohol addicts. It is an addiction

acted out mostly alone. You don’t even want anyone else to talk to you while you are in

your gambling state. Obviously, other gamblers are competition.



All addicts, including gamblers, live in a fantasy world, with much denial.



For gamblers in recovery, withdrawals, cravings, and impulses to gamble tend to be

much longer and stronger than similar cravings in alcoholics and drug addicts in

recovery.



It is extremely difficult to avoid triggers with gambling, as compared to drug and

alcohol addicts. Pay attention to how many times you see signs, billboards, TV

163

commercials, TV shows, and radio announcements, advertising gambling. They are all

inviting you to win something for nothing.



Withdrawal is most closely related to a mild heroin withdrawal.



With all addictions, it usually takes a year before you are really ready to deal with

the underlying issues that support your addiction.



Problem gamblers typically become involved in criminal activity earlier in their lives

than alcoholics or drug addicts do (writing bad checks, stealing money, using other

people’s credit cards, ATM cards, signing up for credit cards in other people’s names,

embezzling from their jobs, and using checks without consent).



There is something called Post-Acute Withdrawal (PAW), and it says that you will

feel the symptoms of withdrawal off and on for up to two years after ceasing gambling.

So, if you are going along well in your recovery, and “out of the blue,” you feel

depressed or confused, you can’t concentrate, are clumsy, irritable, and angry, consider

PAW. Acknowledge it, and ride through it until it is gone. Be careful of relapse during

this time.

164

The powerful force within me is always at work,

regardless of what I call it—higher power,

higher spirit, guardian angel,

collective intelligence of the universe,

or God.

Chapter 30

Support

When starting into recovery, it is very important to surround

yourself with a positive support group. It is up to you to put to-

gether your own “team” of support. This can be family, friends, your

church, people you were in treatment with, and outside support

groups, like Gamblers Anonymous. If you cannot find a GA group in

your area, you can go online and find information about them at

www.gamblersanonymous.org.

The only requirement for GA membership is a desire to stop

gambling. Some members use GA as a support group, and to work the

Twelve Steps, and others do not. Some use GA to find a sponsor to

give them added support, and to walk through the Twelve Steps with

them.

Sponsorship works for some, but maybe not for others. A sponsor

is someone who has some significant amount of clean time from

gambling, an “older” member of GA. There are many types of spon-

sors. Some are more intense than others, some will want to stay in touch with you daily,

others not. Some will have you work the steps right away, and others not. You will need to

take your time, and get to know the sponsor you may choose, before you choose them. If

you find that the one you have chosen is not the right “fit” for you, it is okay to find someone

else. If you find GA and sponsorship to be the right “fit” for you, your sponsor can be very

helpful to your recovery.

If you cannot find a GA meeting in your area, go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

You can still follow the Twelve Steps if you choose, and get some personal support, too. As I

stated in the beginning of this book, those who attend treatment and GA have a much

higher chance of staying in recovery. This includes aftercare and GA for the rest of your life,

if that is what it takes for you to remain abstinent.

GA is about carrying the message of recovery to the compulsive gamblers

who want and request help to not place that first bet.

165

I would like to explore Gamblers Anonymous with you in this section. When doing

groups at Emergence, I recommend that my clients go to at least three meetings to see if it

was something that might work for them. I would suggest the same for you. I understand

some people’s feelings that GA is about God, and some of you may not agree with that

notion. I would like to clarify what GA is and how it works and share the Twelve Steps with

you.

GA and AA are not religions. They are more about spirituality, and your “higher power”

can be anything you want it to be. Religion is a type of formal structure where people prac-

tice their faith with others who share the same faith, and this place has rules and doctrines

to follow.

When we talk about a power greater than ourselves, it can be God for some, but for

others it can be nature or your inner strength (your power within),—anything that gives you

the strength and support you need to stay in recovery. It is a concept of something helping

us through each day, “one day at a time,” to remain on the new path we have chosen.

You have worked very hard to make changes in order to get to this point, so don’t let

yourself down by thinking you have it “licked,” and can handle it on your own now. Many

addicts have tried to “get clean,” and many have returned to gambling. When attending GA

meetings, find someone with some “clean” time behind them, and speak with them about

their being your sponsor or mentor. It is good to make one strong connection that you can

rely on when in need. You can usually call your sponsor or mentor at anytime for support.

They can also help you work through and understand the Twelve Step process.

