BRAINFUSE WRITING LAB

Brainfuse Writing Lab

Welcome to the 24/7 writing lab!

Our overview comments, specific recommendations, and a recommended revisions checklist are

included in our tutor response form below. Additional comments are also found in the body of

your paper in bold or in parentheses below our tutor response form. Feel free to re-submit your

paper for further review after using our comments and suggestions to make the recommended

changes.

If you have additional questions, you can direct them to info@brainfuse.com.

Thank you for choosing the Brainfuse Writing Lab and best wishes with your revisions!

Persuasive Essay Review

Part 1 – Overview

Hello Troy, my name is Ellen R, and I was interested in reading this persuasive essay because it is the topic

of a conversation that people are having across the United States. You have taken a definite position on this

issue but can still strengthen your argument. I have listed the main areas that you should focus on below

and go into more detail on suggested revisions in the sections that follow this one.

 Thesis: You list several reasons why guns benefit citizens in your introduction: “protection,

hunting, recreation, and sport.” However, your thesis states that the right of citizens to “bear arms

in their residence” (emphasis added) should not be taken away. Those activities happen outside of

one’s residence. To revise that thesis, check the second amendment and look at the main idea of

each body paragraph. Based on what you have written so far, come up with a clear and concise

statement that states why this right should not be taken away from U.S. citizens.

 Supporting Details: While the supporting details in the first body paragraph are strong, you need

to do more research to strengthen your arguments in the other body paragraphs. Make sure each

statement you make is supported by reliable sources.

 Sources: Ask your teacher about the required number of sources. Unless you are writing a review

of one text, students usually need to cite at least three different sources.

 Tone: Make sure that the language you use is formal: Exclude superlatives, like “the greatest

country ever,” and conversational phrases like “last but not least.” They make an argument sound

more personal as opposed to sounding objective.

 Title: Add a title that captures the main idea.

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Part 2 – Introduction/Conclusion

The introduction now includes a variety of disconnected statements and facts about gun control. To revise

the paragraph, introduce the aspect of gun control that you will discuss and state your position on it. You

may also review the major points that you will make to support that position.

Because you are tweaking the thesis statement, you will also need to revise the conclusion. It should restate

your thesis, review the major points that you made, and close with a “call to action” or a thoughtful

comment about the topic.

Part 3 – Content Development

Persuasive essays often include counter-arguments just after the introduction or before the conclusion. This

paragraph gives you an opportunity to summarize arguments that an opponent might make against your

position, and then refute them in the body paragraphs that follow it. As an alternative, you may choose to

incorporate a brief summary of the counter-argument in your introduction.

You should also evaluate the logic of the points that you make in the final paragraph. What is the main

idea, and do you add specific details that support it? The argument about the need for stricter regulations

seems to contradict the statement that “[h]aving a firearm in a residence should be essential and a

necessity.”

Part 4 – Organization

Each paragraph needs a clear topic sentence, and the details within it need to support that topic sentence.

For example, you start the second paragraph with the history of guns, a topic that does not relate to your

thesis statement, or the details about the environmental benefits of hunting, which you explore in the same

paragraph. Sentences in the paragraph about family activities and shooting as a sport also seem to be mixed

up:

 Which specific details belong in the paragraph about family activities?

 Which specific details belong in the paragraph about the Olympic sport?

 Which details are not specific, supported by fact, or relevant?

These questions will help you strengthen each paragraph.

Adding transitional words and phrases will also help readers follow your ideas. Transitions are needed

between paragraphs and sentences. Here is one writing exercise that helps students focus on using

transitions:

How can you connect these two sentences from your paper?

 Firearms are the most effective tools used today for self–defense, but they are only useful if they

are available.

 Firearms need to be in residences that are certified to have a firearm.

Think about how they are related and look for transitional words or phrases that show this relationship.

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Part 5 – Style

Avoid using vague words like “good” or “great,” especially if you cannot explain why the subject is

positive. Take some time to choose more accurate ways to describe subjects. I’m going to revise one

example and then ask you to revise on your own:

Sample Sentence: Good people always think of others first.

Revised Sentence: Altruistic people think about ways to help others before they think about ways to help

themselves.

Now, how can you revise this sentence?

Sample Sentence: Everyone in the greatest country ever is not all good.

Revised Sentence: When you revise a sentence, you can also break the idea into more than one sentence—

there is no limit.

Part 6 – Grammar/Punctuation

 Comma Usage: Use commas before a conjunction when you join independent clauses together.

 Other Punctuation Usage: Your use of the semicolon shows an interest in taking risks with

punctuation, but they are not needed in these cases. To practice using semicolons, you can log on

to Live Help and work with a Brainfuse tutor.

Part 7 – Suggested Resources

MLA Formatting

http://www.mla.org/

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/747/01/

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Part 8 – Recommended Revisions Checklist

To make the suggested revisions above, you can follow this checklist. If you would like to review my notes

on any step, you can also check the section of the form that is cited at the end of each entry. I also

encourage you to log on to Live Help to work on any one of these skills with a Brainfuse writing tutor.

Additional Comments in Blue

I have also added specific comments to your paper. You will find them typed in blue below. In many cases,

the word, phrase, or mark that they refer to is also in blue. I also used highlights as cues – those marks

show you that this error has already been noted in your paper. You will then be able to find that note and

use it to revise or edit the highlighted text.

