4 | Bank Street College of Education
Ella’s therapist asked her to prepare an art project in which Ella took a paper bag and, on the outside,
drew herself as she thought she appeared to others. On the inside of the bag, she placed items that
represented who she really was. The therapist walked the kids through the bag exercise and asked
whether everyone should be able to have their inside match their outside. It was a powerful moment,
as all the kids agreed that this was a basic right. While not everyone accepted our invitation to this
meeting, none of those who did were negative. Many parents thanked us for sharing and entrusting
them with this information.
So Ella spent seventh and eighth grade at Boston Latin School presenting in her identied gender.
Despite nearly three dozen students knowing about the transition, she chose to be stealth at the school
and, while I did not agree with that choice, her dad and I fully supported her. As one might imagine,
rumors began to spread before long, and although our daughter told us at the time that things were
ne, bit by bit we learned that her experience was more difcult than we knew. There was a whisper
campaign (which we assumed), but there were also threats, including a time when a boy she didn’t
know tweeted that he would “nd her, knock her out, and pull down her pants” to prove she was a
boy. Because the boy didn’t go to her school, there was nothing her school could do to protect her or
to punish him.
As Ella approached high school, she decided to “come out” and also to transfer to a new school, one
that focused on the arts and that was known for an accepting climate. Two and a half years later, she
is now a junior at Boston Arts Academy (BAA) and spending a semester studying in California. Her
experience at BAA has been amazing, full of support and encouragement—not just for her—but for
all the students in the school. When I pause to think about why this community works, it seems that it’s
made up of all the kids who may not have “t in” elsewhere. There are no jocks, no “cool” kids, no one
who is there against their will. It’s high school, with all the typical ups and downs, but all the students
choose to be there (it’s a free, public school, but there is an audition process). Equally important, all
the teachers choose to be there as well. Ella is thriving. She’s accepted. She’s happy, productive, and
expanding her own horizons every day.
We’ve traveled many miles on our journey thus far. And what have we learned? The experience—and
the gift of hindsight—has left me with lots of knowledge and a level of courage I wish I could step
back in time to apply. If I could:
1. I would, from early on, let my child express herself more freely in and outside of our
home. I’d have let her wear the sparkly shoes to school, the princess dress to Disney, the