GA may not be for everyone, but give it just three tries and see for yourself.

“Working the steps is not a magic wand. When you’re done working them,

you’re not cured. I raced through them, hoping to be ‘cured’...

the Step Twelve brought me back to reality.

I will be working the steps the rest of my life.”

(Compulsive gambler in recovery)

166

The 12 Steps

(GA International)

1. We admitted that we were powerless over gambling…that our lives had

become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to a

normal way of thinking and living.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of this power

of our own understanding.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our

wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have these defects of character removed.

7. Humbly asked God (of our understanding) to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make

amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when

to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly

admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact

with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of His Will

for us, and the power to carry that out.

12. Having made an effort to practice these principles in all our affairs,

we tried to carry this message to other compulsive gamblers.

Admitting you were powerless over gambling is a hard thing to admit and accept.

None of us want to believe that something had more control over us than we did over

ourselves. It feels like a failure, but it is not. It is a disease and addiction that is very strong

and powerful—powerful enough to get us to do things we never thought we would do.

At what point did you realize that you were powerless over gambling?

__________________________________________________________________

167

_

Describe how your gambling changed over time: ___________________________

___________________________________________________________________

How has gambling had a negative impact on your life, career, and family?

___________________________________________________________________

Give two examples of when you felt bad after gambling:

1. ______________________________________________________________

2. ______________________________________________________________

Have you ever not spent money on necessary items because you wanted the money to

gamble? When and on what did you not spend the money?

___________________________________________________________________

Describe how gambling has had an effect on you physically. __________________

___________________________________________________________________

Have you ever considered hurting yourself or taking your life because of gambling? Did

you have a plan?

___________________________________________________________________

(If you feel this way now or in the future, please ask for help.)

168

________________________________________________________________

__

I Have a Dream

I have a dream

That one day I

Will know the true meaning

Of my life.

I have a dream

That someday

We can all set the beast we call

Addiction aside—

But keep it to remind us of the hurt

That it has done.

I have a dream

That I know when I am down

And out

God will find someone to pick me up.

I have a dream

That God will give me the strength

And will, to help those in need

Of help and understanding.

(Bill O., Gambler in Recovery)

In what ways has your life become unmanageable?

Emotionally Spiritually Family and Friends Finances

Physically Illegal Behavior

What would your idea of a “higher power” be? ____________________________

________________________________________________________________

Do you believe that GA could be of help and support for you? ______________

________________________________________________________________

169

___

__

_____________________________________________________________________________________

After attending three GA meetings, how has your perception of GA changed?

_______________________________________________________________

Step four is about taking a moral inventory, and this takes a lot of courage.

It is not easy to look at ourselves in such depth—especially the parts we don’t like about

ourselves, or about who we have become since our loss of control with gambling. Here are

some examples of what are considered to be character defects:

• Self-centered

• Irresponsible

• Loss of self-worth

• False Pride

• Self-Pity

• Dishonesty

• Loss of humility

The eighth and ninth steps can be very difficult to do, also, especially, in

making amends to those you have harmed while in your gambling addiction.

This takes a lot of courage, also. This shows your level of commitment to quitting gambling,

and you should be proud of yourself for getting this far. While in the grips of addiction, we

don’t know or care whom we hurt along the way.

It is difficult at first to admit that we did hurt anybody; and then to go and speak with

these people leaves us with a feeling of vulnerability. “These people” can include family,

friends, or co-workers that you lied to, borrowed money from without repaying, or people

from whom you stole money.

Who

would

be

on

your

list?

Would

speaking with them be difficult

for

you?

Why

or

why

not?

What

do

you

expect

their

reaction

to

be?

______________________________

________________________________________________________________

170

When you hear “take it one day at a time,” take it at face value. Say to yourself, “I

will not gamble today.” Follow a ritual of taking your inventory daily, and if you find that

you have hurt someone or shown some wrong behavior, accept it, take responsibility for

it, and admit and amend it.

“Everyone in recovery shares at least two things:

the day they quit gambling, and today;

...the days in between are important,...

—but only history.”

(Compulsive gambler in recovery)

Serenity Prayer

(GA International)

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

What are some things you don’t have control over to change?

________________________________________________________________

What do you have the control to change?

________________________________________________________________

171

W

Breathe in fresh calming air, breathe out the toxins in your body and feel inner peace.

