Office of the Boston University Ombuds
Francine Montemurro,
Boston University Ombuds
“I” Messages or “I” Statements
When you are in conflict, you may have difficulty clearly articulating your situation without
escalating the conflict. Using an “I” message (also known as an “assertiveness statement”) can
help you state your concerns, feelings, and needs in a manner that is easier for the listener to hear
and understand
An “I-statement” focuses on your own feelings and experiences. It does not focus on your
perspective of what the other person has done or failed to do. It is the difference, for example,
between saying, "I feel that I am not being permitted to participate in office projects to the extent
that others are” and "You always let Marge work on office projects, but you never ask me if I’m
interested.”
If you can express your experience in a way that does not attack, criticize, or blame others, you
are less likely to provoke defensiveness and hostility which tends to escalate conflicts, or have
the other person shut-down or tune you out which tends to stifle communication.
Ultimately, I-messages help create more opportunities for the resolution of conflict by creating
more opportunities for constructive dialogue about the true sources of conflict.
What an “I” Message does
An “I” message can help reduce blaming, accusations, and defensiveness.
An “I” message can help you communicate your concerns, feelings, and needs without
blaming others or sounding threatening. It helps you get your point across without
causing the listener to shut down.
An “I” message says “this is how it looks from my side of things.”
What an “I” Message doesn’t do
An “I” message is not about being polite. It’s about being clear.
An “I” messages is not concerned with how the other person might respond.
An “I” message is not intended to force another person to “fix the problem.”
It is clear statement that says “this is how it looks from my perspective.”
Even though “I” messages let you explain and how you would like things to be, it is free
of expectations. If you expect the other person to respond as you want them to
immediately, you probably have unrealistic expectations.
An “I” Message is intended only to open up healthy conversation. Using it alone will not
resolve the conflict. If you expect an “I” Message to fix the conflict, you probably have
unrealistic expectations.