Gun Control (Add a title that captures the main idea and see notes above on

formatting titles according to APA standards)

(indent first line by 0.5 inches) After the assassination of John F. Kennedy and Dr.

Martin Luther King (check full name), gun control became a considerable controversy.

There are citizens today who want either less or more gun control legislation. Certain

people today choose to use guns inappropriately and wrong (check part of speech), but

they are also used for protection, hunting, recreation, and sport. The second amendment

protects a fundamental (insert comma) individual right for all Americans. Citizens of

 Revise the thesis. (Part 1)

 Make sure each body paragraph supports your thesis. (Part

 Each body paragraph also needs a topic sentence,

supporting details, and a closing sentence. Make sure to

take the time to explain how each detail supports your point

as well. (Part 4)

 Add a counterargument after the introduction or before the

conclusion. (Part 3)

 Revise your conclusion. (Part 2)

 Add paragraph and sentence transitions. (Part 4)

 Replace vague language with accurate words. (Part 5)

 Check comma use, semicolon use, and write numbers

greater than ten as digits. (Part 6)

Brainfuse Writing Lab

America have the right to bear arms in their residence (make this noun plural since you

are referring to citizens as a group), and this right should not be taken from them.

(check the amendment in the Bill of Rights and cite the document as part of your

support)

(indent first line by 0.5 inches, and add a topic sentence that relates to the

supporting details below) Guns were invented in the seventeenth century; they were a

great way to protect your family and your country. In recent years one to two million (use

numerals for numbers over ten) handguns were manufactured each year with 1 million

rifles and fewer than one million shotguns (Krouse par 23) (use APA Style for in-text

citations). Wildlife biologists have found that well (-) managed (add hyphens to

compound adjectives that precede nouns) and regulated hunting programs are

beneficial to wildlife and the environment. Wildlife biologists make recommendations to

State Game and Fish officials who set hunting seasons and bag limits to help the

environment. (explain how they help the environment) Approximately seventy seven

percent of the funds used to operate state Fish and Game (add serial comma) and other

wildlife agencies are from the sales of hunting licenses, tags, ammunition, excise taxes

levied on sales of firearms, and the sale of federal duck stamps. In 2003 fish and wildlife

service reported that there were over 14.7 million persons who had paid licenses (Krouse

par 22). More than three billion dollars have been raised from these sources and used to

protect both game and non-game animals. Firearm ownership is clearly beneficial to the

environment (add comma) and a favorable environment is beneficial to everyone. (to

make these clauses parallel, you may also add “clearly” before “beneficial”)

(indent first line by 0.5 inches) Firearm recreation is a great (word choice) family

activity to do. Under parental supervision (add comma after introductory phrases)

children can be taught to shoot a gun safely and correctly. Shooting can often be

combined with other enjoyable outdoor activities, such as hiking, camping, and

sightseeing. Sharing a hobby like shooting can bring a family closer together; (delete

semicolon and add comma) teach children responsibility, and creating (make sure the

verb “to create” is in the same tense as the others in the series) trust between parents

and children. The Olympics held shooting competitions and greatly supported firearms as

a recreational sport.

(indent first line by 0.5 inches) Shooting clay targets is a sport and Olympic event.

People use their personal firearms every day to have fun. There are many competitions

held all over the United States every month. Families get together and bond with each

other in shooting. Taking away their right to bear arms would ruin the outdoor activity.

(indent first line by 0.5 inches) Guns have been used to protect oneself and the

citizen’s home for decades. (You used the plural form of guns to discuss their history,

so make sure that they refer to people—not one individual) The bearer of the gun has

the responsibility to protect himself, his family, and, last but not the least (delete or

revise phrase); (replace semicolon with comma) he has the responsibility to protect the

guns he owns. The guns should never go (word choice) out of the owner’s hand (insert

Brainfuse Writing Lab

comma) meaning no stranger should have his hands on the gun. The owner of the gun

should keep his gun safe and should have it locked in (missing word) safe.

(indent first line by 0.5 inches) People are all different in shape, size, color, and gender.

Everyone in the greatest country ever is not all good (revise phrase). Some people need

better protection and security than others. NCUS (spell out the complete name of an

unfamiliar agency when you first use it) data from 1987 to 1992 indicate that in each of

those years (insert comma) roughly 62,000 victims of violent crime used guns to defend

themselves (Krouse par 18). Everyone deserves to be safe (insert comma) but not

everyone has the physical ability to defend themselves (revise phrase and make sure all

pronouns used with “everyone” are singular). (create new paragraph and indent

first line by 0.5 inches) Firearms are the most effective tools used today for self–defense,

but they are only useful if they are available. Firearms need to be in residences that are

certified to have a firearm. To purchase a firearm you (essays need to stay in third

person) have to have a background check and be older than twenty one. Having a

background check is great (insert comma before conjunction) but, (delete comma) the

regulations should be more strict and harder to buy a firearm (revise phrase and add a

transitional phrase that connects the former sentence to this one). Having a firearm in

a residence should be essential and a necessity.

Works citied (Change to “References” if following APA format)

If following APA format, refer to the APA Style Guide and edit this citation:

Krouse J. William “Gun legislation in the 109th Congress”. Congressional Research

Service

CRS Reports March 2005