Chapter 31

Relaxation

If you have ever tried to stop gambling in the past, or are trying right

now, you will understand when I say that it is stressful. Withdrawals them-

selves can cause symptoms like anger, irritability, anxiety, depression, or

grief and loss. All of this is uncomfortable. The reason that we were gam-

bling in the first place may have been to escape something, or to relieve

stress... and here it is back again!

I had a client one time who didn’t come into treatment angry, and who seemed to be

dealing with his withdrawals just fine, until about three months later, and I saw a change in

his behavior. I confronted him by

asking what was going on, and why

the behavior change? It took some

time, but he admitted to having

continued gambling for the last three

months. This is when the change

happened. He said that he couldn’t

think straight, sleep, or relax, and he

felt like he was ready to jump out of

his skin. He was treating people

around him terribly, snapping at

ithdrawals themselves can cause

symptoms like anger, irritability,

anxiety, depression, or grief and loss. All

of this is uncomfortable. The reason that

we were gambling in the first place may

have been to escape something, or to

relieve stress... and here it is back again!

them, and having no patience. I explained that this was very typical for beginning withdraw-

als. I shared the idea of relaxation and healthy leisure activities. He hated the idea.

It’s funny, when I was running a men’s group of twenty men, and I came in with soft

light and calming music, they knew immediately what was about to happen “to them!”

(women react this way, too). They seemed to immediately “stiffen” up in their chairs, and

boy, did they moan! By the time I was done with them, they could barely open their eyes,

and were totally relaxed!

I tell you this story in hopes that you will understand how important it is to relax in

recovery. That means physically and emotionally……calm. I will walk through some relax-

ation techniques, and you can do them yourself, but it is better if someone can do it with

you.

172



First let’s explore what is stressful to you now:

What do you consider the most stressful area in your life?

________________________________________________________________

What is the second most stressful area in your life?

________________________________________________________________

Did you have this stress:

Before problem gambling?

During problem gambling?

While going through withdrawals?



One thing to explore first is, “where are you feeling this stress?” There are

three ways of experiencing stress:

• In your thinking

• Stress around you—your environment

• In your physical body



Once you decide where you are feeling or getting the stress from, you can

then take action to calm it. Here are some options to explore:

Breathing exercises Physical exercise Visualization

Recognizing irrational thinking and “stopping” it Massage

Rake Relaxation tapes Progressive relaxation

If you think that you can’t afford a massage, then I want to say to you that you

would have had no problem dropping $100 gambling, so why not spend it on something

good for you?

173

1. Visualization… Pick a spot where you feel comfortable and safe. What does it

look like? Visualize it. What does it sound like? What does it feel like? What else do you

notice?

Here is an example

…

Sitting on the warm, sunny beach… I hear the waves softly rolling onto

the shore in rhythm… I hear the seagulls singing up above me… the warmth of the sun calms

and makes me feel safe and comfortable… I feel the sand through my toes, both hot and cool at

the same time... I feel the soft breeze that can give me goose bumps while on a hot beach.

You can escape into this visual anytime during the day. Have a stressful time at work?

Shut the door and close your eyes—it only takes a minute.

2. Breathing… This is very simple and quick:

When you feel your blood pressure rising

,

or you are becoming angry, stop what you are

doing, find a comfortable place to sit, or do it right where you stand… Take a deep breath in and

say to yourself… “I am bringing in relaxing, fresh air.” As you breathe out, imagine yourself

breathing out all the toxins (stress). Say it

to yourself out loud or just in your mind.

3. Stretching… Stretch your arms, legs, back, and neck. Let your head roll to the

right and hold, let it roll to the left and hold, let it fall forward and hold, breathing as you go.

4. Progressive relaxation…This is great, but it takes more time, and works great

with soft lighting and relaxing music. Breathe two times deeply, and release the toxins

out with the air. Tighten and relax muscles, tighten for the count of 1… 2… 3… release!

As you breathe in fresh air through your lungs and hold

,

it grabs the toxins, and as you

breathe out, it releases the toxins out of your body through your feet and fingertips.

Start with tightening:



Your feet……………. tighten and hold for 1…2…3



Then your calves…. tighten and hold for 1…2…3



Your thighs………... tighten and hold for 1…2…3



Your buttocks……... tighten and hold for 1…2…3



Your stomach….….. tighten and hold for 1…2…3



Your hands……….... tighten and hold for 1…2…3



Forearms............….. tighten and hold for 1…2…3



Upper arms………... tighten and hold for 1…2…3

174



Shoulders……..…… tighten and hold for 1…2…3



Neck...................….. tighten and hold for 1…2…3



Jaw.....................….. tighten and hold for 1…2…3



Tiny face muscles tighten and hold for 1…2…3

When you complete this process, just sit for a minute in quiet.

It should take you a couple of minutes to recover. Try to do one of the exercises

daily, and you will feel much calmer in your withdrawal and recovery process.

175

T

Life is meant to enjoy….go have fun!

Chapter 32

Leisure

Leisure can be described as “free time:” your time to do what you

want after you have taken care of other responsibilities in your life. It is

something that you enjoy, which relaxes you, and which gives you a social

outlet.

When we are “problem gambling,” all of our leisure time (and other time when we

should be taking care of responsibilities) is taken up with gambling or thoughts of gambling.

Once you stop gambling, in order to be successful in recovery, you must find other things to

fill your “leisure” time.

I would say that a solid 80% of my clients said the same thing in the beginning of

recovery and treatment: “If I don’t gamble, what else is there to do? How will I get out of the

house and have fun, or relax

after a stressful week at

work?” They could not think

of anything else to do! That is

why we had to have a special

class just on relaxation, and

healthy alternatives to gam-

his is about having fun. It is about getting

back to doing the things you used to like to

do before gambling took over your life. It is about

taking a chance and trying something new.

bling. This is where healthy leisure activities come into “play,” so to speak...

In this chapter, we will talk about the barriers to leisure and help you to explore what

you enjoy doing, and I will give you many, many ideas on using your leisure time.

After reading this chapter, and once you have quit gambling, I will ask you to try one

leisure activity a week in the beginning. After some time, and seeing how well it works, try

one activity a day.



Let’s see what your barriers are—check any that you feel apply to you,

and explain why:



Guilt ________________________________________________________



Time ________________________________________________________



Anger _______________________________________________________

176

__________________________

______________________

_____________________

_

__________________________________________________

_______________________________________________

_

__________________________________________

_

__



Shame _______________________________________________________



Transportation



Irrational thoughts



Money ________________________________________________________



Fear _________________________________________________________



No one to do things with



No place to go _________________________________________________



No equipment _________________________________________________



Withdrawing __________________________________________________



Isolating _____________________________________________________

This is about having fun. It is about getting back to doing the things you used to

like to do before gambling took over your life. It is about taking a chance and trying

something new.

What things did you like to do before gambling?

_________________________________________________________________

What outside interests do you have? What would you like to try?_____________

_________________________________________________________________

From the list above, what is stopping you from doing these things?

___________________ ___________________

What would help you to step out and do these things?

_________________________________________________________________

177

I find time to enjoy what I love doing most.



Here is a list of a few (dozen!) ideas for you; sometimes it is hard for us

who are fresh in recovery to think of things to do—

Go to a movie Take a bubble bath Try a new food

Return something you have borrowed Waste a little time Feed the ducks

Take a drive in the country Take a class Exercise

Learn how to cook a new dish Go to a baseball game READ

Take a walk Listen to music Laugh at yourself

Walk instead of ride Look at old photos Pop Popcorn

Go to a park Hike Bake bread

Meditate Hug Be thankful

Travel Swim Draw

Play an instrument Appreciate trees Volunteer

Do something you always wanted to do Pay a compliment Stop and listen

Start a new project Garden Paint a room

Call someone you have been thinking about DREAM

Pick up travel brochures Let the phone ring Listen to the rain

Turn off the TV and enjoy silence Learn a new word Clean your closet

Walk in the rain Arrange some flowers Write a poem

Clean out your wallet or purse Put old photographs in books Go parachuting

Watch children play Go on a bike ride Rearrange a room

Do something nice for someone Start a new project Sail

Learn to fly Go river rafting Go boating

Go to a meeting Join a cultural group Help the elderly

Take someone out for dinner Sing in a choir Go see a play

Go on a roller coaster ride Go to church Plant Flowers

Read the dictionary Go to the library Get a massage

Tell someone how you feel about them Ask for help

Do pottery

Drive a different way home Accept when you are wrong

Go to the humane society and pet an animal Bead a necklace

Give yourself a small present Ride a horse Go to a festival

Give someone else a massage Play with your children Help a stranger

Mentor someone new in recovery Go water- or snow-skiing Dance

Home improvements Ask someone what they would like to do and do it

Lay in the grass in the backyard and listen Look at the stars

List three goals Make candles Surprise

Go bowling Rollerblade Play basketball

Sew something Lay in a hammock Cook for friends

Do crafts

178

___________________________

I hope that this list starts you thinking about some healthy alternatives to

gambling. I am sure there are thousands more that I could put on the list.

Pick ten ideas from the list above that you would like to do in the near future:

1. ___________________________ 2. ___________________________

3. ___________________________ 4. ___________________________

5. ___________________________ 6. ___________________________

7. ___________________________ 8. ___________________________

9. ___________________________ 10.

Pick one from this list and do it this week.

1. List five activities that you can do in five minutes or less:

2. List five pleasurable activities that you can do in five minutes to 1 hour:

179

3. List five activities that you would enjoy from 1 hour to two hours:

4. List five enjoyable activities that would take from two hours to one day:

5. What are five vacation ideas that are within your budget?:

Choose one from each category and do them each week.

ENJOY!

180

_

I balance my life completely by nourishing my soul as well as my mind and body.

Chapter 33

Balance

At home At work With family

Spiritually Physically Socially At leisure

Emotionally

Career wise

After completing this book, you should feel like a new person in some ways. There is

still plenty of work… we never stop changing and evolving. Life never stops throwing stuff at

us. I hope you have learned some new tools to help you deal with what life hands us... Or at

least you have learned how to work on problem solving, stress reduction, or know what

works for you and what doesn’t work for you.

I want to say CONGRATULATIONS for what you have learned, and for the things you

have changed in your life so far.

Finding balance in our life means that we are pretty healthy, and that things are

working in all areas of our life.

Well, nobody is perfect!!

What parts of your life are in balance? _________________________________

________________________________________________________________

181

What parts of your life are still not in balance yet? _______________________

________________________________________________________________

List the steps to how you would get all areas of your life in balance:

________________________________________________________________

Describe a time when you were determined or worked very hard at something, and

were successful. How did you do that? What were the steps you took to get there?

________________________________________________________________

You may have some negative things come up from the past. Don’t let them

get you down, you are better than that—deal with them as they come, and

continue on your path to recovery. Nothing is worth going back and

experiencing all that pain all over again.

182

How Do You Feel About Your Gambling Today?

You will be asked this question throughout the recovery process and this book.

This will help you to stay in touch with your feelings. By checking in with yourself regularly,

the thoughts and feelings that lead to relapse will not hit you blindly.

Check the box that most closely states how you feel today.



Denial/Minimizing—“It’s not that bad, what’s the big deal?”



Bargaining—“I’ll only go two times a week,” or “I will pay you back.”



Hope—Genuine hopefulness: “I hope to win this time.” Or “I hope to quit this time.”



Sadness—Reality sets in: “I have made some bad choices.” “I have hurt others.”



Guilt/Shame—“How could I have let myself do this again? I even stole money.”



Anger—General or specific, at others, at yourself, or at the gambling itself.



Acceptance—“I need help, I can’t do this myself,” or “I can’t stop myself.”



Optimism—“I think I can quit, I am feeling more confident every day, I feel good.”



Contentment—“There are other things to do besides gambling, I can fight this.”

After doing this small checklist, think back, or look back at the last time you filled it out.

(Refer to page 115.)

What is different?

Why do you think it is different?

Do you notice any patterns in your answers?

183

Take a moment to write about your day:

184

Chapter 34

DEFINITIONS

Here are some definitions of words, language, or jargon used

in this book. Please refer to these pages when necessary.

Action: What happens to gamblers when they talk about or act on the urge to gamble. You

may go into “action” as you hear others talk about their gambling; it’s a “trigger,” but you

need not to act on that feeling, rather, talk about it with someone immediately.

Bad beat: A term used by gamblers to describe a run of bad luck.

Bailout: Money given to gamblers that allows them to pay debts without suffering adverse

consequences. Relying on others to bail you out of a difficult financial situation can also

include payday cash loans, title loans, bankruptcy, and cashing in life insurance.

Chasing: The attempt by a gambler to make up previous losses through additional

gambling, a common symptom of a pathological gambler. Chasing (to win back losses)

often involves making larger bets and/or taking greater risks. Although compulsive

gamblers chase losses, it’s the chase of the wins that is the hook.

Compulsion: An irresistible urge to do something against one’s better judgment.

Compulsive behaviors are often repetitive in nature, and the person recognizes that the

compulsion is irrational. Whether or not problem gambling is considered a compulsion is a

topic of debate within the mental health profession; the prevailing opinion is that it is not.

Compulsive: An action taken over and over again, even against your own will.

Compulsive/Disordered Gambling: Implies loss of control, and that the individual is

engaged in an activity that is no longer enjoyable. The term is limited to cases where the

gambling causes serious damage to a person’s social, vocational, or financial life. Informal

circles, such as GA often referred to as Compulsive Gambling, and in formal circles such as

treatment referred to as Gambling Disorder. It is considered an addiction disorder.

Comorbidity: The presence of multiple disorders in one individual. Pathological gambling

has high rates of comorbidity with disorders such as alcoholism, drug abuse, and

depression.

Depression: feeling down, loss of interest or pleasure, significant weight loss, insomnia

(inability to sleep), or sleep too much, loss of energy, feeling worthless, can’t think or

concentrate, and thoughts of death. Symptoms lasting more than two weeks.

185

Dopamine: A neurotransmitter, or chemical that transmits signals between nerve cells.

Dopamine appears to function as an inhibitor. There is some evidence linking dopamine

levels with pathological gambling. (See also serotonin)

Euphoric Recall: Remembering the good, high feeling (winning), not the negative feelings

after gambling, nor the losses.

Gambling: The act of risking money, property, or something of value, on an activity with an

uncertain outcome.

Gambling Disorder: The term used within the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental

Disorders, 5

th

Edition (DSM-5) that describes persistent and recurrent problematic gambling

behavior leading to clinically significant impairment or distress.

Gam-Anon: A fellowship for the families of pathological gamblers, with chapters throughout

North America.

Gamblers Anonymous (GA): An international network of groups for people attempting to

recover from pathological gambling. Gamblers Anonymous is a 12-step program modeled

after Alcoholics Anonymous. Local chapters provide fellowship in which people share their

experiences, support, and hope, in order to stop gambling.

GA’s definition of gambling: Any betting or wagering, for self or others, whether for

money or not, no matter how slight or insignificant, where the outcome is uncertain or

depends upon change or “skill,” constitutes gambling.

Impulse control disorder: A class of disorders characterized by the inability to resist

certain acts, usually with harmful consequences. Pathological Gambling was considered in

the DSM-IV as an impulse control disorder, as are kleptomania. Pathological Gambling was

changed to Gambling Disorder in the DSM-5 and is now classified as an Addiction Disorder.

Impulsiveness: The inability to stop yourself from acting.

Kiting: Writing bad checks against an account that has no funds to cover it. (An illegal act)

Lapse: Temporary slip into gambling, in which one picks oneself back up immediately, and

gets right back on the road to recovery.

Mania: A mood disorder characterized by pathological over-excitement.

Neurotransmitter: A chemical substance that naturally occurs in the brain, and is

responsible for communication among nerve cells.

Pink Clouding: In the beginning of recovery (the first few months), one may feel highly

exultant, as if quitting gambling had been easy. This is a period in which to be especially

careful, because relapse can happen quickly.

186

Problem gambling: Gambling activity that causes difficulty for the individual, but does not

meet the full criteria for Gambling Disorder. Sometimes referred to as “at-risk” gambling,

though it is not known at what rate problem gamblers become pathological gamblers.

Outside of the way this term was used in this book, “problem gambling” is also commonly

used as an umbrella term for any gambling that causes problems from mild to severe.

Professional gambler: One who gambles as a way to make part or all of his or her living.

Often confused with pathological gamblers, professional gamblers are characterized by

taking limited risks, discipline, and restraint, items all lacking in the pathological gambler.

Professional gamblers wager on games with skill elements, rather than games of chance,

and wait to bet until the odds are more in their favor. Professional gamblers can, however,

lose control and exhibit chasing behavior, at which time they become problem or

pathological gamblers.

Relapse: Return to harmful behaviors; it does not begin with the first bet. Relapse begins

with a series of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that reactivate old patterns of denial,

isolation, elevated stress, and impaired judgments. You can be in “relapse” without actually

gambling or using. It is a process that takes time. Relapse can be considered a planned

gamble.

Serotonin: A neurotransmitter within the central nervous system widely studied in affective

disorders and substance abuse. (See also dopamine.)

Slip: Same as a Lapse, not a full relapse.

Social gambler/gambling: Gamblers who exhibit few or none of the difficulties associated

with problem or disordered gambling. Social gamblers will gamble for entertainment,

typically will not risk more than they can afford, often gamble with friends, chase losses

briefly, gamble for limited periods of time, and are not preoccupied with gambling.

Tools: Any certain thought, action, reaction, or help, to keep from gambling or using, i.e.,

having “many tools in your tool box.”

Triggers: Thoughts, feelings, emotions, places, that cause a desire to return to gambling,

in hopes of escaping the (undesirable) reality of what you are feeling or experiencing.

Urges/Cravings: An overwhelming feeling that usually lasts a short period of time, of the

absolute need and desire to gamble or use.

187

NOTES

188

NOTES

189

References

AADAC, When Treatment Tools: A Resource for Counsellors for Treating Problem Gambling. 1996.

Adler, R., Towne N., 1975. Looking Out/Looking In: Interpersonal Communication. Holt, Rinehart &

Winston.

Berman, L., Siegel, M., 1998. Behind the 8-Ball: A Recovery Guide for the Families of Gamblers. I

Universe Publishing.

Bourne, Edward J. 1990. The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. New Harbinger Publishers Inc.

Casanova, Karen, 2000. Letting Go of Debt: Growing Richer One Day at a Time. Hazelton Foundation,

Center City, Minnesota.

Cascadia Behavioral Healthcare, Becoming a Winner: Defeating Problem Gambling, A Gambling

Self-Help Manual. 2004.

Progression of gamblers:

Custer, Robert. 1984. Profile of the Pathological Gambler. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry. 45: 35-38.

Types of gamblers

Custer, R., & Milt, H. 1985. When Luck Runs Out. New York: Facts on File Publications.

DSM IV:

American Psychiatric Association. 1994. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (4

th

ed.)

Washington D.C.

Cage:

Ewing, JA. 1984. Detecting alcoholism: the CAGE questionnaire. Journal of the American Medical

Association. 252(14): 1905-1907.

Denial

Gorski, T.T., Grinstead, S.F. 2000. Denial and Defense Mechanisms, Herald House/Independence Press.

SOGS:

Lesieur, Blume, Shelia. 1987. South Oaks Gambling Screen (SOGS): A new instrument for the

identification of pathological gamblers. American Journal of Psychiatry. 144(9): 1184-1188.

Stages of change:

Miller, W. and Rollnick, N. 1991. Motivational Interviewing: Preparing People to Change Addictive

Behaviors. New York: Guilford.

Thinking Errors:

Samenow, S., Yochelson, S. 1984. The Criminal Personality. New York: New York Times Books.

University of Calgary, 2004. David Hodgins: Staying on Track Workbook.

5% population:

Volberg, R. A.,1996. Prevalence Studies of Problem Gambling in the U.S. Journal of Gambling Studies.

12.

190

To find help with your gambling

call the gambling helpline:

U.S.: 1-800-522-4700

Canada: 1-800-391-1111

For further information about Gamblers Anonymous,

consult your local phone book,

internet @ www.gamblersanonymous.com,

or write: P.O. Box 17173, Los Angeles, Ca. 90017,

Phone: (213) 386-8789.

~I believe in myself to accomplish what I need

but am humble enough to ask for help.~

"We used this book for our advanced training for our experienced problem

gambling clinicians. The response from them was overwhelmingly positive.

After the training, we decided to pilot an IOP program, using the book as the

primary manual for treatment"

—Steve Burton, director of the problem gamblers help network of West Virginia

. . . . .

Do you or someone you know have a problem with gambling?

This workbook is designed for use in therapy with a counselor

or for a gambler’s own use and exploration.

A great tool for mental health professionals, psychologists, psychiatrists,

therapists, social workers, licensed professional counselors,

chemical dependency counselors, veterans, clergyman,

gamblers anonymous members, or any addictions counseling.

An ideal manual for individual and group counseling

and as a self-help guidebook.

• The workbook covers a wide range of theories and models

with easy to understand tools and worksheets.

• It will help you gain an understanding of problem gambling and addictions.

• Explore your involvement with gambling – do you have a problem

with gambling and how serious is it?

It will walk you through:

• What is problem gambling?

• Motivation for change.

• Life Issues.

ISBN 978-0-615-22522-7

Please explore: www.opgr.org

An Oregon resource website for problem gamblers and their families.